


Climb Inside

by gerank



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Barebacking, Birthing, Breastfeeding, Choking, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M, Mpreg, Slight Violence, Surrogacy, Writer! Lukas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-11-08 18:28:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 58,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11087436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gerank/pseuds/gerank
Summary: After almost getting arrested, Philip decides maybe the streets isn't the best place for him.Or the one where Philip reads an ad in the newspaper, BABYSITTER/SURROGATE WANTED.





	1. The ad

Philip stares down at his phone absentmindedly as a cop rolls by, slow and watching. It isn’t hard to tell what Philip’s doing. He’s all thin, bruised legs. Lips glossy from a swipe of Vaseline and a telltale look to his clothing. A homemade cropped white tank top, and his favorite shorts. The one that shows just enough to get men to pull their cars over, and slip some money into his hand.

Philip sighs, heart dropping hopelessly as the cop pulls his vehicle over to the side, stopping right on the curb.

He swallows slowly as the cop exits his car, heart thudding nervously with every step the officer makes. Fuck, being underage will only get you so far. It might lighten his sentence. Maybe he’ll start crying, just to gain sympathy.

Hell, the burning in his eyes means he might not have to force it.

He inhales, trying to accept his fate. To the approaching cop he’ll just be some nameless seventeen year old prostitute in a cell by the end of the night.

“Hey kid, the shop owner of Bella’s wants you to get lost.” He starts, scratching his head like he wants to say more.

Philip nods, smiling with relief “oh, um, sorry, I was just waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up” he lies, attempting to save his ass.

The cop narrows his eyes, shit. Just as Philip’s about to start walking off the cop grabs his arm, “yes?” Philip asks, eyes widening in fear. He’d been spot out. _Caught_.

The cop releases his arm, “sorry,” he begins, “It really isn’t none of my business- well, it- kind of is but-“ he scratches the back of his neck nervously. “Maybe try looking in the paper for some jobs? You’re young, too young to be doing something like.. this.”

Oh, Philip’s too childish appearing to be selling his body. Philip can read through the sugar coating all too well. He doesn’t need some cop poking his nose in his business and telling him what to do.

 “I know you probably are just doing this to keep a roof over your head, or so you have food at night. But I promise you, there are other ways.” The cop says, voice low so others passing can’t hear.

Philip, being the stubborn person he is, smiles fakely “thanks for your concern, sir. But I’m not a prostitute, or a hooker y’know.”

The look in the cop’s eyes is knowing, but he doesn’t press further. “Alright, have a good day” he says, going back to his car. Philip strides away in a hurry, he runs once the cop turns the block.

Time for a new corner.

-

Later that night, when Philip’s working. New block means new clients. Unfamiliar guys that Philip’s never met, it gives him a rush of anxiety. They all expect him to go all the way, which he declines to every offer. Philip doesn’t like new. He likes usual occurrences. He likes knowing how a client acts, what they like, and to be sure that he isn’t going to get ripped off.

Newbies are never guarantees. Philip learns that by the last guy he deals with. He’s sort of skittish, mid-forties, wiping his mouth and averting his eyes every time Philip looks at him.  Philip hopes for the usual. Guy gets his dick sucked, Philip gets his cash.

Just as Philip’s about to unzip him he unsurely asks, “This is free right? I’m a first time customer.”

Philip rolls his eyes. What a fucking idiot. Sitting back on his heels and getting off his bruised knees. “I don’t work for free” he scoffs, pulling on his leather jacket. Waste of time.

“My friend said that’s the hookers guarantee?” The dude adds, like it’ll help the situation.

Philip only needed that extra fifty and he’d be good for the night. Thank fuck for a cheap-o asking for a freebie, now Philip’s got extra waiting time to get the rest of his money.

“Fuck off” Philip mutters, swinging the door closed behind him.

-

He cuts down the alleyways to get home, keeping his head up to hide the repulsion he feels. Fuck those filthy guys and their too short dollars. Not any of them are worthy. He doesn’t want to remember the guy with the thin smile, who always calls him cutesy names and strokes his hair when he’s doing a good job. He doesn’t want to remember the guy with the black truck, who forces himself down Philip’s throat till he gags. Philip doesn’t want to remember any of it, so he tries not to.

Instead he focuses on the wet stone of the alley, the random busted glass, beer bottle stained. Bottle caps and cigarette butts. Philip’s favorite is the random, squashed cherry.

His eyes land on two stacks of newspapers, folded still in a rubber band, near the dumpster.

It reminds him of the cop’s words vividly. _You’re young, too young to be doing something like this._

Philip doesn’t disagree with that. He bites his sore, swollen lips. Reaching down and unwrapping one of the papers, he flips the pages hurriedly, looking fast for the job’s column.

 When he finds the page after ripping through some of the top ones, he scans it with his eyes. There are a lot of no’s and maybes, but the one that gets his attention isn’t the lawnscaper ad, but the bold lettering of that says ‘ **BABYSITTER/SURROGATE WANTED**.

It’s not like Philip’s going to take it anyways. Who ever said he wanted to be a surrogate anyways? It’s almost laughable that he is even bothering to read it.

**‘Looking for somebody eighteen or older to babysit my three year old, and preferably the same person also willing to be the surrogate. All medical bills will be covered. Starting price is six hundred weekly. Babysitter/Surrogate is expected to move in for the durance of the pregnancy. Afterwards it’ll be optional if you want to stay nights, Rules will be set in person. Contact at WaldenbeckLkas@hotmail.com or reach me at my cell 406-499-9841.’**

Philip furrows his eyebrows. He can’t be reading that right. Six hundred dollars, _a week._ He’d be able to keep the electric on for his mom, never let her go hungry. Hell, he could even pay for her rehab. The thought makes him so happy.

He could help his mom stay away from the needle, and hopefully fatten her up. When he’s at home he can’t help but notice that she always saves food for him even at times when he can audibly hear her stomach growling. Those moments make him feel like the saddest boy in the whole world.

Philip saves the number.

-

Anne’s up when Philip gets home. Not yelling at her boyfriend on her cellphone, not shooting up, not passed out high. But instead, familiarly making spaghetti, she whistles a tune playing lowly off her phone.

Nancy Sinatra, her favorite singer. He loves her voice too. Sometimes late at night, he’ll listen on low, to her smooth voice, it soothes him to sleep.

He hears the crinkle of newspaper in his hands, fingers twitching with nervous excitement.

“Philip” she smiles, glancing over her shoulder. Her hips swaying gently to the soft rhythm of the song.

He touches her arm, smiling all big. “Hey mom, I was reading the paper-“

She raises her brow amusedly, interjecting “we don’t get the paper.”

Philip chuckles, “I know that- I found an alley paper, but anyways, I think I might get this job.. it’s just-“

Anne smiles, but it’s curious, “well what is it?”

“I- I’d have to move out” he admits, choosing not to add the fact that he also would have to carry a baby for the client.

Her smile dims, so he adds “but it’s good money, mom.”

“What would you be doing?” She asks, sucking on her lip like he does when he’s thinking.

“Babysitting, for six hundred dollars a week” he smiles, he’s secretly giddy about it. He loves kids, and babysitting sounds more than fun for that price.

She nods, and clicks off the heat on the noodles. “It sounds really, really nice, Philip” Anne says while draining the noodles.

He smiles, he thinks so too.


	2. Job interview

He calls the number once, but it’s busy. He rings it again a couple minutes later. Thankfully he gets a response this time.

“Hello?” a male voice asks breathily, like he’d been doing something.

Philip swallows, “uh, hi I’m Philip Shea. I’m calling because of your ad in the paper.”

The guy hums, voice professional “I thought so. Are you eighteen or older?”

Philip thinks of lying, but it’s useless. “I’ll be eighteen this month.” Nineteen days to be exact. Philip crosses his fingers that the client doesn’t mind how young he is and will give him a chance.

The guy doesn’t answer right away, but Philip can hear him scribbling something down. “Your birthday?” he asks, and Philip’s quick to respond “May 26th.”

More scribbling is heard, and then the guy begins talking again “can you make it in today for an interview at three?”

Philip glances at the time on his phone. It’s still before noon, so probably as long as the guy doesn’t live too far.

“You live in the city right?” Philip asks him to make sure. He wouldn’t do it if he had to leave NYC. The thought of being away too far from his mom is gut wrenching. It might be stupid, but Philip feels like he needs to watch over her, take care of her. Maybe that’s just written in the guidelines when you’re only parent is an addict.

“Yep,” the guy says in agreement, “Park Slope.” Philip smiles. It’s the upper part of Brooklyn. Where all the fancy coffee shops and art supply stores are. Lots of hipsters with too much money in their pockets roam and fill up the streets there. Thank god the client doesn’t sound like one. His voice isn’t nasally nor pretentious. Instead it’s smooth and somehow raspy all at the same time.

“Sounds good” Philip replies, waiting for the address so he can type it into his phone.

“You got pen and paper?” The guy asks, and Philip rolls his eyes amusedly.

“I got my phone,” Philip says, hiding the smile in his voice.

“Right,” the client chuckles, “I’m a writer. So I use my typewriter a lot and forget everyone’s more updated than I” he explains.

Philip laughs, not bothering to hide it this time. “Wow, that’s impressive.”

“What? Being a writer or my lack of interest in cellular devices?” he jokes, and Philip is weirdly smitten at the way the client smoothly talks.

“Both,” Philip grins, and adds “but mostly the fact that you’re phoneless.”

He hears a small chuckle on the other end of the line, “well Philip that’s where you’re wrong. I’m using my IPhone as we speak. I just don’t use it often, well besides phone calls.”

Philip hums with an eyebrow raised amusedly.

The client clears his throat, returning back to his professional tone “the address is 458th 6th street. I’ll see you at three?” The question makes Philip remember he still didn’t get his name.

“Yes you will,” Philip agrees, adding “thank you!” because he is so relieved that the dude is willing to give him an opportunity. Then again, it’s not like the client can see him through the phone. The bruises that litter his knobby knees and the holes in his daily clothing make him feel a little undeserving, but mostly embarrassed. No rich couple wants a scrawny seventeen year old ex-prostitute watching after their kid, or being a surrogate for them either.

The rush of nervousness reminds him to dig out his closet to find something suitable without stains to wear to the interview. Philip looks over to the mess that’s in his closet and sighs.

-

After showering, and using just a spritz of his mother’s perfume (because he doesn’t own cologne) he is on his way. With great success, he’d also found a couple of decent clothing he had. It had been buried underneath a pile of socks and t-shirts.

The streets change as Philip bikes. Starting out where Philip lives, he sees a homeless man sleeping down the alley, and a hoard of cigarette smokers who look like they’re addicted to something worse than tobacco. Philip doesn’t even bat an eye, this is home. It always was. He’s so used to it all. Even as a child, he can vividly remember getting tested for carelessly stepping on a used needle when he was five. And that time he was offered coke at ten by the dealer who used to reside next to them.

Weirdly enough, Philip feels less safe the richer the area around him gets, like all eyes are on him. Even when they clearly aren’t. He’s dressed cleanly. His bruises hidden beneath his deep blue jeans, and his shirt’s stainless, stark white and pretty. It reminds him of his mother’s blouse that she wears when she feels fancy. He likes it a lot.

The closer he gets to the clients house the scenery gets prettier and the strangers that he passes no longer have cheap clothing on. But instead have name brand jackets and shoes. Women strolling their babies around in Louboutin’s. Men casually striding down the streets in tuxes with their hands full of shopping bags.

 Philip peddles faster. Turning the corner down 6th street, he’d made it there within thirty minutes, but it still was a decently long ride. The long row of houses are all nice, every single one. A lot of them are bricked nicely, some even with expensive grey stone.

He stops before it, eyeing up the tall house as he leans his bike against the client’s black iron fence. He opens the gate, and rechecks the golden number on the house. _458_ , bingo. The stairs are lined with pots filled with flowers, lots of Tulips and Red Daisy’s. A single pot beside door filled with gorgeous blue French Hydrangea’s. Philip’s dirty scuffed up converses look weird beside them.

He knocks twice on the door, and traces his finger absentmindedly across the smoothness of the wood. Looks like oak or cherry, he thinks.

The door unexpectedly opens, and Philip drops his hand stupidly.

“Hello?” The man says, his eyes flicking up and down Philip with a face of confusion.

Philip flushes, “uh, I’m Philip. I called you just a couple hours ago.. I’m here about the- um, babysitting ad?” great job Philip.

“Oh!” The guy gasps, “sorry, It’s just- I thought you were coming at three?”

Philip furrows his brows in confusion, and pulls out his phone. Shit, it’s only 2:37. “Sorry, I thought it would have taken me a little longer to get here.”

The guy takes Philip’s hand into his. Shaking it with a small smile “it’s fine, I promise. You just caught me off guard,” he laughs.

“Anyways, do you want to come in?”

Philip then realizes he has been standing there dumbly when the guy already stepped aside for him to walk in. Feeling his cheeks darken even more, he nods “yeah, sure” and follows behind the man.

Inside is nice, bigger than it appears on the outside. The living room walls are a deep maroon, and everything’s nearly spotless, save for a couple of toys on the floor.

The man sits down on the couch, it’s long and leather. Philip looks around, not hearing or seeing anyone else. He seats himself down beside him, “sorry, I didn’t get your name?” Philip admits.

“I’m forgetting everything today,” the guy groans, “sorry about that, it’s Lukas Waldenbeck.”

 _Lukas_. It fits. And oddly enough with a name to place on his face he becomes even more attractive. Lukas definitely fits that sharp jawline, and Kurt Cobain style hair. Philip stops himself before his eyes get hearts in them. This guy is definitely married.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Waldenbeck” Philip smiles politely.

“You can call me Lukas” Lukas says, reaching over to grab some papers off his wooden end table.

Philip nods, lips pursed till Lukas starts speaking.

“So Philip, do you have any experience with kids?”

Philip nearly laughs, of course he does. He’d spent countless days of his teenage years watching his cousins. And when he was only twelve he raised Anne’s old boyfriend Todd’s kid for a year. She was a little baby named Charlotte, Philip loved her so much. He had even considered her his sister at the time.

“I have been babysitting since I was twelve, I can do it all. Change diapers, bathe them, and make meals” Philip smiles. He’s shyly proud of it. His heart pangs slightly, he does miss Charlotte.

“That’s really good, I just have to go over a few things,” Lukas says, folding his hands in his lap. “The payment for being the surrogate is separate from your weekly payments. It’d be fifteen thousand dollars.”

“What?” Philip stutters, ears turning pink. Fifteen thousand fucking dollars, holy shit. At first he wasn’t so sure about it. He might be tall and long legged, but he’s skinny. He also witnessed a birth at first hand, his aunt, and it was somewhat scary.

But on a positive note, it was also beautiful. The moment life begins. The fact that he could buy his mom a nicer apartment solidifies the deal. If he gets the job he’s going to buy her some pretty floral dresses. And get her a china set that she always wanted.

“Yeah,” Lukas nods, and his eyes are warm and blue. A beautiful mixture. The pen tucked in his ear is oddly charming. _Focus_ , it’s incredibly stupid to crush on someone you could work for. Thankfully Philip’s smarter than that.

“There are a few things I want to discuss. Since I’m a single parent, I’d expect the surrogate to use their egg for the baby.” He sweeps back some of his long, pale hay colored hair out of his face. “We’d do it at a fertility center.”

Philip gulps, that’s harder. Makes him feel anxious, he doesn’t know if he’d be willing to give his own flesh and blood up for surrogacy, he can’t.

Money makes him able to, his brain supplies. He thinks about Anne, and how happy she’d be, clean and sober, healthy and glowing. Living in a nicer area, them together, safe.

“Okay” Philip nods, it shouldn’t be too hard. He just has to remember not to grow attached, that it’s just a job.

“Great,” Lukas grins, pulling the pen from out behind his ear and clicking it. Lukas scribbles down on the sheet in front of him, “So would you be cool with breastfeeding?”

“Sure,” Philip shrugs, even though he’d have no clue what he is doing.

Lukas hums under his breathe, writing more down. “Do you smoke or drink?”

Philips shakes his head, “nope, cigarettes are nasty.”

Lukas laughs amusedly at that, and the sound is hopelessly gorgeous. Even though Philip had thought he’d be older from the ad, Lukas looks decently young. No older than twenty five.

“It’s a bad habit” Lukas agrees, he continues, staring deeply into Philip’s eyes “but they help me write. And they’re pretty calming, too.”

Philip bites his lip, “my mom smokes, and back when we had a car, she’d smoke with the windows rolled down and the cigarette ash would hit me in the face.” A tiny smile tugs at his lips while saying it, it’s bittersweet. It had been a fond day. Philip, Todd and his mom had been going to the beach, Coney Island in a little red jeep.

Lukas has an unsure look on his face, like he can’t tell if that’s positive information or not. “Sorry” he tries, but Philip shakes his head.

“It was a good memory, we’d went to Coney Island” he explains, and Lukas nods. Philip crosses his legs, looking at the novels that fill Lukas’s huge bookshelf.

Lukas refocuses back on the sheet.

“Have you been tested before?” Lukas says.

“Yeah, just last month actually. I can get you the results.”

“Alright” Lukas nods, and clasps his hands together. “Well everything’s good,” he stands up, walking Philip to the door. “I’ll give you a call, you’ve been the best interview I’ve gotten” he beams, that charming smile back on his cheeks.

Philip ignores the butterflies in his gut, and smiles back. “Thank you.”

Lukas touches his arm, sending goosebumps to rise. “Have a good day, Philip.”

When the door closes behind him, he pulls out his phone to text his mom.

_I think I might’ve gotten the job._


	3. On the dotted line

Anne takes the heated container of leftover Chinese food out of the microwave, and spreads the Lo Mein out onto two separate plates. Philip takes his legs off the table when Anne comes over to place them down.

“Looks good, thanks mom” Philip comments, picking up his fork.

His mom smiles, lighting up her brown eyes.

Digging his fork in, and twisting the noodles through the ridges, he takes a bite. It’s instantly good, not as good as when they first got it, but still up to par.

“Good?” Anne asks, biting into some of her chicken.

“Mmm” He hums, nodding.

Philip takes a sip of his drink, cold lemon tea. He adverts his eyes from Anne’s. He has been having a lot of conflicting thoughts. Mostly about telling his mom about him possibly being a surrogate, and what he’s going to do with the money if he gets the job. He isn’t sure if he wants to tell her now, or wait for it to be a surprise.

Speak of the devil, his phone begins ringing, and Lukas Waldenbeck’s name pops up on his screen. His heart jumps excitedly. He grabs it immediately.

“It’s the client” Philip hisses under his breathe to Anne with clear excitement. He swipes the answer button quickly “hello?”

“Hey Philip, I was just calling to let you know that you’re being chosen for the job. As long as you stop by on Monday and sign the paperwork then everything’s good.” Lukas tells him, and Philip’s breathing quickens. He got it. Holy shit.

He finally gets his voice to speak seconds later, completely awed. “Wow, I am… really speechless” Philip admits. “- but thank you so much for giving me a chance. I really can’t wait to start working for you.” Anne keeps silent, but raises her brow with an intrigued expression.

Philip doesn’t know if he’s just imagining things, but he can hear a smile in Lukas’s voice as he finishes the conversation with “you’re welcome Philip. I’ll see you Monday, take care.”

Philip smiles down at the glowing screen, “you too,” and then the line goes dead. He flicks his eyes to his mother’s face. Who has an unreadable expression etched upon it.

“I got it!” Philip beams, throwing his arms around her bony shoulders. He feels her smile against his neck, and his heart overflows, letting the words he’s been wanting to say easily spill out. “I’m going to get fifteen thousand too. I’m gonna get us a new place with it.”

She stiffens against him, and pulls back, eyes wide. “How is that possible?” she asks him with a shocked tone. Her brows furrowed deep.

Oh fuck. He scratches his neck nervously, his mouth closing shut like its been zipped. “Um-“ he sputters dumbly. Fuck.

“Philip? What kind of babysitting job are you going to get fifteen thousand dollars from?” Anne presses, her voice getting more alarmed.

“Mom- uh.. it’s a little hard to explain.”

“Philip” she says sternly. He can’t lie to her.

“I’m doing more than just babysitting…”

Her eyebrows shoot up her forehead. He interjects quickly “no! no, nothing like that. I uh, I’m gonna be a surrogate for the client” he finally admits, eyes settling on his cold food instead of her invasive eyes.

She grabs his arm, “you what? Philip, you’re only eighteen! You're way too young to be having a baby, even if it's for someone else” she rambles, her face is incredibly worried, lines deepening with proof. He hates the way she’s looking at him like he’s being absolutely nuts.

“I’m doing this for us mom” he bluntly states, continuing on “besides, if you had the chance to get fifteen thousand just to have a baby for someone, wouldn’t you take it?” His eyes are watering now. The only thing he wants to do is help his mom out of their situation, so she’ll never have to struggle again.

She falls silent at that, her lips pinching. After a long moment of nothing, she releases a breathe, simply saying “okay.”

“Okay?” he repeats, not getting the simplicity of her response.

She gently touches his wrist. Her warm eyes look soft as honey, she quietly tells him “you’re right, I would, I’m sorry for not trusting your decision.”

Philip’s slightly taken back that she is accepting it. That he wants to do this. It’s a huge relief. “Thanks mom,” he says, hugging her again.

Anne holds him tightly, and he can feel wetness touching his cheek.  She’s crying. “Thank you so much baby,” she cries, stroking the hairs at the nape of his neck. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, I love you so much” Anne whispers, rubbing his back with one hand.

“Love you too” he admits, for the millionth time, but it still feels as meaningful as the first.

Yeah, he can’t wait to get her a nice place.

-

Monday comes soon, thankfully. Philip’s overly excited. He is just a signature away from confirming the job. It’s so surreal. In less than twelve days now he’ll be eighteen, and that means he’s twelve days closer to getting pregnant. It is a little nerve wracking if he’s being honest. He knows most of the things to expect, and not many are exciting. The vomiting sounds like it’ll be a pain in the ass, and the excessive amount of doctor visits aren’t something he’s looking forward to. Whatever, there’ll be cute moments too. His cheeks turn pink thinking about the fact that he’ll be growing a living, breathing little human inside him. It’s crazy.

“Excited?” Anne asks him, noting the smile that’s been resting on his face all morning.

He nods, and presses a kiss to her cheek before striding to the door, “see ya, mom.”

“Bye baby” she waves him off, smiling beautifully.

-

He feels excitement, deep in his gut as he walks through Lukas’s gate. Staring up at the large, tall house, he gulps. This’ll be his new home soon. He can’t lie and say he isn’t eager. Philip can’t wait to start working here.

Standing before the large front door, he knocks a couple times. This time though, after thirty seconds of waiting, he doesn’t get an answer. He reaches up his hand to knock again, but the door opens abruptly. A disheveled haired Lukas appears. This time with his three year old girl in his arms.

“Sorry, I was making the little one some hot coco,” he explains, bouncing the three year old gently while she squirms.

Philip nods understandably. “Its fine,” he replies, a cheeky smile gracing his cheeks. _God_ , Lukas is cute. His appearance is even more attractive this time, unbearably so with his dad hair, and tired smile. (And his half buttoned button up _, jesus_.)

Lukas’s daughter looks teeny in his arms, she’s adorable. Beach blonde hair paired with sapphire eyes, just like her father.

Lukas gestures Philip inside with his free arm. Philip’s shoes are a little dirtier today than last time, all muddy from NYC’s excessive raining. He nudges them off, sticking his finger behind the heel to pull the 2nd one off. Instead of sitting in the living room like last week, Lukas takes him down the hall. Lukas twists the knob on the 2nd to last door, revealing a nicely decorated office.

“Sit down, I’m going to put Emma in her playpen” Lukas says, leaving him briefly alone in the room. Philip looks around, plopping himself in the soft leather chair in front of Lukas’s desk. He stares at the picture frames of Lukas and his daughter, no lover in sight of any of those them. Philip vaguely wonders what happened.

His phone screen lights up, glowing with a text. It’s not from his mom surprisingly, but from Tommy, that cute boy with brown hair from gym class. Philip bites his lip, and presses the off button for the screen to blacken. Maybe later.

Lukas returns, striding around his desk. He’s got the contract in his hand. He gives it to Philip once he sits. “Here’s the contract, you can go over it. It basically includes the agreement of the money, and the rules.”

“Alright,” Philip skims over it with his eyes, reading the list of rules.

_One. No guest(s) are allowed on the property without explicit permission._

_Two. Please do not disturb me in my office unless emergency._

_Three. Ask permission before taking Emma out._

_Four. Skipping prenatal visits is not allowed._

They all seem fairly reasonable. Philip doesn’t blink twice before he’s etching his signature across the dotted line. He hands it back to Lukas with a pleased expression. It’s there now, signed for real.

“Great.” Lukas nods, reaching out and shaking Philip’s hand. Philip’s breathe hitches at the feel of them. Big, easily covering his own. With long, _long_ fingers, and Philip has to look away or else he’d end up drooling over them. (Get it together.)

“Thank you so much” Philip tells him, his brown eyes glossy. This little piece of paper is already so sentimental to him. A slice of tree enabling him a better, happier life. Before, he’d thought the likelihood of his mother surviving her addiction was like Russian roulette, now it’s more of a guarantee.

Lukas purses his lips. “You’re the one doing me a favor” he smiles softly.

Philip smiles, and allows himself to be slightly invasive, "just being curious, why do you want another kid?

“Emma” Lukas replies proudly, adding “she really wants a sibling, so I’m giving her one.”

Oh, that makes sense. Philip feels his gaze soften, “that’s so sweet” he gushes. “I’m really excited… and a little scared, to be honest” Philip finally admits. He instantly regrets it. Being professional isn’t his strong suit.

Lukas doesn’t seem to mind his honesty, instead looks intrigued by it. “What makes you nervous about it?” he asks calmly, hands clasped together.

Philip sighs, “I don’t know, I guess just.. the whole thing? I mean, I’ll look like a whale” he jokes, laughing slightly.

Lukas sips his water, and places it down onto a leather coaster on his mahogany desk. “I’m sure you won’t, pregnancy is such a beautiful thing” Lukas replies, voice serious, eyes staring into his.

Philip hesitantly swallows, Lukas’s vivid eyes glued to him in a distracting, nerve wracking sort of way.

“Thanks” Philip says, throat dry.

Lukas flicks his gaze away, onto a scheduling sheet. “Speaking of the pregnancy, would you be good to go to the insemination center on May 28th? That’s the day I’ve decided for you to start working as well.”

Philip nods, “of course,” he says, and he hasn’t felt so certain about anything now in his whole life.


	4. Clinic

Waiting to start working is more boring than he’d thought it’d be. And packing is a hell of a pain in the ass. He had already done three laundry loads and counting, but after one more set he should be good, hopefully.

His mom’s been driving him up the walls. She’s constantly worried that he’ll forget something important to bring. Like his toothbrush, or even socks. He doesn’t bat an eyelash when she inspects his luggage for the 3rd time.

“Philip, you’ll need more than ten pairs of underwear” she complains.

“Fine I’ll bring twenty” he halfheartedly replies, not bothering to go searching for more to pack. He rolls onto his back, and holds his phone above his face. His cheeks are pinker than a peach. He’s been texting Tommy all day, and the pang of having a crush increases more and more with every flirty text he receives from him.

Clicking to reply to the most recent text, which reads ‘ _Wyd Sat?_ ’

‘Packing probably, why?’ he sends back.

His heartbeat quickens when his phone vibrates just seconds later in his palms.

‘ _Wanted 2 see u cutie’_ Philip blushes, rolling his eyes.

‘ _2 bad, u just want 2 get in my pants’_ Philip responds teasingly, adding a kissy emoji.

‘ _U caught me’_ Tommy sends back, and Philip shuts off his phone for now. Flirting with Tommy can be saved for later.

-

After weeks of texting, and just two days before Philip starts his job. He finally agrees to meet Tommy out of school, at Philip’s house.

His mom’s not home, out with her friend Cheryl. Girls night at a bar on the west side, Philip had told her to be careful. He just hopes she’ll listen.

They settle down for movie night, pillows and blankets strewn out all over the couch and floor. The living room looks like a comfy mess.

Tommy’s dangerously handsome, and Philip kind of wants to kiss him. They’re close enough, and the mood is right. Philip’s head resting on Tommy’s shoulder, and if he’d just tilt his head up just right he could-

Kiss him. He could. But he shouldn’t.

Oddly enough the lips six inches away from his face aren’t what he wants exactly. Not that Tommy isn’t desirable, it’s just Philip’s been picturing some guy. Some guy with light hair, blond hair, and the most oceanic blue eyes you’ve ever seen. The description itself has Philip coming to a bitter realization. The guy he’s crushing on is-

Is-

It’s fucking Lukas. Shit.

Whatever.

He can think Lukas is cute. It doesn’t have to mean anything.

He decides to cup the back of Tommy’s neck. Give him the invitation. He parts his lips, eyes glossing over the shape of Tommy’s features. His strong brows, dark eyes, pink lips. Philip badly wants to lock their mouths now. He swallows slowly, Tommy must sense his feelings, cause he looks down, into his eyes. Philip swears he can hear the hitch of Tommy’s breathe, but the audio of the world drowns out the second their lips connect, wetly. In a slick, slick slide. It’s dirty, mostly because no one’s ever kissed Philip softly. He likes it anyways, adds just the right amount of biting, that sharp, exciting graze of teeth.

Maybe he doesn’t like Lukas. Maybe it’s just his strong attraction to men. It makes more sense.

Philip tries not to think about it, and keeps kissing Tommy.

Their lips brush against each other’s till Philip’s are left feeling sore, that old familiar sore that makes him wonder why he even kissed him in the first place.

That doesn’t stop him from texting Tommy after he’d already left. ‘ _I’d like 2 see u again’_

-

Philip steps out of the shower. The air is still humid, the fog clinging to the floor length mirror. He grabs his towel, wiping away the dew from the glass. It reveals his naked body. He stares at himself for a second, touching the skin of his belly. Flat, smooth and concave. He feels nervous butterflies beneath the delicate ivory skin there.

He dries himself off with his towel, and wraps it around his waist, walking out into the hall. His eyes land on a framed picture hanging on the wall. It’s a picture of his mom when she was in high school. She’d won prom queen. Philip thinks it’s a stunning picture. Her flawless skin, white crochet dress, and her hair, done in an early 2000’s hairstyle. It tugs at his chest. He’s going to miss not seeing her face every day.

 Philip closes his bedroom door behind him, taking the clothes he’d set out for himself off the bed. He slips on some loose navy blue sweatpants, tying the waist. He decided on wearing them to the appointment because they’ll be the easiest to remove. He grabs his plain maroon shirt, and pulls it over his head.

He fixes his hair in the mirror, tucking back some medium length curls. He’ll be fine. It’ll be perfectly fine. He reassures himself, checking his phone. He’s got an unread, recent text from Lukas. Its 7:42, right around when he’s supposed to be picked up.

‘ _I’m outside_ ’

Philip glances out his curtain’s window, and sure enough Lukas is waiting against his Maserati. Philip rushes to grab his suitcases, tripping clumsily over his fan’s wire.

His mom’s laying out in the living room, on the couch watching some soap opera. A lit cigarette in her hand, he kisses her quickly. “I’ll visit soon, I love you so much.” He promises, and she clings to him for seconds longer than necessary. He’ll only be a thirty minute bike ride away from home.

“I love you” She says, massaging his arms as he pulls away.

He smiles, kissing her cheek again. “I’ll visit next week, bye mom” he tells her, shutting the door behind himself.

Lukas pops his trunk when Philip nears, and takes a luggage case from Philip’s arms, helping him slide it inside the back. Philip shoves the second one in beside it, and he doesn’t pay attention to Lukas’s hand accidentally brushing his hip.

When he sits in passenger seat he folds his hands in his lap, entwining his fingers together. He ignores the vibration of a text notification against his thigh. Instead he focuses on Lukas strapping up his own seat belt, he looks at the shiny watch hanging off Lukas’s wrist. Then at the well-fitting pants Lukas is wearing. He rests his eyes on Lukas’s lips, the movement of them.

He doesn’t notice till then that he’d been too distracted to hear Lukas talking to him.

“What?” he asks dumbly.

Lukas smiles softly at him. His voice is gentle, like he’d just woken up “I said are you ready for the appointment?”

Philip nods, “Yeah, I am.” He straps on his own seat belt, crossing his legs.

Lukas looks towards the road, starting up the Maserati. Philip feels like he’s being taken to prom. He’d never been in a car so nice. Maybe some of the John’s had nice vehicles. Most of them are forgettable enough thankfully. Though he remembers vividly that one guy with the thing for Philip wearing lip gloss had a nice, shiny Lincoln.

Philip avoids staring at Lukas at all costs, and keeps his eyes fixed on the scenery outside his window.

-

They arrive at the clinic on time, and Philip feels too small for his skin. The look Lukas sends him as they get out the car is reassuring enough though. A silent look in his eyes that says ‘you’re okay.’ Philip accepts this to be true.

He pretends he doesn’t feel warm when Lukas holds the door open for him, and ducks his head, hiding the vivid blush on his cheeks. He plops down into a cool, metal chair. Letting Lukas do all the signing in. There are a couple of people inside, looking tired and bored.

Philip adverts his eyes from a cooing baby, his heart doing weird, twisty things.

His eyes land on a row of posters hung up on the clinic’s wall. All to do with pregnancy, or breastfeeding. The one showing a human fetus inside utero is what he stares at the most. It’s distracting. His belly feels weird, that jittery giddiness inside him. He honestly feels excited about it.

It’s a job, don’t get head over heels. He casually reminds himself, picking at his nails.

He can vaguely hear Lukas and the receptionist laughing about something, and Lukas’s charming “have a good day” as he retreats back to Philip.

Philip averts his eyes from Lukas’s face, avoiding the butterflies he gets when Lukas smiles. Lukas doesn’t seem to notice, or care. Just sitting down casually beside him, and asking nonchalantly “you cold?”

Philip’s heart does that stupid flip floppy thing, and he pulls a neutral face, and tone “I’m good, thank you.” Lukas eyes are unreadable, but he nods “okay.” Philip returns back to looking away, but his body feels hot. His cheeks are undeniably red. Lukas had looked like he was going to take off his jacket for him.

For _Philip_.

Philip won’t deny that the mere thought makes him squeal like a teenage girl inside. Thankfully his brain reminds him that Lukas was probably just being polite. Philip is clearly wearing a really thin jacket and Lukas probably thought it’d be nice to lend him his thicker leather one. It doesn’t have to mean anything.

His eyes return to the baby, a little boy. No older than three months or so. Philip wants to touch its cheeks. They look adorable soft. He remembers Charlotte’s skin was.

A doctor cracks open a door, announcing “Philip?”

He finally looks to Lukas for reassurance, anxiety spiking. Lukas nods, “you’ll do fine.” He promises.

Philip discards the jacket he’d been wearing onto his seat, feeling oddly sweaty in the cold air. He follows after the doctor, whose brunette. She has a kind smile, and looks oddly young compared to the receptionists. Maybe thirty five at most.

“How’s your day going Philip?” She asks politely, taking him down a hall to get weighed. "Good" he replies nonchalant, giving her a soft smile. He stands on top of the scale, staying still while his weight evens out on the scale. He’s a hundred and thirty five pounds. She types this down on her notepad.

“You’re just a tad underweight” she tells him, guiding him down the hall. The information doesn’t surprise him in the least. She takes him into a patient’s room, grabbing a temporal thermometer and running it across his forehead.

“Good, good. You’re at 98.3,” The doctor mutters, tapping the details onto her screen

She gets out of the swivel chair she was seated in, and nods for him to follow after her. He jumps down off the exam table, following her out into the hall. She stops at the bathroom door, “here,” she hands him a box that looks similar to a pregnancy test.

“Pee on the tip, it’s an ovulation kit” The doctor explains, leaving him be briefly.

“Okay” he nods. That makes sense. He's got to be releasing eggs for Lukas’s sperm to even fertilize them. He enters the bathroom, and locks it temporarily. Philip wishes badly that he had the urge to pee. He hadn’t thought to drink water or anything when he woke up. He mentally scolds himself for not being entirely prepared. He goes over to the toilet, ripping the box open and pulling out the plastic test. He undoes the tie on his sweats, tugging them down.

It takes about thirty, maybe forty seconds before he can start peeing. Thankfully he gets enough that it wets the tip of the test.

Tying back up his sweat pants, he exits the bathroom door. He looks around for the brunette doctor. She spots him first though, striding over to him quickly. “Done?” She smiles, taking the test and leading him back into the same exam room. She holds the test, eyeing it. After a moment she hums contently, "You have enough eggs for the insemination" she states, standing up.

Ms. Lee, as he now sees on her nametag, pulls out a paper hospital gown, “undress first, and then put this on, I’ll be back in a minute when you’re finished” she says softly, politely shutting the door as she exits.

He's quick to undress in his loose clothing. In little to no time he’s tying up a plastic string to prevent his gown from falling open. He pops his head out the door, “I’m done.”

Ms. Lee smiles, entering the room again, this time with a long plastic needle thing.

“What is that?” he asks with wide eyes. His worry showing through easily. Philip has never been a fan of needles.

“Relax,” she chuckles, showing the non-pointed end of it, “this is a intrauterine insemination catheter. It’s what injects the sperm into the cervix” she explains, and his worry dissipates completely.

“Oh,” he says dumbly, lying down on his back. Ms. Lee pulls on a pair of blue sterile gloves, making them tight around her fingers. He inhales deeply, letting his legs fall a little more open.

It’s cold now. The air conditioned air harsh on his bare legs. He wishes he’d got to wear Lukas’s jacket.

He takes a deep breath as she pressing the cold catheter against him. It doesn’t hurt as it goes inside. It’s really thin and just feels weird. He does feel some coolness as she presses down on the injector, it’s an odd sensation. Dull but there.

After she pushes the plunger all the way, she gently eases it out.

“See, that wasn’t so bad” she smiles, discarding the excess materials into a waste bin. “I’ve inserted a cervical cap to keep the sperm inside your cervix. You’ll need to relax for about twenty to thirty minutes before I can remove it.”

He nods, resting his head back against the squeaky padding of the exam table. This’ll be boring. He’d left his phone in his jacket, shit.

When Ms. Lee leaves, he focuses on a stain on the ceiling till his eyes start shutting.

-

He didn’t sleep, but he surprisingly did relax. He daydreamed about a memory. Him at twelve, waking up during a nap after school to go rock a crying Charlotte. He remembered how delirious he’d been, all groggy from lack of sleep. Charlotte had been screaming her head off. She had a bad cold at the time. He even remembers warming her baby bottle, nonchalantly stepping over his drugged out mother and Todd. Both in a fog with needles sticking out of their arms. Philip never thought twice. That was normal for them.

Ms. Lee knocks gently on the door, and he tips his head up to see her.

“Hey Philip, I’m going to remove the cap and you’ll be good to go” she promises. And Philip thinks her smile lines compliment her face. Maybe it’s just her brown eyes. Warm like Anne’s.

He smiles, “okay, sounds good” and willingly opens his legs.

She removes it carefully, and taps his thigh when he’s okay to sit up.

“Alright Philip, you might need to wipe if you experience any leaking. But besides that you’re all set” she grins. Allowing him to dress before guiding him out to the checkout desk.

-

Lukas is overly sweet the entire ride. Like Philip’s crippled or something and not like it’s his first day on the job. He even opens Philip’s door for him. Philip’s fucking door, Christ.

Philip might be blushing like a schoolgirl, but he can’t help it. Lukas is so sweet. So kind and-

Philip’s boss.

Philip’s boss who’s just being generous.

That’s it.

Philip lets those thoughts wash out the more outrageous ones.

“How are you feeling?’ Lukas suddenly asks. Breaking his thought process.

“I-uh, good?” he tries, he doesn’t feel anything different really. It’s not how he imagined it. He’d for some reason thought he’d be able to know. Like there’d be a clear tell that says ‘ding ding, you’re pregnant’ or something.

Lukas nods, “that’s good,” and looks over to him with a wary expression, “are you still up for watching Emma today?’

Philip nods, he really wants to meet her. “Yeah, of course.”

Lukas smiles softly, and turns the corner down his street.


	5. Waiting

Lukas scoops Emma out of her crib, up into his arms. Philip watches from afar, at the ivory archway of her bedroom.

Lukas carries her tired body over to him, “here she is, she’s pretty out of it though.”

Philip nods, carefully taking her from Lukas’s hands. “Hey Emma” he whispers softly. He tucks her loosening blanket tighter, and secures his arm around her back.

“Daddy, stranger” she says warily, eyes getting big and looking over to Lukas.

Lukas shakes his head, “this is your babysitter.” When her face doesn’t change, he adds “to watch you.”

“Baby sit watch me?” She asks curiously, sucking her thumb into her mouth.

“Yeah” Lukas nods, smiling at her baby talk.

Philip strokes her hair during their interaction, fascinated by the pretty soft curls. He’ll be giving birth to a baby with hair just a silky. It makes his heart twitch.

He flicks his eyes up to Lukas, watching him dig around in his pocket. “Here Philip, this is a list of food and activities that Emma likes. I’m going to go get started on writing” he informs him. Heading out into the hall to go to his office.

Philip distinctly hears his office door shut, and attempts to read the list. It’s dim lighting, so he decides to take her out into the living room. He caresses her head as he lays her down on the couch, sidling up beside her. The list is pretty much everything he expects. She likes cartoon movies, her toys, and her favorite meal happens to be macaroni.

She makes a noise. An uncomfortable whine.

“What’s wrong?” Philip asks, gathering the three year old girl in his arms. She blinks up at him, agitation etching across her face. “I pooped my pants” she whines, eyes tearing up.

Philip doesn’t know if it’s the confirmation of it or what, but he suddenly smells it and yeah, she definitely did.

“Alright” he shushes her. He carries her out into the hall, and back into her room to lie her down on her stark white changing table. She squirms in annoyance as he goes to grab the wipes and a fresh diaper. He rushes back to her quickly, “shh sweetie, I’m gonna change your diaper” he soothes, taking off the soiled one. “icky” she says, scrunching her nose. He smiles, tossing it in her princess pink trash bin. It makes Philip notice how well decorated everything is. Her room is completely detailed with flowers, a pale orange wall, with some of her hand paintings upon it.

He tentatively grabs her moving legs, fastening the Velcro of the diaper comfortably around her chubby hips. He tucks her lavender nightgown back down, and lifts her on his hip. Carrying her back to the living room. “You want anything to eat or drink Emma?” he asks, voice soft like he always does when he’s talking to a child.

She blinks a few times, like she’s thinking. “Milk and cookies!” she decides, her whole mood switching entirely.

He chuckles at her eager response, “okay, do you want to watch tv while I make it?”

She nods quickly, “yeah!” He sets her down, watching her climb back on top of the couch. He goes over to the large flat screen, searching for a turn on button. It’s oddly underneath, something Philip’s not used to.

Flicking it on, he grabs the remote, switching the channels till it lands on Disney. “Alright, I’ll be right back” he promises, striding to the kitchen.

When he steps past the tall archway of the kitchen he stops for a second, marveling the beauty of the light maple wood counters and cabinets. The table’s is huge too, a thick slab of oak wood it appears.

“Wow” he whispers under his breathe. He even runs his finger across the perfectly cleaned countertop, marble sure is pretty. He vaguely remembers to get a move on with making Emma’s meal.

He starts searching in the pantry, grabbing a chips ahoy bag of cookies. Then he goes over to the fridge, pulling out the milk and filling up a glass of full of it.

Philip carefully brings it back, making sure not spill on any of the rugs. Emma is thankfully invested in her Disney show, giggling along with the jokes.

“Here you go sweetie,” he says, handing her the glass. He places the cookies beside her, “careful” he warns when she idly starts tipping her drink.

He seats himself down, pulling out his phone. He even briefs a glance her way, making sure she’s drinking her milk. Emma sips it contently, eyes completely enamored by the tv screen.

He flicks his eyes back towards his phone. Clicking open Tommy and his conversation.

‘ _Wyd_ ’ Tommy sent about twenty minutes ago.

“ _Babysitting, you_?” Philip sends, sucking on his bottom lip distractedly.

His phone vibrates two minutes later.

‘ _Same, kinda, at my little bros football game’_ Tommy replies. And Philip smiles.

‘ _That’s sweet’_ he sends, adding a smiley.

Philip sets down his phone, charging it. He ends up sitting through two episodes of some new Disney show that Emma overly enjoys. She falls asleep with crumbs on her lips and Philip wipes them away with his sleeve. Thinking about how absolutely adorable she is.

-

He naps on the couch for a couple hours, waking before Emma does though.

Still feeling weirdly tired, he decides to make a pot of coffee. The thought itself excites him. He’d always loved the taste of coffee beans and he knows that Lukas certainly has a brand better than the one Philip’s used to.

Sure enough, he does. The name brand kind, not the store brand. Philip pulls out a coffee filter, sliding it into place and filling the pure white paper with the grinded bean. The aroma smells so good, so strong instantly. Philip feels like he’d went to heaven when the water finally starts brewing.

He pours two mugs, thinking about Lukas. He wonders how he likes it. He adds a little cream and sugar, not too much in case Lukas isn’t in to that.

Philip sips his own, sweet and strong. His senses waking immediately, surrounded by the heavy smell of it.

“Mmm” he hums, sipping his and carrying Lukas’s in his other hand. He places Lukas’s down temporarily on a table in the hall, and enters the room.

Lukas flicks his eyes up, stilling from using his typewriter. “What is it?” he asks, eyebrows furrowing.

“Nothing’s wrong, Emma’s sleeping” he smiles, carrying Lukas’s drink to him. “Here, I made you some coffee. I hope you like milk and sugar” he smiles genuinely, heart fluttering as he waits for Lukas’s response to the taste.

Lukas has a surprised, but pleased expression as he swallows the liquid in his mouth, humming, “it’s really good. Thank you.”

Philip nods, cheeks flushing. He exits Lukas’s office, hand stilling on the knob. His heart beating weirdly fast.

He’d only made him coffee. It’s not a big deal.

-

After he tucks Emma into her crib that night, he switches on her nightlight. A little lily that glows a baby purple. “Goodnight Emma, sweet dreams” he whispers, retreating to his new room.

His bedroom’s already set up, a nice tv, big, spacious bed with porcelain colored sheets. A dresser, its own bathroom. Philip’s in love with Lukas’s beautiful place.

He skips showering for tonight, he’s dead tired. He flops back onto the unreal softness of the queen sized bed. Nearly moaning with how comfortable the padding and pillows are.

He checks his phone. He sees a notification from Tommy but his eyes are too tired for him to click it. He drops his phone beside him, and curls into the warm sheets.

-

He wakes up early, around five am. The sun’s barely up but he’s restless. He twists and turns trying to get comfortable, maybe sleep a couple more hours, but nothing works.

He sighs annoyedly, standing up on wobbly legs.

He’ll take a shower then. He walks towards the bathroom, feeling the soft fur of the rug between his toes. He opens the door. Shit, even the nob is fancy.

The bathroom is gorgeous, just like the main one. Marble flooring and a nice big glass shower. He pulls off his underwear, tossing it into the hamper. He pushes back the glass, and it even feels nice between his palms. Thick and expensive. He twists the knobs of the shower, staying clear of the spray while it starts up. Testing the temperature with his fingertip. He decides to add less cold water.

He steps into the hot spray when it evens out. It feels so amazing. The pressure of the water is nothing like it is at his mom’s place. Here it’s super intense. So incredibly warm and soothing.

Philip feels special as he uses a pricy shampoo. He’s used to the dollar vo5 bottles.

After his hair is all sudsy he starts to wash out the shampoo. He lathers the rest of his skin in body soap, and rinsing the moisture off till his skin is smooth and clean.

Stepping out the warmth, and shutting off the pouring warmth, he dries himself with a towel hanging from the rack.

He steps into view of the mirror, touching his belly gently. He wishes there’d be a way to tell this early, but it’s hopeless.

He sighs, and discards his damp towel in the hamper. Philip exits from the bathroom back into his room to dress.

Philip picks out a loose pair of short. They’re his favorite shorts that he wears when he just wants to be comfy. He pulls on a long red shirt. It’s soft cotton and hangs low on his hips.

He steps out into the hall, quietly walking over to Emma’s bedroom. He curses under his breathe when he accidentally steps on one of Emma’s toys, making a squeak sound. Philip instantly hears her shifting, probably waking up. He peers over her crib, looking at her. She’s awake, eyes puffy and tired.

“Good morning” Philip whispers softly, stroking her blonde hair. She yawns, and he scoops her up. Carrying the three year old out into the kitchen.

Lukas is surprisingly up, whisking a bowl. He hears their entry, glancing over his shoulder. “Morning,” he smiles, that tired, morning smile that makes Philip’s heartbeat quicken. “How’s my favorite girl doing?” Lukas coos, coming over and stroking Emma’s cheek.

“Daddy!” Emma whines, making grabby hands for Lukas. Lukas kisses her nose, sending Philip an amused look as he takes Emma from his arms.

“She’s really energetic for mornings” Philip notes, softly smiling, leaning against the counter.

Lukas laughs, and Philip feels weirdly proud of himself for it. “Yeah, she always is” Lukas agrees, pouring batter into a hot pan.

“I hope you like pancakes, cause I’m making some for you too” Lukas teases, raising an eyebrow.

Philip’s cheeks tinge pink. He plops down into a barstool at the counter, lifting Emma off the ground and into his lap.

“I do” he nods, letting Emma play with his fingers.


	6. Come on, baby

“I’m not pregnant?” Philip asks, wide eyed. Ms. Lee nods with a casual expression. Like it’s not a big deal or anything.

“Don’t worry. It doesn’t always work the first time. We can try again when you’re ovulating” she tells him, tapping the info into her screen pad.

Philip bites his bottom lip in disappointment. He honestly wants to cry. For over a week he’d been thinking he for sure was pregnant. He’d been waiting for the symptoms, but no, he’s not.

He feels weirdly gutted about it. All those times in the mirror he’d picture a tiny cell growing in his belly. The little spark of life that he so desperately wants. Wait, no, he corrects himself. That Lukas desperately wants. Philip is just going to carry the baby, but it’ll be Lukas’s legally.

Philip doesn’t want a baby. He really doesn’t.

Maybe if he keeps thinking that then it’ll be true.

“I’ll see you next month?” Ms. Lee questions, leading him out.

Philip nods dejectedly. Not really in the mood to talk to her anymore.

-

Philip cries into his pillow. Thankfully when he’d got back to Lukas’s Emma had been asleep on the couch, giving Philip some time to be alone in his gloominess. He rests a hand on his belly. He feels weirdly empty. It makes him feel colder.

-

He gives Emma a bathe. She makes him feel a little better. Her pretty eyes gazing up at him while he sings under his breathe.

He likes it. It’s calming him. Giving him relief from his day.

She thankfully seems to like Nancy Sinatra as well, because she has a content little smile on her face. He can clearly tell she’s tired. Her eyes fluttering closed as he pours a cupful of warm water across her skin.

“Ready for bed sweet pea?” He coos, scooping her up in a towel.

She whines. A tell-tale ‘yes.’

He strokes her wet strands, kissing the top of her head before settling her down in her crib. Philip tucks her soft blanket in, making sure she’s warm.

-

He tries to go to bed, but he can’t get in a position comfortable enough to fall sleep. His head is overfilled with thoughts of the doctor appointment.

He hadn’t told Lukas yet. His mind keeps making him feel like he needs to. His heart doesn’t want to see the disappointment that’ll be on Lukas’s face.

He steps out of his room quietly, going over and standing before Lukas’s closed office door. Heart beat thudding fast as he raises his hand to knock.

He gently does, not to loud to echo and wake Emma.

Philip hears footsteps nearing, he gulps, palms getting sweaty with nervousness.

“Philip?” Lukas squints in the dim hallway lighting. He looks tired from overworking.

Philip looks down at his toes, shyly asking “can I come in?”

Lukas steps aside quickly, “yeah yeah, sure, whats up?” he asks, sitting back in his desk chair.

“I’m- I-“ he stutters. His throat closing up. He knows it’s not really a big deal. They can just redo the insemination at the clinic. But for some reason his heart still feels sore from the news.

Lukas raises his brow, “what?”

Philip’s eyes get leaky, and he finally finds it in himself and meets Lukas’s blue, open eyes.

“I’m not pregnant” he admits quietly, in defeat.

“Philip-“ Lukas says, voice unreadable. Disappointed for sure, though. Lukas comes around the desk, sitting in the seat beside him.

“We can..” he sighs, but pats his thigh soothingly “we can go back to the clinic, make another appoint-“

“We could do it here” Philip says bluntly. His mouth falls open when he realized what he said.

“You-“ Lukas stops, eyes widening, brows furrowing in deep confusion. “What?”

Philip’s body breaks out into a cold, anxious sweat. Sex to him was something he could casually talk about. Being an ex-prostitute and all. He might’ve not done penetration with clients but this is something entirely different. This would be a way to increase their chances of Philip getting pregnant. His mother got pregnant with him naturally, just like his aunt, and countless other family members.

“Sorry- it’s just- I think it’d be better… to do it naturally” Philip whispers, cheeks flushing a burning red.

He can vividly hear Lukas’s breathe hitch, “Philip…. I don’t know if I- I don’t know.”

“It’s okay” Philip says.

-

He’s bounces a crying Emma on his hip. Attempting to shush her pitchy cries. “Shh, you’re okay, Phi is gonna get you a bandaid alright?” he promises, carrying her flushed body to the bathroom.

She’d stubbed her toe on the archway. Her toe has a minor cut near the outer part of it. Nothing a little disinfectant spray and wrap can’t fix.

Emma sniffles “it hurts.” He nods, kissing her cheek as he rips open the plastic of a band aid. He wraps it comfortably tight around her toe, keeping it loose enough.

“See, hello kitty will make you all better” he soothes, rocking her as he carries her into the living room.

He places her on the couch. Lukas comes in through the front door, a couple bags of grocery bags in his hands.

Philip rushes over to help him, grabbing the eggs and milk.

“How was Em?” Lukas asks, going into the kitchen, Philip follows after.

“She was great like always,” he smiles softly, “she cut her toe, I’d bandaged it though.”

Lukas nods, sending Philip a warm smile. They place the bags temporarily on the counter, pulling the items out and putting them away.

Philip hears the noise of Lukas placing things away stop completely. He turns around in confusion, seeing Lukas still by the fridge.

“Philip,” Lukas says, not turning around to look at him. “I was thinking about.. what you said.”

Philip’s breathe catches in his throat. Heart beating rapidly, the sound of his blood pumping filling his ears.

“We could.. try” Lukas finishes, voice soft. And it’s like a bulb smashing in perfect silence. The power of those words. Making them incredibly loud compared to the actual, gentle tone Lukas used.

“Okay” Philip croaks, throat feeling dryer than the Sahara.

“Tonight?” Lukas asks.

After gulping, Philip repeats his words in agreement. “Tonight.”

-

Philip is overly nervous. He’s sitting in the shower overthinking everything. He knows that this is for a purpose. And that purpose only.

But then again, it’s still sex. And he’s never had sex with anyone before.

He soaps up his hair, not caring what shampoo this time.

And-

He likes Lukas. Likes him a lot. It’s a bitter truth that he is learning to accept.

Philip just hope them trying for a baby (for SURROGACY!) isn’t going to make his heart get in the middle.

He prepares himself on his fingers. It’d be something too personal for Lukas to do. Because this is a job. Lukas is just doing this so he can get a child in return. Philip’s doing this for the money, he reassures himself.

That doesn’t stop him from thinking about how Lukas will look _on_ him. They’re going to be naked together. Philip’s going to _feel_ him. Jesus.

He feels a cool shiver rush of his spine.

He finishes showering, turning off the knob and stepping out.

-

Philip decides to wear his robe. It’s stark white, and it’s a nice and soft too. He’d gotten it once when a client had nothing else to offer him in exchange.

He pulls on some undies, too. He steps into the mirror, and fixes his hair. Philip wants to stop when he realizes what he’s doing. Trying to look good for Lukas when this is supposed to be just work.

(Get it together.)

He feels his heart in his throat as he walks slowly towards Lukas’s office, tapping the door quietly.

Lukas steps out into the hall after a couple seconds, and Philip can’t look at him.

“Hey,” Lukas says softly.

Philip’s lip quivers nervously, “..hey.”

“Philip… we don’t have to-“

“I want to- I mean.. It’s better this way than waiting a month.” Philip replies, looking up into those eyes. So unwavering, so deep blue. Like drowning, thousands of feet underneath the ocean.

Lukas’s eyes flicker over him, and Philip feels softer in his gaze.

“Yeah,” Lukas whispers, “it probably is.”

Philip sucks on his bottom lip. “Where would you… want to do.. this?”

Lukas coughs. Philip blushes.

“My bedroom.. or yours?” Lukas asks him uncertainly.

“Mine,” Philip shrugs.

Lukas nods, eyes flickering with something, falling to Philip’s door.

“Okay,” He whispers, and Philip leads the way.

When they sit down on the bed. The air has an awkward silence to it. Lingering for too long.

Lukas initiates the first move, touching Philip’s thigh.

“How do you want to do this?” he asks softly, looking into Philip’s eyes. Softly grazing his fingers upwards, making electric heat trail on his skin.

“I-“ Philip breaks off his sentence, lying on his back. “Like this” he breathily answers, settling his lower body on a pillow.

Lukas nods, “yeah” he mutters under his breathe, crawling tentatively up Philip’s body.

Philip exhales, untying his robe between them. He can vividly feel his heart pounding wildly against his ribcage. The pressure in the air so thick.

“Lukas,” Philip whispers, pulling him down slightly, letting him know that it’s okay.

Lukas gently coaxes Philip’s thighs up, rubbing them tenderly. He is inches away from Lukas’s lips, but so heartbreakingly close.

Philip closes his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Lukas above him, hearing the faint sound of Lukas’s zipper.

“Philip,” Lukas whispers breathily against his ear, “do I need to-“

“No- It’s good, I’m ready” Philip promises, thighs now wrapped around Lukas’s frame.

“Yeah” Lukas nods, his nose bumping the crevice of Philip’s neck. Sending goosebumps rising across his pale skin.

“You sure” Lukas checks, his breathe warm against his neck.

Philip nods, softly stroking the dip of Lukas’s lower back.

Lukas touches his hip, and Philip can feel the pressure of him. It bumping wetly against his thigh. Philip finds himself keening for it.

Just because its technically work doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy it.

Philip’s tummy feels warm. All fuzzy as Lukas nuzzles his face against the crook of Philip’s neck.

Philip grabs hold onto Lukas’s biceps as he presses in.

It hurts. Of course.

Lukas hushes against his neck “you’re okay, you’re okay.”

 Philip gasps, and clings to him. He feels like he can.

Lukas keeps still for him, being so sweet and gentle. Rubbing his thighs, cooing reassuring whispers into his ears.

Philip doesn’t really hear them. The white noise is his ears ringing. It’s a warm, good feeling now. His body loosening up, getting used to the stretch. And Lukas sure feels beautiful.

“So deep- Lukas” he pants, veins rising as he shivers.

Lukas smiles against his neck. Philip can feel the slight rub of his teeth and the stretch of his lips.

“Is it good?”

Philip nods jerkily, fingers squirming in the sheets now.

Lukas rolls his hips testingly, and Philip howls.

Lukas sits up, on his heels. Gaining better leverage. The shift in position changes the angle of Lukas inside him, making him press directly against his spot.

Philip makes a broken sound, clinging to Lukas’s tentative arms.

Lukas is so soft with him, rubbing his hips delicately, mouthing wetly along the top of his thigh.

“Beautiful” Philip swears he hears Lukas murmur. It doesn’t mean anything though. Nothing more than sex talk. Philip badly wishes they had depth behind them. But Philip knows Lukas just sees this as a job. Getting another child that he wants.

Lukas starts up thrusts. it’s immediately too much for Philip’s inexperienced body. Sending him twitching uselessly underneath him. His mind fogged with the intense pleasure in his lower abdomen. Lukas deep in him, rubbing all the right spots.

Lukas’s body is gorgeous. Straining muscles evident above him. His hips relentless, making Philip’s body burst with pleasure on every thrust.

Philip wraps his arms around Lukas’s neck. It’s sweet. Warm and wet sounding as their bodies collide. Lukas moans against his ear as he presses in and in-

“So tight- so- fuck” Lukas hisses, cupping Philip’s inner thigh.

Philip’s thighs tighten around Lukas’s waist. Philip grips Lukas’s arm, and the other clawing at the sheets. The tingly, hot feeling bubbling in his belly starts, spreading out. Filling every vein. The need to kiss Lukas increases tenfolds. He badly wishes he had the right to.

Lukas strokes his face while he cums, eyes watching him softly. Like him shaking, mouth pliant beneath him is something cute.

Philip’s thighs melt like jelly, falling open weakly.

Lukas slides in and out for a couple more minutes. Philip thinks he can tell Lukas is about to come. Panting heavily in his ear, his toned thighs getting shaky.

Philip feels him. It spreads inside his belly, wet and deep. Lukas grunts, and Philip’s hands cling to his ass. Keeping him deep.

After a long breathe, Lukas tentatively slides out.

Philip is panting softly, belly vibrating with oversensitive nerves.

Lukas sighs, getting off the bed.

“Think it’ll work?” Philip asks breathily, curling in his sheets. He’ll need to get a towel when Lukas leaves. A wetness trailing down his thigh.

Lukas does up his pants, and softly smiles. “It should- I uh-“ he awkwardly stops at the door, biting his lip in a nervous ‘I don’t know what to say’ kind of way.

“Goodnight Philip” Lukas says, softly shutting the door behind him.

Philip’s heart seems to double in size. Already feeling weirdly attached after what just happened.

He feels more of a certainty to it now. They made a baby.


	7. Closer

Philip’s pregnant.

He realizes that immediately when he wakes up nauseous as hell. He runs to the bathroom, not even his bathroom. The main bathroom instead, it’s about equal distance, just to the left out in the hall.

Philip doesn’t care to stop from entering even after he hears the distinct sound of the shower running. His puke’s not going to wait. He drops to his knees painfully. The marble is relentless on his bony knees. He retches repeatedly into the bowl, closing his eyes to avoid seeing the nasty bile splashing inside. He rubs his tummy with one hand, using the other to keep his head out the bowl.

“Philip- are you okay?” Lukas, all wide eyed, hair wet. Soaked to his forehead, head just revealed out the shower curtain.

“I’m okay,” he mutters, adding groggily “I’m pregnant.” It’s ironic. It’s something he’s been so excited for but now that he’s dealing with it- it feels like a burden.

Lukas doesn’t say anything, but Philip can hear the sound of the water stopping. He doesn’t look back as he hears Lukas reach for a towel, the clear sound of it pulling from the rack.

“Philip,” Lukas whispers, standing behind him. Philip really wishes he wasn’t sick because it makes him too nauseas to appreciate Lukas’s half naked, glistening wet body.

Instead he reaches a shaky hand up, letting Lukas’s much stronger frame pull him up easily. “I’ve got you, don’t worry” Lukas reassures him, helping him stand still.

Philip clings to him uselessly, being half carried back to his room like a rag doll. Philip feels shock inside his skin every time Lukas’s hands touch him anywhere. He feels dizzy as Lukas lays him down, gently moving his sweaty hair off his forehead.

“Thank you Philip, thank you.” Lukas whispers, touching his hand, _caressing_ it delicately.

“We did it” he swears he hears Lukas whisper under his breathe.

Philip feels heat inside him, in his core. The blunt certainty now that he has a baby inside him. A tiny little gift.

When Lukas leaves, Philip hugs an armful of blankets and a pillow, clinging to it for warmth that he craves from something other than lifeless cotton.

-

Philip is sitting on the couch, legs crossed. Emma all up in his lap. They’re watching an old Scooby doo cartoon, and Philip’s got extreme nostalgia.

He vividly remembers watching the same episodes when he was twelve, only Charlotte was in his lap instead.

Lukas surprises him by entering past the archway. His plaid shirt’s sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and the hem of the neck open. Philip’s body feels hot. He adverts his eyes to Lukas’s hair, that usual, ‘I’ve been writing for hours’ type look to it. It’s stringy and messy, and Philip wants to run his fingers through it. Want to see if they still feel as soft as they did on his skin last night.

Philip’s insides do that weird thing again. Fuck.

“Daddy!” Emma squeals, bouncing out of Philip’s lap.

“Hey sweetie” Lukas chimes, picking her up as she gleefully runs to him. He looks at Philip, who’s sweating at the palms.

“You feel any better?” Lukas asks him. His big, invasive eyes focused on Philip.

“Yeah” Philip says without looking up, voice overly dry. He needs water.

Lukas exhales, “okay”, and plops down beside him.

Philip wants to squirm away. His mind’s completely fizzled being this close to Lukas. Their thighs touching, Lukas’s hand casually resting on his own knee. Just an inch from touching Philip’s knee.

“Who’s Scooby running from?” Lukas asks Emma, grinning at her entertained expression.

“He’s a werewolf!” Emma replies enthusiastically.

“He is? That’s scary” Lukas coos, and Philip watches their interaction with his eyes beaming hearts. It’s way too cute.

“He’s not scary daddy!” Emma says. She cutely mispronounces ‘scary.’

Emma turns to look at Philip, “tell daddy mister werewolf isn’t scary.”

Philip nods, laughing at her order. “Lukas, the werewolf isn’t scary.”

“It’s mister werewolf!” she interjects, sticking out her tongue at him.

“Mister werewolf it is” Philip chuckles, his eyes landing back on the tv.

Philip’s skin set alight as Lukas’s fingertip brushes his knee. It’s absentminded for sure. Philip can see out of the corner of his eye that Lukas isn’t even looking at him. He’s focused on Emma, playing with her hair with his other hand.

He keeps still, barely breathing. Then the slightest, softest movement from Lukas’s finger starts. It just twitches gently against a small dip in Philip’s knee.

Philip tries not to noticeably squirm as Lukas grazes his fingertip delicately across the flesh. Just rubbing his knee back and forth with one finger, sliding the soft pad across the smooth bone.

 _It’s on purpose_. Philip’s heart rate spikes up at the mere thought.

Philip breaks the moment, asking in a weirdly rushed voice “do you want coffee?”

Lukas’s hand stills, and Philip takes the time to get up, away from that electric hand. Away from the _burn_.

“-Sure,” Lukas nods. A questionable look in his eye. Something there that Philip can’t read.

Philip nearly jogs to the kitchen. Once he gets past the archway, he turns, hiding from view and taking a deep breathe. Feeling liked he’d been left underwater for too long.

-

Philip puts Emma down for a nap. She’d gotten irritable from not getting enough sleep last night.

“Sleep well,” he whispers, placing a kiss on her cheek.

He takes a moment to cherish how she looks. Graceful, peaceful, beautiful. He touches her skin, the gentlest graze of his careful fingers.

Her skin is baby soft, of course, like silk. Philip doesn’t notice till now that he’d been cupping his belly with his other hand.

He and Lukas did it. They made a baby. A baby that’ll be just as real as the angel in front of him.

Philip smiles.

-

Philip lies down on his bed. Belly first. The giving softness of the mattress is so welcoming. He pulls a blanket on top of his lower, naked body. He’s fresh out the shower, nude and sated.

He grabs his phone from the nightstand, swiping at the screen till he clicks on his mom’s name, starting to write her a text.

‘ _Mom I’ve missed you so much! Can u meet me tmorow for coffee @ Postmark Café? Love you!_ ’

Philip’s first paycheck went through, six hundred dollars fresh in his account. When he walked Emma in a stroller he’d spotted the small coffee shop, just a couple houses down from Lukas’s place.

His first thought had about his mother’s strong love for coffee.

-

They’re sitting inside. Philip’s leg propped on his other, and Anne happily sipping her hot coffee. The steam rising visibly out the mug.

“Mm” she hums around the liquid. Anne looks up at him, eyes crinkling as she smiles.

“Thank you baby, this is really good” She says, taking another sip.

He smiles, chuckling slightly, “don’t thank me, thank the hipsters who made it.”

She laughs, flicking his arm. “Be good” she mutters, hiding her smile as she sips her drink.

He feels a buzz against his thigh. He slides his phone out of his pocket.

It’s Tommy.

Philip clicks on his message nonchalantly.

‘ _What are you up to_?’ Tommy sent.

Philip flicks his eyes up to his mom, and turns off his phone.

“So…” he trails off, feeling an odd giddiness about the information he’s about to tell her.

“What?” she laughs, pushing his shoulder playfully.

“I’m… pregnant” he admits. A bashful smile resting on his cheeks.

Anne’s laughter dies out, and she purses her lips. Her face looked decently shocked.

“Wow-” She finally says. Her eyes skimming his body like she’ll be able to tell or something.

She cracks a smile, warm and soft. And Philip relaxes.

“How can you tell?” she asks curiously, resting her chin on her hand.

Philip blushes, thinking back to when he knew this morning.

“I vomited into Lukas’s toilet yesterday and this again this morning” he laughs, adding “it’s the _worst_.”

His mom hugs him with one arm, “Awe” she says, cooing sweetly at him. He blushes, wrapping his arms around her. “You’ll be good baby,” she says, rubbing his back “morning sickness sucks sweetie, but it’ll go away in a couple weeks.” She promises, pecking his cheek.

He wants to cry. He missed her so much. He already misses her knowing they’ll separate again for a little bit.

“I love you” Philip whispers, sighing in relief in her arms.

-

Philip lies in bed that night staring directly at the ceiling. His imagination running wild.

Philip creeping down the hall. Going into Lukas’s bedroom. He’d never been in it before, but he imagines it looks similar to his own.

He wants to crawl up in Lukas’s bed, slide into his arms, kiss his beautiful face. Philip wants to touch his angels blond hairs, press his lips to the cutely small tip of his nose.

He wants to cuddle with Lukas. Wrap his arms around his middle.

He wishes Lukas longed for him the way he’s longing for _Lukas_.

Philip pulls his hand out of his underwear. The mood pretty much gone after his emotions got the best of him.

The door of his bedroom cracks open, Philip’s heart thumps wildly.

“Emma?” Philip calls out, covering his lower body in the sheets.

Lukas appears, a mug in his hand.

“Lukas?” Philip quirks a brow, flicking his eyes down to his own naked chest.

“Made you coffee” Lukas points to the mug, coming over and placing it on the end table.

“Caffeine before bed? It’s late Lukas” he says, but eagerly takes a sip of it anyway. Lukas makes the best coffee.

“Mmm- did you add extra cream?” Philip hums, absentmindedly licking the cream around the edge of the mug into his mouth.

“Yeah-“ Lukas says, a little distractedly, staring out the window.

Philip wraps the sheets around his middle, standing up. He feels weirdly brave, electric  humming under his skin.

“Lukas” Philip whispers, reaching out curiously, carefully touching the middle of Lukas’s upper back. “What are you doing up?” he asks, voice still small.

Philip can feel Lukas’s muscle tense underneath his touch, and then relax.

“I guess I’ve been inspired lately” he shrugs, turning towards Philip. “and you-“

“You’ve been really, really great” Lukas admits, tone soft.

Philip’s heart stutters. This feels like Lukas is complimenting him, not in a boss sort of way.

“Thank you” Philip gulps, “Lukas.”

Lukas keeps staring at him. An unreadable glint in his eye.

Philip feels shy underneath Lukas’s prying eyes.

But a little brave, too.

“Lukas?” he asks, leaning back on the bed with his elbows.

Lukas has a soft expression. He slowly sits down beside Philip. His movements causing Philip’s insides to squirm with hope. Lots and lots of hope.

“Philip,” Lukas says, setting Philip’s cheek aflame as he touches it. No, reaches up gently to cup it, his large hand framing Philip’s face in the most gorgeous way.

Philip bites his lip to hold in the squeak that wanted to come out.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re absolutely beautiful?” Lukas whispers.

Philip thinks his heart is going to beat out his chest.

Holy shit.

Philip’s mouth drops open, eyes flickering over Lukas’s face in awe.

Lukas’s eyes glaze over his lips, Philip’s shivers.

“You have an exquisite type of beauty…”

Philip gulps, fingers clenching in his sheets. He feels vulnerable. Lukas eyes reading through him.

Maybe Lukas can see his soul glowing, his heart racing wildly, his lunges deflated against his ribs.

The absolute silence between them now.

Lukas breaks the moment, lifting up off the bed.

“Thanks” Philip says, dry. His voice too gone to speak fully.

Lukas nods solemnly, “sleep well, Philip.”

When Lukas shuts the door behind himself Philip grabs his pillow, wrapping his legs around it. Pretending the heat against the cotton wasn’t from his own body, but Lukas’s.

He wonders if that faint scent of cologne from Lukas is still there.

It isn’t, Philip feels weirdly empty about it.

He closes his eyes, imagining heavy arms comfortably resting on his back, holding him tight.


	8. Crash and revival

It’s been two weeks.

Two weeks since Lukas called him beautiful, and then nothing.

Lukas is acting like Lukas, just distant instead. Not getting close as usual. He stands a little further now. When he sits beside Philip there’s space between them. The distance of Lukas’s leg is now annoying, even if it’s just a couple inches.

Philip knows he’s doing it on purpose, he just doesn’t get why. He’s too hurt to confront Lukas about it himself. Choosing to pretend not to care is what Philip specializes in.

So he does, at least to Lukas. The first day he tried to tell himself that is was no big deal, that it won’t bother him. Expectedly, he ended up sobbing into his pillow by the end of the night.

He rolls over, blindly reaching for his phone. Knocking off his water bottle onto the floor loudly, he sighs, and pulls his phone from the charger.

There’s two unread messages from Tommy, he rubs his eyes tiredly, and clicks on them.

‘ _Hey_ ’

‘ _Gm_ ’

 Philip smiles softly, relaxing back against his pillow as he starts typing.

‘ _Good morning, wyd_?’

He slips his phone into his pocket, and lets out a yawn as he stretches. He tip toes down the hall, entering Emma’s room. Oddly enough, Lukas is up. He’s leaning over the side of her bed, cradling her up into his arms.

“Hey Em, want some cereal?” Lukas asks her, cooing softly.

Philip watches from afar, hip leaning on the archway.

The floorboard must creak beneath Philip or something because Lukas sends a look back, spotting him.

“Hey,” Philip whispers, coming over towards them. He touches Emma’s cheek, flicking his eyes to Lukas’s, “I can make her breakfast if you want.”

Lukas purses his lips and shakes his head, “its okay. You have your appointment soon.”

Philip raises a confused brow, “I do?”

Lukas glances over him, chuckling “you forgot?”

Philip nods, sucking on his bottom lip in thought.

“Just a checkup” Lukas adds, sliding out the room past Philip.

Philip nods weakly, heart dropping as he stares down the empty hall.

-

He isn’t excited anymore. The appointment is bland, dull, boring. Philip isn’t thinking about any of it. He doesn’t care about getting his levels checked. Or the possibility of seeing the ultrasound. He doesn’t care about what music to listen to on the radio even though Lukas offers him to change it.

He doesn’t care. He feels overwhelmed with every glance Lukas gives him. He feels like Lukas ran him over, tossed him away, and left him down on the ground.

He can’t keep staring at him. Those lips, that said such pretty, sacred words to him just weeks ago. Those same lips that had kissed along Philip’s thigh. That hair, while they were-

It had brushed against Philip’s neck, his chest. He even remembers that one strand that had gotten caught on the slickness of his mouth.

He misses it. Misses him.

Philip knows he shouldn’t, Lukas is his boss. They live together. He sees him every day, but the distantness between them feels like he hasn’t seen Lukas in a while.

He wonders repeatedly what happened. Should Philip have said more than thanks? Should he have admitted his feelings? That Lukas is fucking jaw dropping beautiful and that Lukas is everything he wants?

Philip clasps his hands in his lap, his teeth gnawing at his bottom lip in a jittery way. He wants to go home and watch a movie with Emma. He doesn’t want to hear about the baby he’s carrying _for_ Lukas. Everything about the pregnancy right now is making him bitter. Lukas is treating him-

Lukas is treating him like this is just work, and that’s what Philip hates the most.

He’d thought- for sure, that he’d gotten a scratch closer. Once he and Lukas had sex. Even though it’d been for work, Philip hadn’t taken it that way. He’d felt so close to Lukas.

He wishes he could again.

 _It won’t work_ , his brain reminds.

That constant reminder. Philip wishes his mind would shut up about realities for a second, and let Philip bathe in his dreamland fantasy.

“Good, you’re all healthy” Ms. Lee exclaims, nodding with a smile.

Philip blinks, processing what she just said.

“That’s great,” Lukas says for him, looking at the doctor with a curious expression.

Ms. Lee nods, filing her paperwork together.

“When could Philip get an ultrasound done?” Lukas asks, nonchalantly running his fingers through Emma’s hair whilst she plays on his phone.

Ms. Lee taps her nails against the counter, flipping through her scheduling book.

“Well… Philip’s only over two weeks, we won’t be able to do a clear ultrasound till eight weeks. But we can see a heartbeat at six,” She promises, looking between them for a decision.

Philip finally gets a flicker of interest, “I’d like get one as soon as possible.” He smiles, ignoring Lukas looking at him out the corner of his eye.

“Alright, then I’ll schedule you for the….” She skims her schedule, “is july 18th good?”

Philip nods, and looks to Lukas.

Lukas’s eyes are lit up, “we’ll be able to see the heartbeat that day?”

She takes a sip of her tea, and nods, “sure will.” Ms. Lee smiles, and glances at Philip, “I’m going to prescribe you some vitamins, just to make sure the baby grows nice and healthy.”

Philip smiles back at her, and shyly touches his tummy. He wishes he could feel her or him.

-

Philip’s out, strolling Emma down the corner of Lukas’s street. She googles at all the strangers, and Mrs. Todd from next door gives her a lollipop.

Philip likes it here a lot. It’s nice. All the neighbor’s Philip’s met are friendly. They even greet him every day like he actually lives here.

It’s weird, he feels like he does. Only for the amount of time he’s staying though. Lukas is making him feel odd, weirdly clingy.

Like Philip expects Lukas to do something. Anything.

He feels like since that night in the bedroom something happened. He felt it. Why didn’t Lukas?

Philip wipes his stinging eyes on his sleeve, returning his attention to Emma, who’s attempting to squirm out of the stroller.

“Em, stop it” he scolds, trying to keep her fastened.

“I want out!” She yells, elbowing Philip with her knobby arms.

He relents, rolling his eyes at her pleased expression as she stands on the pavement.

“Don’t go out of my view” Philip warns, pushing the empty stroller beside her now.

She smiles innocently, “I won’t, promise.”

Philip doesn’t believe her. He nods anyways though.

“Let’s go back home Em” he says, turning the stroller around.

“I wanna go to the park!” Emma whines, tugging on the back of his shirt and making it pull.

“No, your dad didn’t say we could go there. Now stop it. We’ll go home and watch some Disney how about that?” Philip tells her, but inside his head he’s just pleading she’ll listen. He has an aching, throbbing headache that won’t let up, and he still feels nauseous from his toast this morning.

“Nooooo” She whines again, crossing her arms and not moving.

“Em, we can watch a horror movie then” he says, just so she’ll listen.

“Okay!” She squeals, her dread for going home now completely vanished.

He sighs, relief filling him.

“Alright now let’s go before the coffee shop thinks we’re loitering” he replies, grabbing her tiny hand in his own.

-

As they near Lukas’s porch Philip hears a loud bang. He lets go of Emma’s hand briefly, and sees a car knocked down one of Lukas’s neighbor’s mailbox.

“What the-“ Philip stops himself, furrowing his eyebrows.

Then, a loud scream.

Philip twists around, that’s Emma’s scream for sure. His body heat dropped now, icy.

She’s sat, holding her bloody knee by Lukas’s stairs.

He rushes through the gate, the iron smacking loudly.

“Emma! Sweetie- are you alright!?” Philip asks hurriedly, leaning down and inspecting the damage. Her knee looks swollen, scraped and bleeding. Philip can’t tell how bad it is, but it’s decently bloody.

She screams and screams and-

It’s so pitchy, and her face is red. Her eyes all puffy, nose snotty. Philip’s heart hurts.

“Daddy! Daddy!” she repetitively screams.

Philip attempts to shush her, “Em can I carry you inside?”

She shakes her head quickly, sobbing profusely, “I want my daddy!”

Philip nods, “I’ll get him, hold on baby” he promises, racing up to the front door. He runs inside, down the hall and knocks quickly on Lukas’s door.

When he isn’t content with waiting he swings open the door, nearing smacking Lukas in the face.

“Shit- I’m sorry” Philip says.

Lukas wrinkles his brows, “What do you want?”

“It’s emma- she’s outside bleeding” Philip admits, his face all flushed.

“What?” Lukas snaps, pushing past him.

“She- she tripped when she was coming up the steps” Philip tries to explain, feeling so stupid.

Lukas swings open the front door, and Philip follows. Lukas perches down at the bottom, looking over Emma’s leg.

“How’d this happen?” Lukas asks, looking up at Philip with icy eyes. “I thought you were watching her” Lukas says accusingly.

Philip wants to die. He voice is weak, on the verge of tears “I- I was its just-“

Lukas shakes his head, and picks Emma up into his arms.

“You should be more careful” Lukas tells him, and Philip feels tears spring to his eyes.

He can’t help it. He’d never liked being yelled at. And especially not by people he cares about.

Philip feels the droplets running hot and fast, painting his cheeks shiny.

Lukas and Emma are in the bathroom. He can hear the faint sound of the sink running from here, and then the retreating footsteps of them returning.

“See you’re alright” Lukas shushes to Emma.

Philip curls up on the couch, feeling petulant.

He hears Lukas’s footsteps still before him, and the weight of the couch sinking beside him.

Emma sniffles, “Phi daddy fixed my boo boo.”

Philip looks up at that, blinking back the tears on his lashes.

“That’s good, sweetie” he murmurs, sitting up.

Lukas is at the archway, arms folded. “Philip come to my office.”

Philip nods weakly, feeling ill as he rolls off the couch, trailing behind Lukas on wobbly legs.

Lukas sits in his office chair. Philip lazily seats himself in the leather chair. His tummy feels queasy.

“I-“ Lukas stops, standing up. Philip heart beat stutters with every step Lukas takes towards him.

Lukas looks taller from Philip sitting down. And up close he looks even more gorgeous. Philip wishes he could kiss his obnoxiously handsome face.

“I’m sorry” Lukas says, head bowing in shame as he adds sincerely “for making you cry.”

Philip’s insides soften. Like liquidy syrup. He feels stupidly flattered.

But then again Lukas yelled at him. He made him cry, and has been ignoring him.

Philip sniffles, jutting out his lip in response.

“Philip…” Lukas whispers, walking slowly towards him. Philip shivers as Lukas gets mere inches from him. His cheeks turning a scarlet as Lukas gently grasps both his elbows. Philip looks down in awe at the feeling, the spike of something inside him just from the pressure of Lukas’s hands. Philip stands up, letting Lukas pull him closer by his elbows.

“I’m sorry” he whispers again, slower, breathier, his face getting close to Philip’s. Once his nose bumps Philip’s, he slides one hand back, resting it on the dip of Philip’s waist. Heat waves trickling up Philip's body at the pleasing contact.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Lukas asks. His voice so smooth, so beautiful that Philip wants to give in. The way Lukas’s eyes are looking through his, all half lidded and pushing, like a spell forcing Philip under.

“No” Philip bites his lip, rocking on his heels like he’s off balance. He feels dizzy, drunk on the look Lukas is giving him.

Lukas’s eyes flicker at his response, and a familiar grin spreads across his face. Philip wants to kiss those pale, pink lips. He wonders what he tastes like.

Lukas touches his chin, the nub of his thumb rubbing along the delicate flesh of Philip’s bottom lip.

Lukas flicks his eyes to his lips, then back up to Philip’s eyes.

“Lovely” Lukas whispers, eyes looking dark now. So intensely focused on the thickness of Philip’s lips.

Philip swallows audibly as Lukas’s gaze downcast, to his lower body. The suddenness of Lukas’s hand grazing the front of his hip, dipping underneath his thin shirt.

“Lukas” he stutters out, goosebumps littering his skin now.

“Shh,” Lukas hums, nose familiarly finding the crook of Philip’s neck. “Can I touch?” he whispers lowly. His blue eyes appear black as they stare back at him.

Philip doesn’t want to speak. He doesn’t want to do anything to ruin the delicacy of this private moment. He wants to let himself enjoy the gentleness of Lukas’s hands on him.

So he nods instead, letting Lukas know it's okay.

Lukas’s palm comes to rest on his belly, softly cupping the silky flesh.

“I wish I could feel her already” Philip admits, gazing warmly at Lukas.

Lukas watches him, his eyes lighting up as his palm glides across the smooth surface of Philip’s belly.

“I think she’s a she too” Lukas smiles, all sacred and affectionate, his other hand coming to cup Philip’s face. “I got really lucky you know… you’re just so damn pretty, and she’ll be too.”

Philip blushes, looking down at Lukas’s hand. Lukas thinks he’s pretty. Lukas thinks he’s beautiful _and_ pretty.

Philip thinks he loves Lukas, and that scares him. The soft touches from Lukas’s hands shouldn’t be making his heart swell, but they do.

Philip can’t stop himself as he clasps his arms around Lukas’s neck, nudging his face closer to Lukas’s.

“You’re so sweet” Philip admits softly. His brown eyes flickering over Lukas’s face in awe.

He eyes Lukas’s gorgeous features in wonder, carefully touching Lukas’s jaw.

“-And handsome…” He takes the initiative, leaning up just slightly on his toes to press his lips to Lukas’s parted ones. He feels Lukas tense against him, before sighing into the kiss. It’s warm, small and sweet. Philip pulls back after a moment of their lips just lingering.

He can see Lukas’s sleepiness written all over him, from the slouch in his shoulders to the bags underneath his pretty eyes.

“You should take a nap, you’ve been working really hard” Philip whispers, rubbing the knots out of Lukas’s shoulders.

Lukas exhales, shaking his head, “maybe in a little bit. I got to finish up on this paper.” Lukas strokes his face one last time, before dropping his hand.

Philip purses his lips, feeling Lukas’s other arm drop from around him. “Alright well… I guess I’ll be out in the living room with Emma” Philip replies, slowly walking to the door.

He shuts it behind himself, wishing to kiss those lips a thousand times more.


	9. Two-gether

Philip thinks about kissing Lukas a lot.

He’d thought about it on repeat since it actually happened. He’d washed his hair that morning thinking about how Lukas’s lips tasted like cigarettes.

Philip wishes he could kiss them again. See if they taste the pancake batter he’d just licked off the spoon.

Philip’s belly rolls at the thought of food, making his throat lurch with the need to vomit. He gags and runs to the sink, puking into it. Thankfully the dishes had been done last night, he thinks weirdly enough. Lukas quirks an eyebrow, resting the spatula on a plate and coming over to run his hand across Philip’s back.

“Any better? Lukas asks, pushing some of Philip’s hair out of the way.

Philip sighs, turning on the sink to run that nasty taste out of his mouth. He leans back after he does and shuts off the tap. He turns to Lukas with a weak expression, bracing himself on Lukas’s sturdy shoulders.

“A little…. I don’t feel too good” he admits, eyes lolling closed and stumbling forward into Lukas’s chest.

Lukas grabs him against himself. “Alright” Lukas whispers, outstretching his arm to temporarily shut off the stove top.

Philip attempts to walk with Lukas guiding him, but Lukas shakes his head.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you” Lukas says, picking him up. Philip feels terrible. His stomach all nauseous and queasy. Lukas’s firm hold on him helps though, relieves some pressure in his head as he carries him. Philip clings to his shoulders, pressing his face into the freshly sprayed part of Lukas’s neck. His cologne vibrant and strong there. All musky like firewood, but in the best possible way.

Lukas sets him down on his bed, Philip’s guest room of course. Philip snuggles into the familiar sheets, eyes falling open in slits when he doesn’t hear Lukas leave.

“Lukas?” Philip whispers, closing his eyes again.

He can hear Lukas was turning to leave, but stops, the slightest sound of his breathe hitching.

“Yeah?” Lukas replies back, voice just as low.

“Can you lay with me for a little bit?” Philip asks. His entire being so hopeful.

Lukas swallows soundly. Philip blinks his eyes open softly, all nestled up in the sheets. “Please?” he adds, lips pushing out in a way they always do when he wants something.

Lukas has a strained expression. Like he’s having an internal battle with himself.

After a moment of nothing, Lukas breathes out “yeah… do you need me to get you a bucket or anything?”

Philip shakes his head. The only thing he wants is Lukas, that’s it.

“Alright” Lukas says, like reassuring himself. Philip feels the bed dip, a physical confirmance that this is really happening. Lukas is getting into bed with him.

Holy fuck

Lukas is just as careful as any other time, slowly crawling along Philip’s body. Up till Philip’s just an inch apart from his body, their faces towards each other.

Philip hides the blushing smile that stretches on his face, burying his lovesick expression into his pillow.

Lukas is so close that he can feel his body heat radiating off of him, and if they were just a tad closer Philip could touch him again. God does he want to.

He cracks his eyes open, seeing Lukas comfortably settling under the sheet, his eyes closed.

“Lukas” Philip whispers.

“What?” Lukas whispers back, not bothering to open his eyes.

“I’m cold” Philip whines. He knows he’s being childish and he couldn’t care less. He’ll give himself this. He’s pregnant _with_ Lukas’s kid. He’s allowed to be whiny.

Lukas shushes him like he would with Emma, and Philip smirks knowing he won as Lukas scooches closer, pulling Philip’s body down further, till Philip’s head is pressed under his chin.

“Better?” Lukas quips, resting his hand atop the fleshy part of Philip’s lower back, right where Philip’s underwear is digging in.

Philip nearly squirms at the contact, so teasingly close and he’s pretty sure Lukas isn’t even doing it on purpose. Just the soft, idle contact of Lukas’s fingers has his body mostly overcoming the nausea with giddiness. He feels warm and sated.

Perfect in Lukas’s arms. This is just as amazing as he’d thought it be. The firm press of Lukas’s torso, all solid and just- _Lukas_. So beautifully Lukas.

Philip closes his eyes, picturing the shape of Lukas’s brow bone, the highness of his cheekbone. He falls asleep with Lukas’s lips pressed against his forehead.

-

He wakes up cold. All alone, disheveled from sleep in his bed.

Philip looks around in confusion, the window from outside letting in darkness. Not the normal springing sun he’s used to.

It must be night. Huh, he’d slept the day away.

He rubs the bleariness from his lids, scooching off the bed.

He tip toes down the hall, careful to avoid the planks of wood that are fairly creaky.

Outside of Lukas’s office, he can clearly see a dim beam of light flooding beneath the slit in the door. He twists the knob slowly, entering the brighter room. Lukas is sat at his desk just like usual. Philip slides in, his bare thighs feeling icy cold in the cool air. He sits down, pressing his hands between his thighs for some warmth.

“Hey Lukas” Philip greets calmly, still trying to wake up fully.

Lukas looks up from his sheet, looking tired like he always does when he’d stayed up too late. But his grin is there, soft and homey.

“Good morning Philip” he replies, flicking his eyes back to what he’s writing.

Philip rolls his eyes, standing up. “Isn’t late or something? You should come back to bed” Philip says, being pestering. He feels like a bored, abandoned puppy.

Lukas chuckles at that, “I thought you needed me because you were sick.”

Philip folds his arms, “I- I’m cold” he pouts, giving Lukas his big eyes.

Lukas snorts, raising a teasing brow “mhm, okay.”

Philip quirks a brow in surprise, “really?”

Lukas stands up, gathering his office supplies together neatly on the desk. He flicks off his emerald green office light, his fingers coming to wrap around Philip’s wrist.

“My bedroom though, I have more sheets” Lukas explains, pulling Philip along with him.

Lukas touches Philip’s side on accident, but looks at him when he does “how do you expect to be warm when you’re almost naked?” Lukas chuckles, quirking his brows amusedly at him.

Philip would roll his eyes if the hall wasn’t too dark to see it. So instead he settles on elbowing Lukas good heartedly instead.

 Lukas opens his door, taking Philip inside the pitch black room. He flicks on a light, setting the level of brightness to dim.

Philip’s first instinct is to crawl into Lukas’s bed. Into the much needed warmth that the pile of sheets on top of it will bring.

“So soft” Philip smiles, stroking the mink blanket as he settles into the sheets.

Lukas is bent over slightly. He rummages around in his wardrobe, pulling out a shirt and tossing it down beside Philip.

Philip grabs it, smoothing down the cotton and holding it by the hem. He begins to pull it over his chilled shoulders. Philip adjusts the shirt down all the way. It rests at the tops of his thighs, being at least a couple sizes larger than what he usually wears.

“So you’re not cold” Lukas says nonchalantly, tugging off his own shirt and throwing it idly next to his bathroom door.

Philip feels heat creep up his spine, tainting his cheeks. He feels like he’s married to Lukas, watching him like this. From his bed, curled up in his sheets, while Lukas undresses. It’s an absolutely amazing feeling and Philip badly wishes it wasn’t.

_He works for Lukas. He works for Lukas. He works for Lukas._

That doesn’t stop Philip from making grabby hands towards him as his lean, long body crawls up the bed.

Philip wants to kiss Lukas’s pecs, the toned parts of his belly, the sharp V line of his hips.

Philip smiles like a pleased wife would as Lukas lies beside him, resting his arm on Philip’s hips.

“That good?” Lukas questions, his breathe warm and humid against Philip’s neck. The tantalizing press of his soft lips to the sensitive skin there.

“Yeah, m’ warm” Philip murmurs, his face mushed against Lukas’s pillow. He inhales deeply, breathing in the lingering smell of Lukas there.

Philip’s never been happier, he’s sure of it. He feels like Lukas’s. In his _bed_. In his _arms_. In his _shirt_. Philip loves it so much. He never wants this feeling to end.

His cheeks keep red and his smile brightens as Lukas glides his palm down to rest on the softness of his belly.

-

Week six rolls around quicker than Philip expected. Philip’s belly is just starting to rise. The slightest bump now. He’s no longer as concave, but now softly swelling.

He stares hard at it in the mirror, adjusting his sweat pants around his waist. Just in thirty minutes he’ll be at the doctors, seeing the ultrasound of his tiny sweet pea in there.

He pulls on a plain white t shirt, and exits his bedroom. He goes to the kitchen, spotting Lukas feeding Emma.

He yawns, stretching his arms above his head. Emma smiles toothily as soon as she sees him, squealing “Phi!” loudly.

He covers his ears, cringing at the loudness, “jeez Em, it’s seven am” he mutters, lifting her from Lukas’s arms.

“Sowy” she plays, sticking out her tongue.

He chuckles, scooping a spoonful of her cereal into her willing mouth.

“Chew” he mutters when she leaves a little bit on her lips.

Lukas brushes past him, sending him a knowing grin.

-

He beams as Ms. Lee enters the room, this time he got a more medically equipped room. Set up with the ultrasound machine and dimmed lights.

He sits back slightly, resting on his elbows as she sits down, rolling her backless desk chair over towards him. His tummy has nervous butterflies in it from excitement. He can’t wait to see her, even if it’s just the heartbeat.

Lukas looks just as excited. He’s bouncing Emma in his lap, all strung up from waiting to see _their_ baby in Philip’s belly.

 _Lukas’s_ baby, he makes sure to clarify, but it stings that way.

Lukas sends him a warm, reassuring look. Philip exhales, smiling softly at him and Emma.

Ms. Lee pulls on the standard blue gloves, making the rubber squelch at it stretches around her hand snugly. She grabs a gel looking bottle, sidling up to the table Philip’s on.

“Okay Philip, I’m going to have you lift up your gown so we can see how the baby’s doing” she tells him, flicking up the power on her machine.

Thankfully he’d worn his underwear underneath, he thinks silently to himself as he slides up the thin paper, revealing his bare tummy to the air.

She smiles, “you’re showing just a tad.”

Lukas seems to perk up at this information. Philip can see him peering over at the corner of his eye.

“This’ll be cold, just forewarning you” she mutters, uncapping the gel bottle and squirting an icy cold gob onto Philip’s belly.

“That’s super cold” he hisses, just on the edge of his teeth chattering, jesus.

She chuckles, grabbing the ultrasound wand. He watches the screen completely silently, heart in his throat as she presses the wand down on his belly. The screen lights up with a picture, greyish pixels of his insides. Its super weird looking, hard to make anything out of it.

“Hmm…” she tsks, pressing down on one spot as she watches the picture get clearer.

“Well- that’s odd” she says, squinting.

Philip’s veins go icy with worry immediately, “what?”

She hums to herself, feeling around, “nothing it’s just- I thought you were carrying one. You have two fetal heartbeats showing on the monitor” she tells him.

His ears seem to be ringing at the news, and he can vaguely hear Lukas sputter.

“I’m pregnant with twins?” he asks dumbly, eyes widening.

Ms. Lee purses her lips, nodding.

Philip flops his head back down. Not one, but two babies inside him now. It’s even more surreal.

He feels the faint pressure of someone cupping his knee, Lukas, he sees as he glances down.

“Philip it’ll be fine- it’s fine. I promise” Lukas assures him sincerely. A smile spreading across his face as he turns to Emma, “Em, you’re going to have two more siblings, can you believe it?”

She jumps off the chair she was sitting in, “really?!” she asks excitedly. Her lashy blue eyes comically huge.

Lukas chuckles, “mhm” and places a peck on her head.


	10. Crave

Philip’s sat on the couch. Him and Emma watching some dog movie on Disney, nothing Philip’s too interested in.

He rests his palms on the rise of his 8th week sized belly. He’s somewhat protruding now, his belly a soft slope, poking out about a half of an inch.

It’s special. The little growing angels beneath the skin there are so delicate. Philip can’t wait to meet them.

He feels odd though. Weirdly stuck. Philip might be getting paid to this, but he still wants his mom to be able to meet his kids. He’s doing the one thing he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do.

_Getting attached_

He’s overly attached. He loves his babies with every ounce of his being and he hasn’t even really seen them yet. Philip never had thought he’d feel this way, but here he is.

He needs to talk to Lukas. The anxiety inside clawing out.

“I’ll be right back” he tells Emma, exiting quickly.

He strides over to Lukas’s bedroom, he’d slept in today. Philip reaches his hand up, knocking softly.

“Come in” he hears after a moment, Philip cracks the door, entering.

Lukas is lying in his bed. Book in hand and hair sleep ridden. Philip thinks he looks absolutely breath taking, (more like he wants to climb him, but whatever.)

Philip shifts awkwardly, “I uh…. Came here to talk about the…. _Our_ babies.”

Lukas gives him a questionable look, “okay?” he asks unsurely, nodding for Philip to come over.

Philip inhales, slowing his steps towards Lukas. He clasps his hands together, sitting on the edge of the bed. Down by Lukas’s toes.

He twitches his fingers nervously, clearing his throat. “I wanna know if I’ll be able to.. y’know.. see the babies after they’re born” he whispers, eyes on the floor.

Lukas doesn’t respond. But he feels the bed dip, coming close to him. Lukas surprises him by plastering his body to Philip’s back, “Of course” Lukas says, raising a brow. “What made you think you couldn’t?”

Philip sighs, running a hand though his hair, “I don’t know, I just worry a lot” he admits, looking into Lukas’s eyes.

Lukas rests his chin on Philip’s shoulder, and snakes his hand to Philip’s front. Palming the small swell of his belly.

“I can’t wait to see them” Lukas whispers, his nose brushing Philip’s neck.

Philip’s breathing quickens, he tentatively rests his palm on top of Lukas’s, feeling the press of his fingers.

“Me too” Philip agrees, resting his head against Lukas’s.

-

Philip wakes up the next morning alone in Lukas’s bed, his body still tucked in the sheets with an empty spot beside him. He pouts to himself, wishing Lukas was still there beside him.

“Lukas!” he calls, but the tiredness in his voice makes him sound whiney, he thinks.

He doesn’t hear anything for a minute. So he tries again, this time slightly louder “Lukasss!”

Seconds later he pleasingly hears oncoming footsteps, Philip smiles, resting his cheek back against the pillow.

Lukas opens the door just seconds later. He’s still in what he’d slept in, just boxers. “What?” Lukas asks, leaning his hip on the doorframe.

Philip sits up on his elbows, pushing his bottom lip out further, “come back to bed with me” he whines, opening the sheet in invitation.

Lukas chuckles, pushing back his long strands absentmindedly, “I just got up.”

Philip grumbles, rolling his eyes and plopping backwards. The bed is warm. The blankets all heated from his body temperature, but that doesn’t stop his internal want for Lukas. Not at all.

“God..” he can hear Lukas whisper, “you’re so needy” Lukas chuckles.

Philip grins to himself at Lukas’s words. He curls his hands around belly, feeling the roundness starting there. He swears he can tell a difference every day. Then again, he’s carrying twins. He glances at the corner of his eye at Lukas, who’s now dipping the bottom of the bed.

“Wow” Lukas whispers, eyes widening slightly.

Philip quirks a brow at Lukas’s awed expression and pushes himself up on his elbows. “What?” he smiles tiredly, outreaching his hand to grab Lukas’s arm.

Lukas lies down facing Philip, pulling Philip closer till their bellies are pressing up against each other’s. “Nothing.. it’s just, you’re showing a lot more now” Lukas smiles, snaking a hand downwards to palm Philip’s belly.

Philip nods, blushing. He’s already embarrassingly fond. Lukas lips are just mere inches from Philip’s. So goddamn close. Philip craves the feeling of them, the soft way their lips had been pressed together before. He wonders if Lukas would kiss back wetter this time. Maybe let Philip taste his tongue. Philip doesn’t initiate though, he wants Lukas to do that.

Philip hears a buzzing against his end table. He makes a face to Lukas, ‘let me check that’ type of one. Pulling away, he sits up, taking his phone into his lap.

He’s got three texts. Two from his Tommy, one from his mom.

He doesn’t bother reading the ones from Tommy. Even though he and Lukas aren’t anything (obviously), he stills feels weird. He wants there to be something so bad with Lukas. He wants this to be more than a babysitter or surrogate. Philip wants Lukas to want him, for him. Not just want him around because Philip’s carrying his babies and because he helps out.

He constantly wonders what it means to Lukas. Their cuddles, that one kiss. Lukas doesn’t mention it. So Philip doesn’t ask. He worries that if he did that Lukas would pull back. Lukas would know that Philip wants him. Philip doesn’t know what he would do if he got a verbal confirmation that Lukas doesn’t want him.

Philip clicks on his mom’s, seeing her text.

‘ _Miss you love’_ with a sad emoji.

Philip taps back a reply, the text making him feel guilty. He hasn’t seen her in about two weeks.

‘Sorry mommy, you should visit me. I miss you too.’ He sends back, staring at the screen sadly.

“What’s up?” Lukas asks, and Philip can hear the worry evident in his voice. It makes his heart tingle.

Philip glances back over his shoulder. “It’s nothing just… would you mind my mom coming to visit?”

Lukas blinks, cracking a smile. “Of course not, I love to meet her” he says sincerely, pulling the blanket up his chest.

Philip nods, beaming on the inside and out. He pulls up his slipping socks and slides back in bed with Lukas. He makes sure to plaster his body completely to Lukas’s, feeling warm and pleased. Lukas feels amazing. So intoxicating, Philip loves the scent of his skin. That cool earthy cologne he uses. He loves the slight hardness of his abs, and especially the gentleness of his embrace.

_Philip scares himself sometimes with how much he wants Lukas._

-

Philip bounces Emma on his hip, singing idly as he stirs the pot of noodles. Lukas is in the bathroom showering.

Philip smiles as Emma pinches his nose playfully, and sticks out his tongue.

He places her down, letting her run off into the living room. The noodles taste done when he tries them, just the right tenderness to them. He flicks off the heat, taking them to the sink to drain them.

The bathroom door distinctly clicks open. Philip doesn’t turn around as Lukas approaches, he smiles knowingly to himself instead.

“Hey” Lukas says casually, drying off his long, pretty hair.

Philip looks at him, curling his lips into a beaming grin, “Hey, spaghetti’s done” he replies.

Lukas nods, grazing Philip’s shoulder with his fingertips, the pads that perfectly rough enough to send goosebumps rising.

“Thanks Philip” Lukas says, eyes vividly sincere.

Philip swallows, the stare intense, “my uh- moms going to be here any minute” he tells him distractedly.

Lukas’s eyes flicker over his, he grins, “I better go wipe the gravy off of Emma’s lip before she gets here.”

Philip chuckles, turning on the sink to dampen a napkin for him. “Here you go” he hands him it, cheeks tinging pink when he feels Lukas totally graze his fingers on purpose.

Lukas quirks a brow. An unreadable yet somewhat amused expression on his face. He lets it go without saying anything though, turning around and exiting into the living room.

-

He gets excitement bubbling under his skin the second he hears the sound of the wood being knocked on. He jumps up from the couch, jogging to the door happily.

He swings it open, revealing his mom as expected. He throws his arms around her. “Hey” he whispers, grinning big into her hair.

“Hey sweetheart” she murmurs, kissing his cheek with a happy expression. Her smile toothy, her eyes crinkled and big.

Philip heart triples in size, he touches her cheek, “you look great mom” he smiles. Because she does. A healthy glow tinging her cheeks and nose, she even looks like she might’ve gained some weight.

She flicks his arm, laughing, “stop acting like you haven’t seen me for over a week.”

He grins, pulling her inside. She follows, her face spreading into a motherly smile as she sees Emma perched on the couch.

“Hey Emma, Philip told me all about you” she says excitedly to her, sitting down beside her.

Emma blinks up at her, and sits up on her knees, “really?”

Philip plops down beside them, and nudges Emma in her side gently. “This is my mom, Em” he explains, fiddling with the remote.

Emma smiles, looking back at Anne with big eyes, “you’re pretty” she says, voice slow like she’s amazed.

Anne coos at that, her eyes lighting up “awe, really? Thank you sweetie” she blushes, playfully pinching Emma’s cheek.

Lukas descends past the archway unexpectedly, Philip’s cheeks heat up.

“Hello” Lukas grins, that stupid charming one that makes anyone fall head over heels. He even takes Anne’s hand in his, shaking it with a fond expression.

“Nice to meet you” Anne grins back, and Philip swears he can see her expression change. Like she gets just how gorgeous Lukas is like Philip does. (Not in a flirty way of course, just noticing.)

Lukas adjusts the sleeves on his shirt, rucking them to his elbows. Philip doesn’t breathe when Lukas rests his bare forearm on his thigh, that sliver of pale flesh searing hot against the surface of his skin.

“Philip’s great, amazing, really” Lukas smiles, and Philip doesn’t pay attention. It’s more tuned out. He’s focused on the way Lukas’s fingers hold his thigh, applying just enough pressure for his skin to dip under Lukas’s fingertips. Lukas laughs about something Anne says, a deep, throaty laugh that’s so genuinely perfect. Philip watches in amazement at every movement Lukas’s body makes. Like him normally functioning is a work of art.

Philip bites his lip, wishing for the picture perfect family belayed out before him.

Anne looks at Philip, her eyebrow lifting curiously, “you’re showing?”

Philip’s face feels hotter, he feels fond, “yeah” he smiles bashfully.

She leans towards him, waiting idly for his permission “can I see?”

Philip chuckles, “of course mom” he replies, sliding up the bottom hem of his shirt. If he wasn’t pregnant he’d look bloated, because that’s the size he’s currently at. All protruding no more than an inch, but it’s still the whole world to Philip.

“Wow,” she beams, flicking her eyes up from his face and down to his belly repeatedly, like she can’t decide whether to give him an amazed expression or ‘awe’ at his tummy.

Philip finds it absolutely adorable. He smiles to Lukas warmly, leaning slightly onto his shoulder.

She touches his belly very slowly, like he’s overly delicate at such a small stage. It’s heartwarming though, Philip eyes glimmer with happy tears watching her be so tentative.

“I’m so proud of you baby,” she exhales, wiping her eyes with a sheepish smile. “I can’t believe you have two little buns in there” she adds, and Philip blushes at her compliments shyly.

Philip wraps an arm around her shoulders, pressing a tender kiss to her cheek “I love you mom” he whispers, heart pulling strongly at just how much he means them.

-

He feels weird, for one.

He’s twisting around in bed alone, desperately trying to get comfortable. It’s getting decently late and he’s just trying to get some sleep.

His body’s not cooperating though, and neither is his brain. All clogged up, focusing on something he’s been trying so hard not to think of.

Lukas naked. _Them_ naked, skin on skin. Lukas inside him.

He wants to do it again.

He’d loved it. He had loved the way Lukas looked at him, touched him so sensually.

The tender words that fell from Lukas’s lips.

He wants it different though. He doesn’t want it careful, or wary like Lukas had been. He wants all that Lukas can give him.

_His lust. Hunger. To be craved._

Not methodical, not for purpose. Just for the sake of lovemaking, completely raw and in touch with only each other’s bodies.

Philip ignores the want that he feels and tugs his blanket up higher, closing his eyes. He presses up against the pillow behind him, wishing it was more of a familiar solid.

_Blackness. Fading into warm, yellowy golden light._

_He feels hot. Body strung tight. Like a wire pulled to its breaking point._

_He snaps, a cascading moan comes echoing up his throat from the sweet surprise of Lukas. Lukas there, in between his legs, head low, kissing wetly along the inner parts of his thighs. Where the skin is soft and delicate. Like paper, ivory in all its frail glory._

_Philip hisses on a whine as Lukas takes him into his mouth, the curve of his cock sliding deep, deep into that warm, wet throat. Lukas is gorgeous like this. Like always but more feral. A hungriness about him that craves._

_Philip is keen to give it all to him, holding his thighs up and open, dangling them in the air. It’s a vulnerable position, him held open, the peachy parts of him getting cool in the air._

_Lukas sucks him down like it’s the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted, pulling off at times to mouth wetly at his balls. Pink soft lips with just the right amount of stubble to give a little burn, Philip likes the rough drag of it against his flesh._

_Lukas pulls off, fisting the base tightly. He mouths lower now, his searching tongue lapping at the underside of his balls, then down to the pale pink flesh right before his hole._

_Stopping temporarily, Lukas bites his cheek teasingly, “gonna let me lick you out?”_

_Philip’s breathe hitches, thighs shaking as he cums embarrassingly fast. He whimpers, hot hot hot heat jolting in his belly._

Philip doesn’t blink twice before he’s bathed back in the disappointing reality of his own actual bedroom. He looks around, heart pumping fast, hair sweaty and matted to his forehead. His thighs all hot and sticky, so _gross_.

He sighs, lifting his bottom half off the bed so he can slide off his dirty underwear. He throws them down on the floor, and covers his blanket over his head.

Hormones, he thinks.


	11. Sacred truths

Philip wakes up in the dead of the AM’s, he’s unusually restless. He huffs as he rolls over uncomfortably for the fifth time. He feels around for something to comfort him, his pillow, though it’s not as warm and real as he’d like.

He slides his legs over the side of his bed and goes over to his wardrobe, digging around for underwear to wear. Philip pulls his favorite pair on. They’re loose and red, so comfy yet still attractive. He ties the waistband strings loosely, his belly is now protruding, making all his clothes a smidge tighter now. He stares down at it, seeing the roundness look emphasized by the slight dig of his underwear.

Philip blushes, smiling giddy and sacred to himself. He feels so bubbly every time he thinks of them. He cups his belly with one hand, using the other to reach for his phone.

He flicks through his apps, pressing down on the camera one. Letting his phone focus, he snaps a picture. Proudly sending it to his mom through text.

‘ _Getting bigger’_ he writes, adding a heart.

-

Only a week later and he’s ten weeks now, on the dot. He’s bulging for sure now, he thinks, looking hard into the mirror. The size of his belly no longer passable as just pudge, but clearly pregnancy. Oddly enough Philip likes it. He likes the attention it now gives him, when he’s walking Emma around or going out for coffee he’ll receive looks from strangers. Most of them annoying and invasive, but he likes the ones from other parents, mothers especially. They send him warm smiles, and Philip feels comfortable around people he can relate to.

Philip likes it here a lot. He loves Emma and Lukas. He loves Lukas’s house, it's nerve racking that it feels like a place to land, like it could be _home_.

Philip sucks on his bottom lip idly, and grabs the biggest shirt he owns, pulling it over him. It’s soft, thin material that hangs off him like a dress, but its morning and Philip honestly couldn’t care less.

He tiptoes out of him room, down to creep into Lukas’s. Philip twists the knob tentatively, being quieter than a mouse as he slides inside.

Lukas is asleep like an angel. Philip thinks he looks like art. Something about him has something inside Philip wanting to worship him, get down on his knees and pray like Lukas is a god. He sure looks like one.

Philip blushes, feeling shy to wake him. He slowly dips the bed, being carefully precise with his movements.

Lukas is lying on his back, shirtless with his arm rested casually above his head. Philip swallows, and even that is loud in the air.

The bed creaks a little as Philip lifts his thigh up, sliding it over Lukas’s hip. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, can’t process it till he’s sat on Lukas’s lap, carefully resting his palms on the plains of Lukas’s chest. Lukas breathes hitch audibly at the disruption, and his eyelashes twitch.

Philip’s throat closes up, his heart thumping erratically against his ribs. He gently palms Lukas’s ribs, his pecs, Philip’s mouth lax in an addicted type of way, like he can’t get enough of everything Lukas.

Lukas inhales, his crystal blue eyes fluttering open. They’re slightly puffy from sleep, Philip thinks it’s incredibly attractive. He loves mornings with Lukas. It makes him feel so domestic with him, like they really are together, something, anything.

“What are y’ doing” Lukas mutters sleepily, and Philip sits up slightly more when Lukas’s finger brushes his thigh.

Philip keeps his eyes on Lukas’s pale chest, blushing with a shy smile. “Sorry for waking you up…” he pouts petulantly. He blushes, finding it in himself to blink up at Lukas, sure to give him his pretty long lashes.

“And I’m ten weeks today,” he smirks, happily flicking his gaze down to his rounded tummy.

Lukas palms his thighs, and Philip feels them shake underneath his hands. “Let me see?” Lukas smiles tiredly, soft and genuine.

Philip nods shakily, fingers snaking down to flicker upon his hips, twisting the fabric between his fingers and pulling it up and off. Lukas’s eyes downcast from his face and his hands leave his hips, coming to rest on his belly instead.

“So amazing..” Lukas whispers, proud toned, his large hands sliding over Philip’s belly in a hypnotizing, weirdly pleasurable way. The sweet touch electrifying enough to make Philip squirm on his lap, not knowing whether to get away from the overwhelming sensation or drown in it.

Lukas seems to notice, his frosty orbs flittering over his features in something unreadable.

Philip braces his arms beside Lukas’s head, his belly filled with a static.

Lukas touches him, his chin, his eyes softening in way Philip never seen them. The softest they’d ever been it seems.

_Maybe._

“Thank you Philip” Lukas whispers. Philip’s heart hurts.

Philip pulls a smile, feeling displaced, wanting more.

_Always._

“For what?” Philip says, the question scary, the answer he’s expecting even scarier.

“Giving me this, carrying my two beautiful babies” Lukas whispers, touching him, so gentle.

_Loving._

Philip can’t take it.

His eyes spring a leak, and he closes them, his face reddening with the influx of emotion.

“Philip?” Lukas asks, voice wary as he grips Philip’s wrists, pulling him slightly towards him.

Philip opens his glossy eyes, wiping them with the back of his forearm. “I’m sorry, it’s stupid.”

Lukas sits up, and wraps his arm around Philip’s waist to secure him as he tilts back. “Philip, tell me” he says, but the spell Philip’s under makes it an order. Honesty come to his mind first with Lukas usually, it’s weird and new for him.

“I… I want them to be ours.. I mean, I know they’ll be yours with the guardian ship mostly but-“ he swallows down the swell of nervousness in him, adding “I really want to have some parental rights too.”

 _He really wants to raise them with Lukas._ Is what he says silently.

Lukas furrows his eyebrows. Philips gut sinks instantly. He closes his arms around his bare middle anxiously.

“Sweetie,” Lukas whispers, his tone undetectable. Philip feels vulnerable on his lap. Cold and frail in the air conditioned air.

“Philip,” Lukas says more sternly when Philip doesn’t budge, so he relents, pouting at Lukas without doing it purposely.

“Of course you can,” he reassures softly, caressing Philip’s chin, “didn’t you read the contract? You can visit them at any time.”

“And,” Lukas says, face turning seriously, “you can live here for as long as you want.”

Philip bites his lip, relief flooding him. He wishes he didn’t overthink so much.

A smile spreads across his face, bashful and real, “sorry, I guess I’ve just been overthinking, or it’s just my hormones getting to me” he laughs, feeling sure enough to lie down on Lukas’s chest. His cheek relaxed against the undeniably real warmth that’s _sweet sweet_ Lukas.

Philip heart swells when Lukas clasps his hands behind Philip’s back, snuggling up further into his chest.

“Lukas” he whispers, voice muffled from his cheek being mushed against Lukas’s skin.

“Hm?” Lukas hums, and Philip doesn’t have to look to know that his eyes are closed.

What are we? Philip thinks, but doesn’t say. He doesn’t have a right to. They only kissed once.

The cuddling is something unexplainable. Philip is so confused on how to view it because Lukas doesn’t says anything. Philip doesn’t feel like it’s his place.

But he doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to stay quiet. He’s a leaky faucet right now, readying itself to burst. He inhales, keeping his voice locked tight.

So Philip doesn’t answer him, and instead he makes sure to appreciate the warmth he worries is temporary.

-

The first thing he sees when he wakes up is amethyst eyes, soft, warm yet cool toned gaze, delivered by no one other than Lukas.

Lukas had been watching him sleep. Lukas had been watching him sleep _and_ stroking his hair.

Philip’s dignity shreds with each flicker of Lukas’s eyes. He doesn’t have much left to be accurate.

“Morning” Philip grins, ducking his heating cheeks underneath Lukas’s thick blanket.

Lukas smirks, a knowing expression on his face as he rests his chin on his elbow, “you know you look completely adorable when you sleep?” Lukas winks playfully.

Philip snorts, burying his face in the sheets.

“Come on, it’s true” Lukas says, and Philip can hear the grin plastered on his face. He then feels the dip of the mattress, Lukas climbing on him.

“Lukas” he laughs, staying hid under the blanket.

Lukas tugs the blanket playfully off of him, wrestling him in the most delicate way that is leaves Philip panting and blushing at the same time, when Lukas finally gets his face revealed. The closeness surprisingly, definitely accidental, he can tell by the surprised, almost shocked expression on Lukas’s face as his orbs stare through his, deep and searching.

The flicker of them, down to his lips. Philip sees it all too clearly. The wonderment on Lukas’s gorgeous face. How pink and plush his lips are, he wonders if Lukas likes his.

The awed expression is there, just enough that Philip rests an inviting hand on the nape of Lukas’s neck, a slight pressure saying a quiet ‘go ahead.’

Philip’s eyes widen dumbly in surprise when Lukas actually does. Their lips meet dryly, just a firm press of the lips at first. Then after a sigh, a tiny breathe against his lips, Lukas opens up, his tongue prompting access into Philip’s. Philip gives in easily, he’s fucking starving. He slides his tongue against Lukas’s so eagerly, so needy, he wants to ingrain the taste of Lukas’s tooth paste into his memory. Remember the perfect way Lukas is gripping his jaw, and the press of his nose against Philip’s.

Lukas breaks it temporarily, his breathing rushed and husky before he dives back in, attacking Philip’s mouth in a hot, wet sloppy kiss. Till they break apart, leaving Philip’s whole mouth puffy and damp.

“Fuck” Philip whispers breathily as they look at each other, his eyes big and aware, this is fucking happening.

Lukas _is_ happening.

Lukas smiles, that pleased, flirty smile. “You taste good” he whispers idly, rubbing Philip’s bottom lip sensually.

Philip looks away, face turning red. He’s disappointedly hungry, he’d be perfectly happy with lying in bed all day with Lukas if he wasn’t.

Pushing out his lip, he glances up at Lukas with big eyes, “you should make me food” he whines. Lukas grins at his whining, pecking his lips again quickly. “Alright” he chuckles, getting up. Philip misses him and his heat instantly.

Lukas opens the door to leave, chiding a fond “so needy” as he descends.

Philip beams like a teenage girl would when he’s left alone. His heart swimming in his feelings. He feels ecstatic.

Lukas made out with him, he had even initiated it. Philip’s mind is pleasingly filled with only positives, and he bathes in the sweetness of it.

He slides a hand down to his tummy, feeling him and Lukas’s two babies inside there.

_Perfecto’, he thinks._

_-_

He’s stirring Emma’s hot soup, making sure all the liquid is even temperature. He carefully takes it out into the living room, handing it slowly to her eagers hands.

“Careful baby, it’s really hot” he warns, and she makes a face as she takes it.

“Ow” she whines, placing it down on the end table to suck on her thumb.

Lukas grabs her hand, pulling it from her lips to investigate for any burns, “are you okay Em?”

She nods, pouting like Philip does. “It just hurt daddy” she says, taking a spoonful of tomato soup into her mouth.

“The soup good baby?” Philip asks curiously, stroking her arm.

She nods, not looking at him but at the tv. “mhmm, Phi can you get me the mote?”

Philip brushes her hand, and gets off the couch. He takes it from the lone leather seat, returning to Emma quickly.

She takes it eagerly, pressing buttons till she hits the right one to flip to Disney or cartoon network.

Just as Philip’s about to sit down arms come caging around his waist, Lukas’s fingers threading in his shirt, pulling him back into his lap. Philip stops breathing for a moment, letting himself adjust to the firm press of Lukas’s front, the bulge Philip feels so vividly clear beneath his ass.

Fuck, he could write in gold how it feels.

Lukas doesn’t say anything, but keeps his toned arms around his middle, all tight like he really likes holding Philip.

Philip swears he feels Lukas shift, the press of him under his jeans even closer now. Philip is now certain it isn’t accidental.

_Fuck._

The firming outline of Lukas just proves to Philip that Lukas fucking wants him. Lukas does-

He does.

Philip repeats it over and over to himself in his head till it’s ingrained, and he has a little bit of reassurance that he can dip his fingers into the water. Maybe to push, or to test.

“We should uh-“ he nudges Lukas by the chest slightly, fidgeting his thighs over Lukas’s lap. “We should go to the bedroom” Philip tells him breathily, his lunges panging with the need to breathe.

Lukas swallows audibly, and Philip glances back in time to see the bob of his throat. The rapid nod of his head.

Lukas helps him off his lap even though it’s unneeded, Philip can stand just fine (thank you.) Philip doesn’t breathe as they trail down the hall, the click of the door like the snap of him holding back. He doesn’t care anymore, he’ll give himself this.

Lukas seems more idle, though, looking between them rapidly, eyes glazed in a lustful, but unsure way. He stands immobile for a long moment, watching Philip with his eyes as he sits carefully down on the edge of Lukas’s bed.

“Lukas,” Philip finally says, breaking the airs unlikable silence.

“Please” He whispers, a plead, his eyes big as he stares up at Lukas, tentatively lying back on the bed.

Lukas hesitates for seconds, and then starts to come, surprisingly.

Philip exhales with relief as the bed dips, Lukas’s weight applying to the soft cushion. A tender hand coming to cup his cheek, and the pressure of his body pressing into Philip’s side.

Philip can smell the new cologne he used. Pure fresh water. Philip’s drowning.

Lukas watches him intently, Philip bites his lip.

“You’re not going to do anything, are you?” Philip asks, closing his eyes in defeat.

Lukas swallows audibly, his breathe uneven, “I don’t know what to do.”

Philip opens them, furrowing his brows deeply. “What do you mean?” he counters, locking eyes with Lukas.

Lukas touches his waist, the dry pads of his fingertips scratching Philip’s exposed, thin skin. Philip tries not to whimper.

“You-“ Lukas shakes his head, like he’s saying something stupid, or just something he’s embarrassed about.

“Tell me” Philip pleads, a breathy push. His eyelashes batting in way that beg ‘please give in, please give in.’

Lukas finally looks at him again, his face strained, like he’s being tortured nonvisibly.

“You really…” Lukas starts, trailing off as his eyes focus down on Philip, his eyes, probably watching the neediness in them.

Lukas dives down, and Philip shuts his lids quickly, expecting a kiss. It never comes. He opens them again, heart in his throat when he sees Lukas just a nose brush away. He cups Philip’s jaw, nudging his head upwards to expose his neck. Lukas takes the access, brushing his nose along the crevice of Philip’s neck, his lips damply mouthing it unexpectedly. Philip whines softly, his own hand coming to rest in Lukas’s strands, rubbing his scalp tenderly.

“You make me feel so fucking stupid” Lukas admits, a dry chuckle, like Lukas knows the feeling all too well, leaving Philip not knowing what to think about it.

“What?” he mutters, shivers rushing up his spine.

Lukas pulls back slightly, looking away in thought. “You confuse the fuck out of me. I mean like… I don’t even know what to do around you sometimes.”

 Philip doesn’t get it. Not at all. This is how Philip feels, not Lukas. What the fuck.

“What are you saying?” Philip presses. His chocolate orbs flickering over Lukas’s face in an attempt at reading him. He grabs onto Lukas’s elbows for something to anchor him down, tracing his fingernails up the toned curve of Lukas’s forearm.

“I’m saying that you make me feel like, like I can’t find the words to describe you, or even talk to you, _fuck_ ” he groans, looking away again.

This is it. The delicate thing between them being strangled, he feels like his hands are around Lukas’s throat the way he looks so goddamn conflicted.

“Luk-“

“No-“ Lukas interjects, stopping him before he starts, shushing him with a feral, rough kiss.

“Just shut up, just shut up, please” Lukas begs. Philip nods rapidly, willing to do anything to keep those words water falling honesty from his lips.

Lukas palms his face, like he’ll get the answer he’s looking for from it. Philip feel small, vulnerable under the dark look Lukas is sending him, studying his lashes, nose and lips, clearly.

“Shit, you are amazing” Lukas whispers, like Philip’s is some type of masterpiece to be valued.

Philip lets his mouth fall open, a silent prayer echoing throughout his mind, ‘ _keep talking._ ’

_Philip wants Lukas to unzip his skin, flay himself till Philip sees only his truth, and nothing but._

“You’re perfect, and it kills me” Lukas husks, biting him. The latch of teeth on his soft skin has him jolting against Lukas.

_Perfect. The one thing he’s not, Lukas thinks he is. Philip is beaming inside. The sun feels to be radiating from the inside of his soul, casting light and auras, sun hot heat igniting fire, intensify in warmth till the flame turns blue._

Philip chokes on air, and Lukas’s fingers dance on his throat.

“You’re so-so perfect” Lukas repeats, kissing him hungrily, like it’s the only thing that’ll keep him alive.

Philip thinks his own heart would stop beating if Lukas left him like this, if he dared to pull away.

Lukas doesn’t, he slides down Philip slightly, nosing at his jawline, his wild hands roaming, touching like Philip only saw before in his dreams.

Philip’s eyes catch on his, and Lukas surprises him by sliding his hand to the sensitive swell of his belly, his amethyst orbs catching with something.

“I really think I—“ he stops, Philip’s heart wilts a little.

Philip licks his own dry lips, swallowing, “Lukas, it’s okay, I understand.”

Lukas nods weakly, his lips pulled thin. He sits back slightly, and runs nervous, skittery writer hands through his lengthy locks.

“I’ve never felt like this before” Lukas admits, like it’s a mistake.

Chill rises on Philip’s glowing skin. Philip reaches desperately for him, stroking his hair, forearms, shoulders, anywhere to soothe him.

“It means something” Philip reassures. His brown eyes hazy, fogged. _He wants and wants-_

Lukas sighs, “My dad wouldn’t want this” Lukas says, waving between them.

That’s the first Philip heard Lukas mention his dad being homophobic, but it doesn’t matter, it shouldn’t. “Who cares? You’re grown enough to not worry about what your parents think” Philip counters, feeling the threads pulling.

“My dad doesn’t even know that Emma’s mom was a guy” Lukas hisses back annoyedly, pinching his nose bridge.

 Philip bites his lip, nose flaring. “So what are you saying? You can kiss and cuddle me and it isn’t gay? It doesn’t mean anything?”

Lukas stares down hard at him, his shoulders tensing, “you don’t fucking know everything.”

Philip laughs, fake and dry, but he feels like crying, “You’re an asshole, why am I not surprised?” Philip says, rubbing his leaky eyes as he gets off the bed.

“Philip-“ Lukas calls, Philip shakes his head. Lukas’s words are already out, left hanging rough in the air.

-

Philip collapses in a pile of limbs on his bed, sobbing profusely. The stress from Lukas and his hormones taking a toll on him.

He wipes his wet, reddened face onto his pillow, sniffling against it as he cups his belly.

He doesn’t deserve this shit. Their babies don’t deserve this shit.

Philip gets a idea. It sounds stupid, and not something he’s really interested in, but if it’ll take his mind off Lukas-

He picks up his phone, clicking ‘ _Tommy_.’

‘ _Hey <3, you should come see me this weekend._’


	12. Strawberry

A perfect dollop of strawberry syrup plops into the cream white of milk. Philip stirs it in, till the milk turns bubblegum pink. He twists around, taking a step whilst looking down at the glass, making sure it doesn’t splash over the edge. He runs into something sturdy, tall, _Lukas_.

Emma’s milk goes splattering all over his chest, soaking the white t shirt he’s wearing.

Philip’s mouth drops, “sorry-” he apologizes quickly, running to the sink.

Lukas looks down at himself, seeing the pink soak into the white. “It’s fine- I’ll just have to wash it” he tells him instead, tugging it off quickly while Philip dampens a rag.

“Here,” Philip mutters, biting his lip as he tentatively wipes Lukas’s chest with the rag. The intensity he’s staring at Lukas’s chest makes him feel hot all over, a blush spreading like a rivers current down his chest.

Lukas keeps still, when Philip finishes he smile softly, “thanks.”

Philip tries to remember he’s mad at him.

Philip nods casually, it’s fake of course. He’d kiss Lukas stupid right now if Lukas would just decide.

Instead of giving in to the entrapment of Lukas’s gaze he turns away in defiance, shaking his hips just to play the game Lukas is forcing him to. If Lukas isn’t sure then he’ll make him sure, and if Lukas doesn’t want him than he isn’t worth it.

Philip exhales, thumping his head against his bedroom door when he closes it. He pats down his thigh for the familiar bump of his phone, finding it immediately in the front left pocket.

Tommy.

_‘Where can I see u at?’_

Philip flushes, heart thumping as he types in Lukas’s address. He’s got that anxiety itch under his skin, like a forewarning before a tornado.

_Bad decision_

Philip sends it, smiling proudly to himself that he actually went through with it.

-

Lukas stays mostly in his office all weekend, leaving Philip to watching Emma by himself mostly. His hormones are up and down, driving him insane.

Earlier he had started crying when he dropped his chocolate bar, Lukas had just given him a look and handed him another one, telling him ‘it wasn’t a big deal.’

Emma is now sat between his legs. They’re on the floor of Lukas’s living room. Philip’s hands working fast and experienced in her hair, curling it with a warm iron. He’s overly tentative, making sure not to burn her. She’d ask him to make her look like a princess, he’d had complied with a smile in return. Charlotte always looked like a doll to him, and Emma does too, the resemblance is bittersweet.

He finishes the last curl, unclasping the iron from the golden blonde strands.

“You look so pretty” he beams, lifting up a white hand mirror to her.

She gives him a toothy smile once she sees it, jumping up excitedly, “thanks Phi Phi!”

“I’m gonna go show daddy!” she yells happily as she runs down the hall.

Philip smiles softly, she’s so adorable.

He feels a buzzing in his pocket. He reaches down for it immediately.

Tommy, no surprise, Philip quirks an eyebrow.

‘ _What time can I come thru?’_ Tommy sent.

Philip thinks for a second, deciding on the best time to sneak him in at.

’ _11_?’ he sends back, that should be good enough, not too late and Lukas most likely will be in bed by then. He’d been working on his writing since the rise of dawn.

His phone vibrates within a minute, ‘ _okay_.’

Philip feels a weird pang inside him. Guilty even though he shouldn’t, Lukas is pushing him away.

Lukas enters the room with an armful of Emma, grinning down at her. Philip feels his eyes soften unwillingly, his chest tighten.

“Hey” Lukas nods, smiling at him as he sits down next to him, on arm wrapped around Emma’s middle and the other holding a coffee mug, perched on his knee.

Philip reaches for it eagerly,  and Lukas shakes his head, retaking it out of his hands.

“Not good for you” Lukas says, voice all pointed the same way he does when Emma’s misbehaving.

Philip blinks, wishing for the coffee. If only caffeine wasn’t bad for babies, he thinks disappointedly.

Lukas touches his side, “I can make you tea if want?”

Philip smiles at Lukas’s attempt to get on his good graces, he nods. In the back of his mind he knows he’s winning.

-

Philip pulls a baggy t shirt over his head. It’s black and has a tiny liquor logo on it. He chose to wear it to hide his belly. It’s preferable if Tommy doesn’t know he’s knocked up.

He then pulls on some briefs, black and loose at the waistband (thankfully.) They make his ass look lovely and if he hefts them up high enough on his front it’ll cover some of the curve of his belly.

He finishes dressing with the sweat pants he’s been wearing ritually. They’re black like the rest of his outfit, and surprisingly flattering.

Philip uses two sprays of expensive perfume, one of the ones that Lukas had bought for the guest room.

He turns on his phone, seeing if Tommy updated him since he’d last texted.

‘ _Almost there’_ Tommy sent three minutes ago.

Philip’s throat closes up nervously, shit this was a bad idea, so stupid. He shouldn’t be doing this.

_Lukas is pushing you away though_

Philip bites his lip in confliction, jolting when his phone vibrates suddenly against his thigh.

 _‘I’m outside_.’

Philip swallows, inhaling and exhaling purposely a couple times, trying to get his confidence in this back.

Tommy’s cute, and Lukas doesn’t think Philip’s important enough to actually _want_ him anyways, _fuck._

Philip bites back his feelings, mustering up all the pride he has to sit up, and sneakily tip toe out into the hall, down the blackened shapes of the house. He flicks on a dim light in the living room when he gets there, illuminating a yellow light down the hall.

He looks around briefly, not hearing even an ounce of sound.

He idly fixes his hair one last time, taking one glance in the reflection of the tv before he’s turning to the door. Philip twists the knob with his heart thudding fast, it opens to reveal Tommy of course, phone in his hand and leather jacket sitting on his shoulders.

“Hey” Philip whispers, tugging the boy inside by his hand.

Tommy nearly trips over something when they’re walking in the dimness, and Philip sends him a panicked look.

“Shh-“ he emphasizes, and begins tip toeing again, this time keeping a grip on Tommy’s wrist.

Tommy grins in the dark lighting, his other hand finding its way to Philip’s hip.

Philip bites down on his lip in concentration as he applies pressure to the wood in the hall, some of them are decently noisy he’d noticed. Luckily enough the spots he steps on aren’t overly creaky, and they make it safely to his bedroom door.

Philip almost has a heart palpation when the door opens, now completely thoughtless of what he and Tommy are even going to do. He knows Tommy likes him, and he likes Tommy too. In a crush way, a small petulant crush, nothing like the overload of feeling he gets for Lukas.

The mouth he is going to kiss isn’t the one he loves, but it’ll make him feel better. Somebody is better than nobody.

_He hopes_

He shuts the door behind them, and Tommy cups his face instantly, hungrily, his quirked lips are soft and wanting. His tongue follows dirtily immediately, he cups Philip’s cheek like-

_Lukas_

_Lukas_

_Lukas_

Philip whines at the thought, the bitterness it leaves on his tongue. Tommy must take it as a pleasured moan because he eagerly kisses down his jaw, to the dip of his neck. The pressure of Tommy’s biting sucks are no doubt leaving a trail of hickeys, Philip’s guilt sinks deeper.

_Lukas_

_Lukas_

_Lukas_

Philip grabs his hair, pulling that mouth back up. He reattaches their lips wetly to quiet the influx of thoughts in his head. It works for a moment, as he makes sure to notice all the things that’re explicitly Tommy. The different, woodsy smell of his cologne, not like Lukas’s. Philip doesn’t like it as much. Then there’s the soft, brown curls of his hair, like Philip’s but less kept, more dry too.

The missing scrape of a five o clock shadow missing too, Philip longs for it.

_Luk-_

The rambled, mess of worries he’d created in his mind cut off by Tommy’s hands coming down to his waist, rubbing the curves of his body hungrily. Tommy’s fingers tense physically against his tummy when his hand comes to brush it.

“Philip?” Tommy whispers, looking up with squinty, boyish confused eyes. “You’re pregnant?”

Philip heart drops, just slightly, he’d been expecting it. “Yeah,” he admits, eyelashes fluttering as he flicks them up to Tommy’s.

“Oh,” Tommy says, “alright” he whispers, returning to touching him like it doesn’t matter.

Philip likes the less complications with Tommy. How he isn’t scared to touch him, kiss him, and actually wants Philip without being scared to talk about it.

_(Well that’s mostly because the wants Tommy has for Philip are mostly, in not all, entirely sexual.)_

_Whatever, Philip wants to rein in temporary bliss._

His long, lengthy legs come to wrap beautifully around Tommy’s waist, the distinct, sweet feeling of an erection pressing against him. Philip bites his lip, thinking of Lukas’s.

_Don’t_

Philip looks warily at Tommy as he hears him unzip himself, “can I fuck you?” Tommy asks.

Philip closes his eyes tightly, guilt overloading and his voice on the edge of sending out a ‘ _no_.’

He hears a loud thud instead, Philip’s nerves spike instantly, his eyes opening in alert.

Lukas.

It’s Lukas, tired looking and pissed expression now etching over his features in realization.

Philip doesn’t know how to breathe. Tommy tenses, “shit” he breathes, lifting off Philip like a flame igniting.

“Lukas” Philip says brokenly, he doesn’t know what he’s asking for.

_I can explain. Don’t freak out. Don’t-_

Lukas doesn’t see him, actually ignores him completely, his nostrils flaring angrily, “Philip-“ he hisses, his stone cold eyes staring down Tommy.

Tommy jumps from the bed, pulling down his shirt quickly as he attempts to bolt to the window.

Philip gets up fast when Lukas intervenes, looking like he’s a second away from kicking the living shit out of Tommy’s ass.

“Lukas! Stop-“ he bites out, grabbing Lukas tightly by the sleeve.

Lukas lunges for Tommy aggressively. Philip stumbles with his hold on Lukas’s shirt. Lukas stops in time to steady him before he falls, his flamed eyes turning apologetically shocked before he’s somehow out of Philip’s grip, and then his focus returns completely to Tommy.

Philip feels the tears begin, tracking apology marks down his cheeks.

He doesn’t see much, just the array of flying fists. Lukas punches him first, of course. Somehow Tommy manages to kick him off, bolting up right after an array of sharp swings.

“You didn’t say you had a fuckin’ boyfriend” Tommy snarks at Philip, his eye already bruising. Tommy then bolts out the door, Lukas raging after him, Philip cries, body shaking with sobs with the distant noise of chaos.

The clear sound of the front door slamming closed is heard loudly, Philip digs his nails into mattress.

The door to Philip’s bedroom creaks open, Philip’s anxiety spikes. Lukas enters, his arms trembling with pure anger, his brows furrowed deeply. He’s visibly fuming.

_Somewhere in the back of Philip’s mind he hopes Tommy didn’t get too hurt, because Lukas looks almost completely bruise less._

“Lukas“ Philip whispers weakly, voice cracking.

Lukas looks toward him, he looks unbearably pissed. Philip nearly whimpers in fear at Lukas’s icy eyes.

_He fucked up_

Philip gulps, looking at his bony knees, all covered in goosebumps. He shivers.

Lukas stalks toward him, climbing onto the bed. Philip stills, eyes widening as Lukas crawls on top of him. Philip doesn’t know what to think as Lukas forces his wrists above his head, he doesn’t know where to look but those _hurt_ blue eyes.

“What the fuck Philip?” Lukas hisses, his voice unbearably pained.

Philip feels his tears running hot again. He shouldn’t have been so stupid. Lukas looks so wounded, his eyes lit with fire, Philip knows he burned him.

“I’m sorry” Philip whimpers, closing his soaked lashes. It hurts him too much to look at Lukas.

“Sorry?” Lukas laughs dryly, he sounds like he’s about to cry.

Philip blinks up at him finally, feeling the release of grip on his wrists. “I’m so sorry Lukas! I shouldn’t have-“ he attempts to explain quickly, terrified Lukas won’t want him at all anymore.

Lukas cuts him off with a rough, messy kiss. Philip makes a small noise in surprise, his lips coming to kiss back seconds later.

“Thought you were mine” Lukas whispers, eyes barely open but Philip can see the intensity in them.

“I am” Philip breathes, straining his head up for Lukas’s kiss, “I just need you to be mine too” Philip admits, and it hurts because it’s everything he needs.

“I want to be- I do” Lukas promises quickly, capturing Philip’s lips again. It’s quick, and Lukas pulls away with a bite to Philip’s bottom lip.

“Who was he?” Lukas growls, obviously thinking about Tommy again.

“No one” Philip says, heart thudding, his pulse beating fast in his throat.

Lukas’s eyes flicker with something, he dives down for Philip’s lips, ravishing his swollen mouth with forceful kisses. Philip moans into it, his hand coming to thread into Lukas’s locks, the other resting on his shoulder. Lukas feels him up hungrily, hands roaming his thighs, coming to slide up his shirt.

“I want you so bad” Philip whines, clawing at Lukas’s back. Lukas seems to feel the same, because he leans back slightly to pull Philip’s shirt off. Philip flushes once his chest hits the cold air, cheeks pinkening the same shade as his nipples, which Lukas eagerly takes it his mouth. Philip keens immediately, they’re overly sensitive from his being hormonal. The sweet, strong suck makes his dick twitch achingly in his sweats.

“Uh-” Philip squeaks, when Lukas bites down on the small, pink flesh. Lukas mouths tenderly at his tit, suckling it once last time before he pulls off with a ‘ _pop_.’

“Fucking gorgeous” Lukas husks, pressing his hard on into Philip’s thigh.

“Lukas-s” Philip stutters, his mind not working properly. His mouth falling lax like he’s under some kind of spell. Lukas licks into his mouth more precise than any poem. Like every slick swipe of his tongue quests deeper for Philip, like it tells Philip all the words Lukas barely says.

Philip pants unevenly when their lips pull apart wetly, his eyes cascading to the tenting in Lukas’s boxers. The sweet curve of it makes Philip’s heart stutter foolishly, he glances up, glossy _‘fuck me’_ eyes begging into Lukas’s dark ones.

“Can I?” Lukas asks, already knowing what Philip wants.

Philip pulls Lukas down by the neck, licking needily into his mouth in response.

“Yeah” he moans onto Lukas’s lips in a damp, heated way that has Lukas sliding his tongue back inside.

He scratches down Lukas’s shoulders, and arches up into him, wanting to seal away any and all cracks between them, till they’re just together.

_Whole_

Lukas groans when Philip palms him, and slides his larger hand down to do the same. Philip bites his lip in a shameless way, too turned on to care how fucked out he already looks. This is what he’s been wanting for so long and he’s finally getting it.

Lukas sits back, surprisingly Philip as he pulls him up with him, his lean long legs framing Philip’s body for a second before he’s being dragged up onto Lukas’s lap. The pure hardness of Lukas’s cock making it the hottest pressure against his ass, it's just instinctual to press his hips down.

“Ah- fuck” Lukas hisses, eyes lustful yet softening now, he palms Philip’s face like he always does, tender and sweet.

“Philip,” Lukas says after a beat, “are you sure?”

Philip swallows, his skin buzzing with the distracting brush of Lukas’s nose and lips along his throat.

Philip arches into him, answering by kissing him sensually, his hands stroking Lukas’s scalp through his hair in a loving way.

Lukas nods into the kiss, his palms moving quickly, dipping down Philip’s lower back, to thumb at his waistband. Philip eagerly rises on his knees, easily letting Lukas slide his underwear and sweats down his thighs, they lock at his knees momentarily. Lukas unhooks his fingers from the material, his hands immediately sliding to firmly grip Philip’s bare cheeks.

“You have any lube?” Lukas asks, kissing his throat.

“Yeah” Philip slurs, distracted by the hands massaging the smooth swell of his ass. Lukas’s fingers getting teasingly close to his crack.

“Mm” Lukas hums, tilting his head up to capture Philip’s mouth in a greedy kiss.

Philip’s limbs feel like jelly as he slides out of Lukas’s embrace, he digs around in his end tables top drawer, messily scattering everything that’s neatly put away inside it.

He chucks it to Lukas, and makes use of kicking his sweatpants and underwear all the way off. Lukas does the same, and idly drops his boxers down off the edge of the mattress.

His heart beat is loud in his ears, he feels almost bashful as he climbs back into Lukas’s lap. His long model esque legs framing Lukas’s toned ones like art. Philip thinks together they’re more beautiful. He loves the firm way Lukas holds him, like he just needs Philip to be there right in his arms.

_Philip is thrumming on electricity, all red lights gone, he finally feels free to touch Lukas like he’d never been able to before._

He slides his hand down, down low till it’s passing the slight pudge on Lukas’s belly and ending up with a handful of length. It’s _so_ good. He feels like a god the way Lukas is watching him. Philip trails his fingers down the length of it, being tantalizingly soft enough to make Lukas’s breathe hitch in his throat.

Lukas groans, digging his nails into Philip’s ass when Philip finally wraps his fist around him, giving his cock a few sweet strokes.

He feels the hands leave his cheeks, and the telltale snick of Philip’s strawberry lube.

Lukas’s wet fingers prod his hole unexpectedly, causing Philip’s thighs to squirm from the coolness.

“Sorry,” Lukas chuckles, kissing his cheek sweetly. Philip smiles, clinging to Lukas because he can. His heart is doing unexplainable things. This is them, him and Lukas being together because they need to be.

Philip makes a small, breathy noise as Lukas slides in two fingers easily. It’s less resistance than the first because of the excessive amount of lube Lukas has dolloped all over his long fingers. It’s deliciously burning, just a little, a good proof that this is real. Everything about Lukas is real, bestowed in front of him like a prize that only Philip gets to enjoy.

Philip bounces down on his fingers, making breathy little noises because it just feels _that_ good. Lukas fingers are perfect, curling and twisting to stretch out the pink walls inside him. It’s so intimately beautiful that is has happy tears clinging to Philip’s eyelashes. Lukas has a careful look on his face, watching Philip’s expression intently like he doesn’t want to do anything that’ll possibly hurt him, it’s heartwarming and reassuring that Lukas is literally _perfection_.

Another presses in, Philip gasps a little higher at the stretch.

Lukas furrows his brows, one hand coming to rest softly on his hip, “you good baby?”

_Baby_

Philip blushes, nodding a little, “I’m fine” he reassures against Lukas’s lips. He presses needy kisses to the soft flesh of Lukas’s mouth, kitten licking into it. A sweet tease. Lukas grins into it, fire spreads throughout Philip’s whole body.

“Want you- want you, please” Philip whispers breathily, his hips twitching with a greedy need for something more, something bigger, longer-

_Lukas_

_Lukas_

_Lukas_

Lukas nods jerkedly, like the words that fall from Philip’s lips are a heaven he’d been waiting to hear. Philip swears under his breathe as Lukas twists his fingers just right, rubbing on a unbearably sensitive part inside him.

“You ready for me sweetie?” Lukas whispers. _Always so loving._

Philip hides his face in Lukas’s neck, and snakes his hand down between them. He grabs Lukas’s wrist, guiding his fingers out. Lukas groans audibly at the feeling. Philip can imagine how he feels. Philip had fingered himself before of course. The sweet snugness around his digits was something he knew vividly.

Lukas’s cock had been resting abandoned on his belly, Philip had been too love drunk from getting finger fucked to even think. It’s pretty, he thinks, all thick, pale but rosy pink at the tip. Philip’s mouth waters for the stretch of it, _maybe later_ , he wants Lukas to do all type of things to him, and vice versus.

Philip grasps his hand around the base, somewhat amazed by how small Lukas makes his hand look. Lukas kisses his forehead, petting his hair like he’s a cat or something.

_Philip has a soft, teenage smile, all butterflies and nervously in love. The closeness between them means everything to Philip. Their babies safely between them, blossoming in Philip’s belly like the most extraordinary flowers._

Lukas’s hand comes to cover his, that rough palm grazing the top of Philip’s smoother hand, helping him guide Lukas inside. It’s a blunt, hot hot press of Lukas’s slick tip, easing inside Philip’s velvety soft insides like butter with help of the lube. Philip is overwhelmed by everything, the sweet stretch of Lukas, the deep look in his eyes. The way he’s cupping Philip’s jaw so he can’t look away, break the much needed eye contact. Them, complete, together.

A broken sound escapes Philip’s throat. Lukas is incredibly tender, whispering little love letters into Philip’s ears. It makes Philip’s body tremble with shockwaves through out, his hole clenching rhythmically without realizing. Lukas breathily moans into his ear whenever he does, the soft encouraging sounds that he make Philip’s tummy tighten.

Lukas holds his hips and helps guide Philip down on a couple inches, tender words leaving his lips.

_“You’re so beautiful-“_

_“You’re so wet inside- so fuckin tight”_

_“Yeah- just like that baby, my sweet angel”_

Philip’s whole lithe, smaller frame is reddened. He resembles an angel welled fucked even though they barely began. Lukas’s cock just mere inches inside him, three to four inches deep at most.

Philip’s hips are tentative, rocking slightly down on Lukas’s thickness, his hole gradually accepting more dick, more dick-

 He needs more, wants it all. Lukas has a tender look in his eye, awed like Philip is completely amazing. Philip reins in the worship of his baby blue gaze. He feels sunshine warm. _Loved._

Lukas’s hands are big. Big enough that they cover most of his ass, and long enough that his fingers can dip to the stretched pink of his hole if he wants to. He does, because it’s _Lukas_ , and Philip squeaks, not expecting the added sensation.

“Does it feel good?” Lukas asks, wide eyed because he actually cares.

Philip sweetly kisses him, a soft tender lock of the lips, he pulls away just to look into Lukas’s warm eyes. “Mhmm” he hums. It turns into a whimper as Lukas’s hips rise on their own, Philip’s hole intaking most of the base now, he feels sloppily wet all ready, he thinks idly.

“You’re so amazing” Lukas whispers breathily, sucking a hickey beneath Philip’s jaw, the delicate white flesh turning a soft red. His fingers are deft, quickly sliding up to Philip’s mouth, he presses two of them inside, rubbing deep on Philip’s bubble gum pink tongue.

Philip moans greedily around them, his sparkly brown eyes rolling into the back of his skull.

Somehow, from Philip’s overly shaky thighs, he slides down all the way, his ass mashing flush against Lukas’s pelvis.

“Fuck” Lukas groans, stroking Philip’s sides, and resting them of the pudge above his hips. His thighs are straining, burning hot and fierce like the lust he feels in between his legs where he’s rock solid.

Lukas doesn’t make him wait, his eager big hand sliding into his soft fleshy inner thighs, wrapping firmly around him with his damp fingers.

Philip’s making repetitive whining noises, he can’t focus. Inside him is hot, so tight and clinging to Lukas in a way that he feels everything. Every inch, the slight twitch of Lukas’s cock shifting inside him. The creamy heat of Lukas and the sugary scented lube that’s leaking slightly out of his loosened hole.

Lukas clings to Philip’s body, his gently stern hands guiding Philip’s pliant, already fucked out hips onto his cock. It punches the breathe out of Philip’s pink fragile lunges, his ivory cut knuckles clawing Lukas’s evenly pale skin in worship, cutting tender marks down his back. Blazing a trail of red. He settles his gaze on Lukas’s lust filled eyes, the sensitivity between them, and the soft erratic thump of Philip’s heart against his frail boned rib cage.

Lukas cock, too.

It’s igniting magic in him, every deep press of Lukas’s canting, hungry hips fucking his plush walls so good. Philip bites down on Lukas’s jaw to hide the cascading whimpery moans his throat begs to let out.

“Gonna fuck you so good” Lukas promises huskily, a growl so sure that Philip’s toes curl against the silky blankets bunched beneath them.

“Yeah- Mmm, Lukas” Philip moans, rubbing his face against Lukas’s neck like he’s in unbearable heat.

Lukas is everything at once it’s a little mind boggling, firm yet so incredibly soft, Philip’s not much help with riding him. His thighs are dumbly jellified with the fact that Lukas is finally giving him everything he wants.

Lukas doesn’t seem to mind. In fact he actually seems to be completely worshipping Philip for taking him so beautifully. The whisper that comes seconds after reaffirms it, “so fuckin pretty, taking me like this, you were made for me, weren’t you?”

Philip’s eyes sting with how accurate the dirty talk is, he nods shakily, his fingers twitching uselessly on every thrust. His spot getting relentlessly pressed against by Lukas’s thick head, that sweet rub getting too much, becoming a tingly hot sensation.

Lukas’s moans are getting jagged, whinier like Philip’s sweet body is milking his cock of all his precum. Philip vaguely feels Lukas’s balls tighten against his hole, drawling up hotly. Philip whines at the thought, Lukas’s cum filling him again, messy and full. A claim inside his body. And the fact that it’s also useless. His once deflated, small belly now round and full.

Lukas’s hand wraps around him again, making his belly jolt with surprise, a tight clench around Lukas’s shaft.

“You’re mine,” Lukas hisses, it’s predatory. Clearly some thoughts of Tommy are flittering through his brain.

Philip whines, his hips lolling downwards on Lukas’s unrelenting thrusts, his head falls backwards, gasping a nearly soundless noise at the ceiling as he closes his eyes tightly. His hole sensitively flutters around Lukas, every inch of his slick cock fucking him over the edge, milky white clouds Philip’s hazy vision.

_Heavens christening comes when Lukas makes a sharp thrust, his hips jolting upwards again, his long fingers gripping into the meaty part of Philip’s ass._

_“I love you- love you”_

It’s Lukas’s eyes too, his dark love flustered eyes watching him like it’s the hottest thing he’s ever seen. Philip feels blissful. _Lukas loves him._

 The sacred words have him cumming between them messily, all hot and splashing Lukas’s pecs. Lukas growls, hawling him up by the ass and rutting so deep. So fucking deep inside him that he holds it, unloading inside Philip with shaky hips. His mouth falls open prettily, Philip drinks in all the details of Lukas at his peak of pleasure. The sensual lax expression on his face. Somewhere in the back of Philip’s mind he remembers that ‘ _I did that_.’

Philip clings to him like a teddy bear, he’s shivering in the snug embrace. His ass and thighs completely sensitive, and Lukas is softening inside him. Lukas nudges him up slightly to help his cock slip out, and settles Philip down to lie on the bed. Lukas grabs the edge of the sheet, being tender and gentle as he wipes the mess he’d left in between Philip’s thighs.

Philip bites his lip, heart fluttering because Lukas feels like his now. He’s said the magic words even.

“Did you mean it?” Philip asks after Lukas thrown away the dirty blanket, Lukas now pressing into his side.

Lukas swallows, idly kissing Philip’s head, “of course.”

Philip shuts his lids and smiles.

Lukas’s fingers trail up from his side, resting on his front. Lying there, with Lukas’s hand now resting lovingly on his belly, Philip realizes it is always Lukas.

The air is even, the soft hum of Lukas’s fan, and Philip’s heart beat filtrating throughout his ears.


	13. September

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, just wanted to give yall this bc I've been away for a little. More very soon! <333

The sun flickers in through the blind in the softest, most elegant way. Philip’s heart beat is as soft as the feather filled pillow case his head in snuggled into. Lukas feels like a furnace. Warm and steady, luckily enough Philip’s chilly in the morning air.

A soft noise falls from Lukas’s lips at the slight disturbance of Philip shifting, he blinks his sleep ridden eyes open. Philip falls in love with them again.

Blue, clear, and beautiful, Philip could live forever staring at them.

“Morning, pretty” Lukas says, his eyes falling closed sleepily, his long fingers stroking the hair from Philip’s baby smooth forehead.

A smile rises from Philip’s lips, of course. Soft and smitten, just as loving as the one he’d given him last night.

Philip yawns, sitting up and away from Lukas’s needy arms. “Good morning sleeping beauty” he jokes, not really. His heart throbs when a familiar smile spread across Lukas’s face, it glimmers like an ethereal light that only Lukas’s face could cast.

A pinch in the side, teasingly sweet. Philip squirms away, giggling at the tickling sensation it leaves.

“Enough” he laughs, eyelashes fluttering, “I’m gonna make some tea, you want any?” Philip asks. _So married_ , Philip thinks.

Lukas opens his eyes, sitting up on an elbow, “that herbal stuff right? No caffeine, baby” he says, yawning.

Philip closes Lukas’s wardrobe, pulling out a shirt, “mhmm, that raspberry one. Do you have any shorts that’ll fit me?” he asks, turning towards Lukas with a hopeful expression.

“I don’t think so, not stretchy ones at least” Lukas replies, rolling off the bed. “You can make me some coffee, though” Lukas adds with a grin.

With a nod Philip bites his lip, hoping Lukas’s shirt will cover enough that he’s not freezing. He pulls the hemline down all the way, the fabric brushing across the tops of his thighs, resting just beneath the swell of his ass thankfully.

It’ll cover enough to comfortably walk to the kitchen. Philip leaves the room with a once over on Lukas’s naked body, the lingering, wistful feeling of want. Lukas sure looks handsome in the strike of dawn, all long and lean, tall and beautiful.

Philip still wishes for his lips as he turns on the coffee maker, sparking it up before he even worries about making his own tea. Love does things like that. Philip thinks of Emma, he wants to make her a bottle of milk but he knows she’d been to bed late last night. He decides on waking her in a little instead.

After his tea water is boiling hot, steamy and nearly sizzling that Philip dunks in his herbal tea bag, idly sending a glance over to the brewing pot of coffee. The smell is refreshing. Coffee beans are always good at waking him with their aroma.

His belly growls, and little ache inside from being hungry. He rocks on his heels, leaving his mug on the counter to search the fridge. He’s got the weirdest, most strangest craving. He’d be willing to devour pancakes covered with chocolate syrup if he was in the mood to make it, instead he settles on having cereal, it’s quick and sounds edible.

-

“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re really funny?” Lukas grins, a teasing, little devilish grin as he wipes away some syrup from Philip’s mouth.

Philip rolls his eyes, knowing Lukas is teasing him for literally drinking chocolate syrup. Well not really, he has half a cup full of it and is spooning it out. The chocolate, sugary sweetness is moan worthy good.

They’re sat in grass. It’s a small park just down the block. Philip loves the warmth the heavy orange September sun brings, beating down on them with unrelenting rays. The slight peek of his belly from his shirt riding up is visible, an old lady glances at it, than at him with a curious smile.

“When is the little one due?” she says, tone all soft and sweet, Philip returns her smile.

“They’re due in March” Philip responds fondly, resting his bony fingers across his bulging belly.

Her smile brightens, showing all her slightly gapped teeth, “two!? You’ll have your hand full, seeing as you already have a little girl” she nods over to Emma.

The flutter in Philip’s body has him smiling gleefully, and it feels so right that he doesn’t bother to correct her.

Lukas is looking at him in a way, too. All soft eyed and loving.

She waves them a goodbye, Philip notices a little dot of syrup on his knee that must’ve dripped off his spoon. He wipes it with a finger, popping it into his mouth to clean away the sticky sweetness.

Lukas catches his eye, something mischievous lurking there, “what?” Philip laughs. A lemur grin spreads across Lukas’s face, teasing and cute, “it’s nothing. You’re just cute.”

Philip snorts, resting back on his elbows to expose his gut, “not with this I’m not,” when Lukas makes a face Philip adds “I’m already looking fat Lukas.”

Leaning towards him, Lukas shakes his head. “Yeah right, you never look bad _ever_ ” he tells him seriously, stroking the knob of Philip’s knee.

Philip doesn’t really believe that, Lukas had seen him puke countless times, and wake up all hair crazy and sleepy eyed.

“Mhmm” he hums petulantly, but mostly just to be playful. Lukas kisses his hand, and hands him his peanut butter sandwich. It’s the only thing he’d been able to eat all day without feeling nauseated (besides the syrup.)

Emma is running about, Philip notices as he glances up. Her hair is pulled back today, shiny golden pigtails flowing in the wind as she swings through the breeze. She has a dopey smile on her face, her eyes lit up as she watches a flock of birds soar overhead.

Philip takes a bite out of the soft white bread, chewing idly while picking at his nails.

“So, my dad’s coming to visit” Lukas says, breaking the silence.

His tone is serious. Philip flicks his gaze over Lukas’s tense expression. “And?” Philip pushes, his nerves striking in his belly.

“I don’t know how to feel about it.”

Philip shakes his head. “You don’t know what he’s going to say, right?”

“Yeah” Lukas nods, picking at the grass and leaving his sandwich on the plate.

Lying down on his side, Philip pushes Lukas’s plate towards him. “Eat and stop thinking, you’re stressing me out just because I know you’re worrying” Philip insists, rubbing his tummy to relax.

Lukas sighs, running his fingers through the knots in his hair, “I’m sorry baby, I’m just thinking a lot.”

Philip nods softly, sucking on his bottom lip in thought. “When is he coming?”

“Couple weeks, nothing too soon.”

Philip laughs at that, it’s ironic, “great I’ll be _huge_ then.”

Lukas’s face softens. He kisses him, a tender mash of Lukas’s eager lips.


	14. Deja Vu

He’s sixteen weeks.

Philip bounces Emma on his hip, waiting nonchalantly for Lukas to pay for the grocery bill.

“Want any mints Em?” Lukas asks, shaking a small can of altoids.

She shakes her head, pointing to the gum instead. “Hubba Bubba!”

Lukas smiles, picking out the gum she wanted and placing it onto the checkout belt.

A man around his mid-forties comes to stand behind them. Philip gets a strange vibe just from his presence. He doesn’t look back for the time being, pretending to focus on fixing the straps of Emma’s dress.

A soft graze on the shoulder from rough fingers. Philip’s skin goes icy from the touch, and dread settling deep in his gut.

“Yes?” He blinks, glancing back at the taller man, whose face sinks deeper into his memory than he’d like.

“Philip huh? Never thought I’d see you again” he chuckles, dark eyes flittering over Philip’s entire body.

“Yeah” Philip just says, already wishing the conversation would end. He doesn’t want to remember that deep, scratchy voice. Nor those strong hands, and that intense dirty gaze.

Lukas seems to notice, vaguely glancing over while the checkout lady finishes ringing up their items.

“Not surprised to see you popping them out” he says pointedly, but it’s supposed to be funny, Philip doesn’t laugh.

“Thanks” Philip replies dryly, turning away and smoothing some of Emma’s hair down.

“Hey- I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just nice to see you” Stewart tries to add, but Philip doesn’t look back at him.

Lukas pays, sliding the card into the electronic card reader. When it accepts he slides it out, taking his receipt, he strides to Philip, taking him by the wrist and also pushing the cart.

“What was that all about?” Lukas asks him, his brow quirked with an edgy look graced upon his features, sending daggers back to Stewart.

Philip coughs, “uh- nothing, he was just asking me about the uh… bread.”

“The bread” Lukas repeats dryly, nonbelieving.

“Yeah” Philip nods, pushing a neutral expression to play it off.

Lukas gives him a once over, squinty eyed, he doesn’t believe him but he lets it go.

-

Lukas squirts a goop of cold shampoo into Philip’s hair. Philip relaxes into the gentle way Lukas cards his fingers through his hair, massaging the fragranced soap into it.

Philip glances down, feeling an odd soreness to his chest. It has been feeling like that all day. His nipples are puffier than usual and his chest seems to be actually flaring out, like, he’s actually an A cup now.

It’s weird, but then again nothing about pregnancy isn’t weird. He notices a dribble of white down his chest. He raises his eyebrows in shock.

“Did you just pour more shampoo on me?” Philip blinks at Lukas in a confused, ‘what the fuck’ type of way.

“Uh- no?” Lukas mutters confusedly, his eyebrows furrowing as well.

Philip’s nerves rise a little, he tentatively touches the swollen shape of his almost breasts, watching a little dribble of milk leak down and out his nipple.

“Lukas-“ he says nervously, “my tits are leaking.”

It’s more of a shocked thing than anything. Philip knew he was going to create milk but now that it’s actually happening it’s pretty new and surprising.

Lukas turns him around, soft big hands roaming his hips. He looks down at the leaking, his face decently neutral “Philip this happens, you’re pregnant” Lukas laughs softly, adding “it’s just milk” when he cups Philip’s face.

“I know, I just wasn’t expecting it so.. early y’know?” Philip replies, going over to pick up a bottle of body wash. He pops the cap, dribbling a glob of it into his palm. He applies it to Lukas’s neck and chest, scrubbing his already flawless skin smooth.

Lukas hums, his arms framing Philip’s body immediately. “Do they hurt?” he suddenly asks, eyes down casting to Philip’s.

“A little” Philip shrugs.

Nodding, Lukas replies “I’ll buy you a breast pump.”

Philip blushes, smiling at his toes. Lukas always knows how to take care of him.

-

Anne sits down on the leather couch, propping her arm on the edge.

“My baby is getting so big” she squeals, all overly gleeful and affectionate like she always is every single times she sees him. Philip loves her and the attention, he’ll take her eager intrusiveness over a shitty, non-supporting parent that he could’ve had if he’d been left with his dad.

He’s sporting a shy smile, he always gets so red with the even the slightest mention of his babies. He loves them impossibly so.

“He is” Lukas agrees, a proud smile on his face.

Philip elbows him teasingly when he sits down, “only she can say that” he pouts playfully, resting his back on Lukas’s front.

“Mhmm” Lukas chuckles, his arms coming to fold over Philip’s middle. Lukas’s gentle fingers creating a dull rhythm on the slope of his belly.

Out of nowhere he feels an aching in his breasts, they’re extremely tender. “Ow” he whines, softly rubbing his chest in attempt to relieve some of the soreness.

“What’s wrong?” Anne and Lukas say in unison.

“Boobs are sore as shit” Philip hisses, voice pained when he accidentally grazes his nipples.

Lukas soothingly strokes his fingertips up the milky white curve of Philip’s side, “I can run out and get you the breast pumps now.”

Philip exhales, dropping his hand when he feels them begin to leak a little. The white of his shirt dampening to gray, “they feel a little better now” he sighs in relief as the pain alleviates away. Philip traces ticklish patterns over Lukas’s forearm that rests on his belly.

Anne grins, kissing his cheek. “I got you a little something” she says, turning away to dig around in her big beach styled bag.

His eyes light up like sun beams. Presents were had always been a rarity. Since Lukas everything had changed.

_Everything_

Even though they’re technically a thing Lukas still pays him, and it helps a lot. With the money Philip has more than enough to pay for his moms expenses and still a little spending money. He’s been using the remainder of his cash to spend on cute little things he spots while he shops. Usually baby clothes that strike his attention, ones with cute little slogans that he finds overly adorable. Or new herbal teas that he and his mother never tried before.

He’d changed a lot. Before he wouldn’t bat an eye at babies at the park. He didn’t care enough to take vitamins. He hadn’t thought a man would ever treat him differently than the john’s did. He didn’t plan to have kids ever for that exact reason. Philip never thought he’d find Lukas.

Philip turns his head, pressing a heart fluttering chaste kiss to Lukas’s mouth, hearing the crinkle of his mom’s bag closing.

“Here it is, sweetie” Anne hands him a wrapped thing, newspaper pulled tight around something hard.

“Thank you mom” he says genuinely, sending her a warm smile as he attempts to unwrap it.

“It’s nothing much baby” she waves weakly, all bashful like how Philip gets when he’s done something for someone. “I saw it at the little antique shop over where we live. I just had to get it for you” Anne explains with a pretty toothy smile.

Philip blushes when he sees it. An angel, it’s transparent. Like glass or crystal.

“Its real crystal” she adds, like it isn’t enough.

“It’s perfect.” Philip marvels at it, tentatively twirling the glass to see it at all angles. It’s shiny and has a red ombre inside it, tiny and right where a heart would be. There’s a gold shine on the halo, and a pink blush on the angel’s cheeks, it’s completely gorgeous.

“Wow, that is nice” Lukas says, and Philip can hear the grin in his voice.

Anne meets his smile, Philip feels golden.

-

Emma is whiny when Philip puts her in her new bed. It’s a twin sized one. Lukas decided since she’s getting old enough to climb out of her crib that she can have her own bed. She grabs Philip’s shirt when he pulls away to leave.

“Phi Phi?”

Philip sighs, tiredly giving her a smile. “Huh?”

“Where do babies come from?” She mumbles, popping her thumb into her mouth while she thinks deeply.

He laughs softly, stroking her hair. “From two people, one of them carries the baby in their tummy till the baby is ready to come out.”

She blinks, awed. Her eyes widen with amazement, “when can I meet the babies in your tummy?”

“Soon” he promises, kissing her head.

“Get some sleep angel face” he tells her softly, pulling her blanket up to her chin.

-

Philip slides into bed beside Lukas, being slow to not disrupt Lukas and because his chest hurts like a motherfucker.

Lukas grumbles at the movement anyways, and nudges towards Philip. Lukas lazily puts his arm over Philip’s body, sending a jolt of pain when his hand accidentally brushes Philip’s chest.

“Ow” Philip complains, moving Lukas’s arm away from that area.

“Sorry, your boob?” Lukas apologizes, kissing Philip’s shoulder blade.

“Mm” Philip hums, internally begging the soreness to dissipate. He wishes it’d fade away into nothing.

“You could always breastfeed Emma if they hurt that bad” Lukas points out, trying to make him feel better with the quickest solution.

Philip snorts, “She’s three.”

“So?”

Philip rolls his eyes even though Lukas can’t see him.

“I don’t want to go back to sleep with you in pain” Lukas mumbles against his neck.

Philip twists in his embrace, turning towards him. Belly to belly but with a little space between.

“It hurts” Philip whines, biting his lip so it’ll make Lukas do something, anything.

Lukas nods, “alright.”

Philip blinks in confusion for a second. Then Lukas is sliding down. The curve of his nose bumping Philip’s collarbone, going down till his fingers are coaxing Philip’s shirt up.

“Oh” Philip gasps, his fingers coming to thread through Lukas’s hair.

“Shh” Lukas whispers, he pulls Philip’s shirt over his head, placing tender kisses up Philip’s belly. Lukas’s palm gently runs up Philip’s side, fingertips gently trailing up the shape of Philip’s ribs, trailing up to softly cup Philip’s breasts.

Philip hisses, it’s the lightest sensation but they’re so full feeling, all sore and swollen.

Lukas latches his mouth around a tender, puffy nipple. Philip yelps, his fingers tightening in Lukas’s corn toned silky strands.

“Mm” Lukas moans, or hums, Philip can’t tell, but he feels the sweet relief of the pressure almost immediately. Lukas continues mouthing at it in such a careful way, making sure to not suck too hard that it hurts. Philip exhales noisily when Lukas breaks the suction, a broken whimper in surprise.

Lukas is all disheveled hair, glazed eyes. It’s intense, and so incredibly intimate. Lukas licking Philip’s breastmilk from his lips. Only would Philip ever trust Lukas like this, no other man could ever compare.

Philip breathing quickens when Lukas refocuses on his tits, his other full one now. The suction around the sensitive flesh is just as surprising as the first. A small sound leaves his throat. It feels so good, so relieving.

“Mmm Lukas” Philip moans, it isn’t sexual. He just feels like he couldn’t get closer to Lukas if he possibly tried.

Lukas is perfect. Insistent, eager little mouth suckling still, his eyes watching Philip’s features intently. After a moment, and Philip’s feeling like his chest is comfortably light now, Lukas pulls away. Placing two tender kisses to both of Philip’s nipples.

“Better baby?” Lukas asks, his tired eyes settling closed as he rests his hair back across the pillow.

Philip settles his front against Lukas’s side, his head on his shoulder. He hums, placing soft kisses to the skin there, and a last one on Lukas’s jawline.

Philip waits for it.

As expected Lukas cups Philip’s face, tilting his chin up to lock their lips in a tender ‘good night’ way that they do every night now.

Philip settles back, heart warm in his chest. The fan whirring as always, soft and distant.

“My dad’s stopping by tomorrow.”

“Oh” Philip mumbles.

They’ll deal with that in the morning.


	15. Re-wiring

Philip sips his tea, idly glancing over to Lukas who’s vacuuming the rug. He can tell just how anxious Lukas is. He’d gotten up way earlier than usual that morning, something about how he couldn’t sleep.

Philip places his mug down, standing up on wobbly legs. His belly is bigger than his skinny frame, he thinks annoyedly.

He walks over to where Lukas is excessively swiping the vacuum across the living room’s Persian rug for the third time. Lukas jolts when Philip’s palms come to rest on his tense shoulders.

“You scared me” Lukas tells him, but he’s clearly distracted.

“Lukas” Philip says pointedly, placing his own hands on his hips.

“What?”

Philip rolls his eyes at Lukas’s denial, “stop worrying, everything’ll be fine.”

Lukas has his brows tensed, lines deepening. “I don’t know about that.”

Philip sighs, going to sit down on the couch. “We’ll be fine” he assures him, feeling slightly more on edge just by how nervous Lukas is. Philip doesn’t know enough about Bo to make a judgement. He just hopes he isn’t as bad as Lukas acts like he is.

“No, no- you don’t get it” Lukas argues. Philip’s tummy twists with the nerve wracked shaking hands Lukas has.

“My dad doesn’t know jack shit. He thinks I left home just because I wanted my own place. I left because I felt guilty as shit for having a one night stand with a guy at Columbia.”

“Columbia?” Philip repeats dumbly.

“College, it was at a party,” Lukas says, continuing on “This guy I met, Erin. We didn’t click or anything it’s just-“ he waves between them weakly “happened, and nine months later he somehow found my address and dropped Emma on me. That was it, Erin never came back to visit her or anything.”

“Wow” Philip swallows. He can’t imagine somebody not wanting to see their own kid.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, his voice clear of caring. “Doesn’t matter, I got Em all to myself” he nods, eyes softening a little.

“So what happened to him?” Philip can’t help but ask.

Lukas shrugs, “who knows, some guy I seen from my old classes told me a little while ago that he’s living down Florida, all coked out and shit.”

Philip nods, “oh.” Talking about drugs was never his thing, too close for comfort.

Lukas bites his lip, “so my dad doesn’t know anything about him. He thinks I met some girl from college, Julie, I think is what I told him.”

Philip hums, allowing Lukas to speak freely.

“I said she did the same thing, dropping Emma on me. I don’t know if he believes it or not but anyways…”

Philip leans back on his elbows, raising his brows.

“He doesn’t know about you, I know you know that but like- I just don’t know how he’ll react to this.”

“This?”

Lukas huffs agitatedly, “you- me, us having kids!”

Philip flares his nose, folding his arms “don’t invite him then.” His heart is throbbing in his chest. A sting from Lukas yelling.

“It doesn’t fucking work like that. What do you expect me to say to him? Don’t come I’m hiding my pregnant boyfriend?” Lukas hisses, switching off the vacuum that he’d left running in distraction.

Philip purses his lips, his jaw tensing. “Okay,” he deadpans, folding his arms over himself.

Lukas attempts to not look at him for a second, and Philip can see the guilt written like sharpie all over his face. Lukas sighs, finally glancing at Philip.

“I’m sorry babe, I’m just.. frustrated.”

Philip pushes his pout, “no I get it.” He stares down at his tummy.

“Philip” Lukas says, voice a lot softer. “I didn’t mean to yell, I just wish things weren’t so difficult.”

Philip nods weakly, pushing himself off the couch. Even though he’s only almost half way through his pregnancy he already feels so huge, his round belly protruding inches far past his waist band. His toes that used to be visible when he’d look down no longer, now he has to bend over slightly. He walks out into the kitchen, going to the sink to wash Emma’s sippy cup out.

-

Philip nearly drops Emma’s juice all over the floor when he hears the doorbell ring.

“Shit” Lukas curses, sending Philip an alarmed look.

“It’s fine” Philip assures, handing Emma the cup quickly and pecking Lukas.

Lukas sighs, nervously tossing two of Emma’s toys back in the bin.

“Everything looks great baby, don’t worry.” Philip says, grabbing Lukas by the shirt to get his attention “We’ll be good, okay?”

Lukas hesitates for a second, then nods. “Okay” he exhales, rubbing Philip’s hip for a second before turning for the door in time for another knock.

“Coming” Lukas calls, hurrying to the door.

Philip’s heart is thumping in his throat as he pulls Emma into his arms, raising her on his hip as he waits dumbly in the middle of the living room.

The door opens at the twist of Lukas's fingers on the knob. Bo is tall, like Lukas. Sturdy, stocky, is one of the first things that Philip notices. He's definitely intimidating to say the least. “Hey Dad!” Lukas chimes. Philip relaxes more at the cheeriness that’s finally reaching Lukas’s voice. Maybe Lukas was just overthinking like Philip originally thought.

“Son” he hears Bo greet. It’s all gruff, not as tender as a parent who hasn’t seen their son in while should be.

Philip watches them lock in an embrace, Bo’s eyes staying locked on the floor momentarily and not seeing Philip.

“S’ good to see you” Lukas chuckles, patting his dad’s back good heartedly.

“Where’s the little one?” Bo asks, looking over Lukas’s shoulder and spotting Philip holding her.

“Who’s that?” is the first thing Bo says when he sees Philip.

Lukas stutters. Philip’s fingers tighten their hold on Emma.

“Uh, that’s Philip” Lukas says, like saying Philip’s name will explain who he is particularly.

“Philip?” Bo repeats.

“He was Emma’s babysitter, but now he’s uh-“

“Your roommate?” Bo asks pointedly.  

“Yeah” Lukas says. Philip bites his lip to hide the sting.

Bo glances at Philip weirdly, “you’re pregnant huh?”

“Yeah” Philip responds weakly, he feels hurt even though he understands.

Bo looks mildly disgusted, to be blunt. Lukas thankfully saves the day, “want some coffee dad?”

Luckily enough Bo’s up for coffee, he nods at Lukas. His bushy brows unfurrowing as he follows Lukas out into the kitchen.

Philip feels like he can breathe a little easier without Bo’s cold presence.

-

It’s hard.

All day Philip can’t be romantic around Lukas. Can’t give any little sign that they’re together, that the babies in his belly are Lukas’s.

It’s sort of exciting in a weird way, too. Just being sneaky, they snuck a quick, heated little make out session in the kitchen. The noises of their mouths locked away only for their ears, Lukas’s hand threaded in Philip’s hair. The sweet grab of his large hand across Philip’s jaw, that thumb digging in just right below Philip’s angel cut cheekbone.

Bo had eyed Philip peculiarly when he came out with red bitten lips, hair disheveled like a kittens and the compression of Lukas’s hand around his hip. (Thankfully the mark was hidden)

Philip smiles at him, soft, he knows Bo will need a while to come around. (If he ever does) But Philip’s trying for Lukas’s sake. It’s his boyfriend’s dad, and Lukas desperately cares about him.

Bo doesn’t return the smile, he doesn’t look fazed by Philip at all, ignores him, turning his attention completely to Emma.

Philip sighs, dropping his hands to pull his shirt down. Hiding his belly like he’s been hidden.

-

The second Philip gets alone time with Lukas is inside his office. The door clicks closed like a much awaited symphony.

“Your roommate?” Philip laughs, fake.

Lukas looks defeated already, “I don’t know how to tell him.”

Philip crosses his arms, his eyes welling up with tears. “So you aren’t going to tell him about me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You won’t” Philip says knowingly.

Lukas sighs.

Philip shakes his head, feeling conflicted and hurt about the whole thing. His mom’s so accepting that dealing with Bo’s homophobia is unexpected.

He’ll sleep in his old bedroom tonight.

-

He wakes up cold, alone. Goose bump ridden skin, Philip misses Lukas already.

-

Philip’s bladder is killer in the mornings. Something about the hormones from the pregnancy making him pee a lot. He doesn’t think much of it as he jogs to the main bathroom in the hall, cupping his lower belly so he can hold it.

Bo is surprisingly up. He’d slept on the couch. He’s approaching the bathroom as well, but Philip’s successfully beats him in time.

“Sorry,” Philip apologizes, pouting like he always does subconsciously “I really need to pee bad. Pregnancy hormones” he explains with a bashful smile, him all shuddery with the urge to go badly.

Bo doesn’t soften up like Philip thought. He just nods, neutral expression before it turns different.

“Maybe boys shouldn’t get pregnant then” Bo snarks, turning back down the hall.

Philip’s mouth falls open dumbly. His knees are still shaky and trembling even when he sits on the cold porcelain.

-

Bo’s at breakfast, of course. He’d suggested staying a couple days last night and Lukas had been more than willing. Philip realizes that Lukas sort of looks up to his dad, fears him, and wants approval of his judgement.

It’s odd. He’s not used to seeing Lukas be weak for anyone, but his dad is a different story.

Bo swallows his spoonful of plain cheerios. They look soggy and bland, they fit Bo perfectly, Philip thinks while sending him daggers.

“You know, Philip really should find his own place to stay” Bo suggests out of nowhere. Lukas coughs, giving Philip a knowing look.

“I don’t think that’s necessary” Lukas intervenes, “he needs to be close to watch Em, you know with mornings and everything.”

Bo looks still disgruntled, “I don’t like it. Some pregnant boy living with my son, it’s unethical.”

“Excuse me?” Philip finally says, his heart twinging with pain in his chest. Him and his babies being disrespected by Bo’s cold tongue.

“You heard me” Bo snipes back. His eyes are like black stone as they eye Philip down.

“Dad” Lukas says sternly, his eyes finally locking hard on Bo’s.

Bo tenses his jawline, his spoon clattering down in Lukas’s ceramic bowl.

“I don’t like it” Bo argues, tone low and icy. Philip’s skin crawls.

“Philip’s just pregnant” Lukas says.

“It’s wrong.”

Philip can’t take it. His eyes brimming heavily, the liquid hurt starting a leak down and out his brown glossy eyes.

_Fucking hormones._

“I’m sorry that if offends you that I’m pregnant” Philip says, blinking rapidly to fight the tears from falling off his lashes.

“And I’m sorry that you’ll never like your grand kids, because my babies are Lukas’s.”

The words are faster out his lip bitten mouth before he can think about them. He doesn’t catch the shocked, ‘what did you do’ look on Lukas’s face, he bolts down to Lukas’s bedroom for somewhere to comfort himself instead.

-

Lukas crosses his arms when he enters the bedroom.

“Bo left.”

Philip sniffles.

“He’s not as mad as I thought” Lukas adds.

Philip doesn’t believe him, but he rolls over in the slightest interest for Lukas’s sake instead. “What’d he say?”

Lukas exhales slowly, dipping the edge of the bed under his weight.

“It’ll take him a little bit to let that sink in, but he kind of said he was happy for us, I guess” Lukas shrugs, not looking too pleased.

Philip nods softly, “come to bed, please. Let’s just not think about that right now.”

Lukas sighs in agreement, “yeah, I could go for a nap.”

Humming, Philip pulls the long expanse of Lukas’s body atop him, running his hands up the shape of his arms. They’re tense, Philip knows all too well that Lukas is still thinking.

“Sleep with me, baby” Philip whispers softly, it seems like a whine the way Philip holds eye contact. He is always so needy, Lukas doesn’t seem to mind, instead finds comfort in it as well.

He shuts his eyes, finally entering the sleep he didn’t receive lying alone last night.


	16. Ponder

Philip slides up onto the exam table, pulling up his shirt.

“Woah” Lukas smiles, seeing his belly.

Philip sends him a look, furrowing his eyebrows “you seen my belly this morning” he points out neutrally, before breaking his façade and smiling.

“Love you” Lukas says, taking his hand and stroking between the dips of his fingers.

Philip blushes, every goddamn time too. “I love you, Lukas” he replies, his brown hues flittering up and down Lukas’s marvelous face. Lukas’s collars are wide open. Philip bites his bottom lip in distraction and looks away.

A gentle thud, two, three knocks.

“Come in” Philip calls, leaning backwards on his elbows.

Ms. Lee pops in with a smile. Philip returns it, he likes her a lot.

“Hello Philip, and Lukas” She grins, glancing down and flipping through her notepad.

“Hey” they say in unison.

She clasps her notepad closed. Standing up, she pulls on two pairs of gloves, making the familiar sticky rubber sound as she tightens them.

Philip exhales. Staring at the ceiling as his head gently hits the cheap emerald cushion of the exam table.

His heart sputters with excitement, and his lashes flutter like a birds wings. He closes his lids for a moment, enjoying the calm silence and the tell-tale sound of the ultrasound machine starting up. A soft click, then a steady thrum, low and reverberating inside the machine.

Its rhythm is soft and steady like Philip’s heart.

A gentle finger traces his ankle, and then grasps it, sweet Lukas.

“Okay Philip, you know the usual, shirt up” Ms. Lee utters softly, snicking open the bottle of gel.

He hums quietly. The gentle pads of his fingers grazing his big, round belly as he slides his shirt upward, leaving it hefted up beneath his armpits.

“Let’s see how the babies are doing.”

Icy, icy goop drops onto his belly. His stomach tenses immediately. It’s always expected but somehow surprising all at once.

“Cold huh?” Ms. Lee chuckles softly at his reaction, his eyes widened and eyebrows knitted.

“Yeah, always” he tells her, a knowing grin on his cheeks.

She pulls down her shirt sleeves, the ruffles hanging just past her elbows as she reaches for the ultrasound wand. Grasping it, she slowly presses it down, gliding it through the thick blob of gel across Philip’s planet shaped stomach.

The images pop up on the screen immediately, moving animation of his insides, his womb where his two babies are located. It’s beautiful. Philip thinks that every time. The breathy little gasp exits up his throat, that internal mothering feeling he feels. So deep, so true.

His pulse feels hot like fire beneath the shell of him. Cracking underneath like wispy flames, embers of heat trickling outwards, toasting his cheeks dewy pink.

 “They look so much bigger” Philip declares, awing at the screen.

“They do” Lukas agrees, rubbing the knob of Philip’s bony ankle.

Ms. Lee studies over them for a moment, sliding the wand with slight pressure across his milk toned skin. The cool gel making his belly shine, all glistening like he’d wiped a handful of Vaseline everywhere.

“The fetuses are looking nice and healthy” she notes. Her eyes flicker a little, “I’m assuming you still don’t want to know the genders?” she raises a brow in question.

Philip hesitates, then sucks on his lip and shakes his head. He can wait. He wants the little burst of surprise that he’ll get when he births them, and that’s one thing he’s reluctant on thinking about.

Even though Lukas tells him all the time ‘don’t worry about it’ and ‘you’ll be fine, I’ll be there’ it doesn’t help. Philip takes Lukas’s words with a grain of salt when it comes to that. Lukas won’t be the one having the deal with it. Philip can just imagine the blood. The scary inevitable pain that he’ll have to face, have to willingly endure to meet the sweet little lives that thrive inside.

It’ll be worth it. He knows that certainly.

Ms. Lee snaps a picture when she gets the wand still enough to create a nice, clean little detailed picture. So high quality that Philip can see the soft curves of his babies faces. It’s probably too early to really tell who they look like but Philip swears he can see the resemblance of Lukas’s profile on one of them. The other is more on its side, a little smaller. The slight graininess makes it more difficult to see his or hers features.

When Philip finally looks down at Lukas he sees the sun. A big, glowing smile that would knock Philip off his feet if he’d been standing. That look that eats away at Philip’s soft soul, that look that makes Philip instinctively and effectively powerless.

Love

It falls from Lukas’s lashes when he blinks. It falls from the light in his pupils when they flicker over Philip’s features like a lit lantern. All warm and bright like bulbs themselves were screwed behind them.

With sweaty palms and a fast beating heart Philip wipes his hands carelessly on his jeans, scraping oil slick fingers across scratchy denim. Lukas has his lips quirked, like he wants to say something.

His lips don’t slip.

Ms. Lee walks them out.

Lukas walks up behind him, sliding quick fingers into the back of Philip’s jeans, another hand coming to rest protectively on his waist.

Philip’s not used to the public display. Lukas is usually more casual out in public, so it’s decently surprising.

-

“Emma wait up a second” Philip calls, treading behind her in attempt at jogging after her, but she’s quick. Her little legs rumbling up the dirt as she speeds off, her in her pigtailed, toothy, innocent glory.

“Swings! Swings!” she yells excitedly, not bothering to look back for him.

Philip sighs, slowing his steps out of pure exhaustion. His belly is literally huge. Like, almost beach ball big, and since he actually hasn’t gained much weight it is even a bigger difference. Sure he gained like fifteen pounds, but it’s all evened out in at the rise of his hips that it’s not even comparable to his swell.

His converse sends a stone flying, skidding across the dirt path of the park as he advances towards the swings.

_Snap_

Philip blinks, hair rising on end at the sudden, close, sacred sound.

It was early in the morning, sun just freshly baking the earth in warmth. Flooding Philip’s vision with the early rise of its violet hues. The sun glows white.

He offers a small, friendly smile to a tiny old lady crouched by three smaller birds. She’s tossing pieces of her white bread sandwich down for them, watching them nibble with a smile.

She returns it, daring a curious glance to his tummy.

Philip continues on, seeing Emma swinging just twenty feet away. Her short legs eagerly muscling through the exertion, swinging the highest she can.

He moves to step but instead stills when a hand falls on his shoulder, tapping.

“Hello?” Philip asks, turning around in shock from the unexpected touch. His gaze falls on unwanted features.

“Stewart?”

A Cheshire smile. “Nice seeing you here, Philip” Stewart says, fixing his tie. Those quick moving eyes just as intrusive as always.

“What are you doing here?” Philip blinks, looking around. Stewart looks so out of place here. Slicked back hair and his tidy business suit on. All fancy in the midst of a small little park at six am.

He chuckles, gesturing to the coffee shop just in view. “I was taking a little stroll, and grabbing my coffee for work” he explains. Philip stares at his thick, wiry brows. All full and black, animated as he talks. Those two thin wrinkles between Stewart’s brows are soft, hazy memories of them deepening when Philip used to-

Philip swallows. Shaking those sickly, secret little reminders away, locking them down and away for a rainy day.

“Oh” Philip nods, throat dry like he dried all his saliva with a cotton ball.

“So what are you up to? Watching your kid?” Stewart asks nonchalantly, looking over to Emma.

“Yeah” Philip smiles slightly, still feeling on edge but loosening like frayed jeans. Talking about kids always does that to Philip now, makes him softer than old fruit.

With quirked lips, and that hauntingly deep resonating voice, Stewart asks “How is life going?” It’s probably just to keep the conversation going, and not what he really wants to ask. Stewart eyes are all over him, those ashy green eyes painting pictures out of Philip’s body.

The same memories Philip’s been trying to keep out of his own head are ones John’s like Stewart fantasize about.

“Pretty good,” Philip says bluntly, rocking on his heels with the visible urge to escape.

“The pregnancy any hard?” Stewart asks, looking down at Philip’s obvious belly.

“A little, not really” Philip shrugs, absentmindedly playing with a loose strand on his sleeve.

“Well I got to get my coffee and get to work” Stewart explains, that dirty grin still splayed across his cheeks as he gives Philip a final once over, towering over him like the building’s that overfill the city’s horizon.

“I’ll see you around, Philip” he chimes, waving his hand half-heartedly and turning away.

 “Bye” Philip says, folding his arms from the early autumn chilliness.

-

Philip shimmies out of his sweats, the pliant soft cotton sliding to fall at his ankles, he steps out of them.

The door to the bathroom cracks open, revealing Lukas.

Philip smiles, that soft ‘in love’ flush crawls upon his cheeks. That same electric he’s always felt with Lukas still there, like a high voltage current.

Lukas tip toes across the marble tile, his mostly clothe less skin looking creamy and beautiful. His plaid shirt unbuttoned all the way, the sliver of visible skin leaves Philip’s mind in the gutter.

Lukas takes Philip’s hand in his, turning Philip’s body towards him. “Hey there sweetheart” he whispers lowly, stroking Philip’s fleshy hip.

He’s a little self-conscious, just a smidge since he’d gained some weight. He’s not fat, he knows that, but the belly isn’t helping. His thighs and hips are doomed to stay softer than jelly with this baby weight, he thinks.

“Lukas?”

Lukas hums in question, kissing Philip’s neck softly.

“Do you still think I’m pretty?”

Philip feels the nip of teeth against his neck, a sharp, bittersweet sensation that has him arching back into him, the question falling from his brain faster than it departed his lips.

“Why would you ask that?” Lukas mumbles idly, his heated lips going back to suckling deep kisses on Philip’s neck. Love bites left like tattoos.

Philip shrugs in the embrace, his voice breathy and distant “I don’t know, I just, my ass and thighs look… fat.”

Lukas stills momentarily, a snort. “Yeah, in the best way” he states, grabbing a big handful of Philip’s swelled ass.

Philip smiles, of course he does. Fucking Lukas and his stupidly dumb charming ways.

“Good,” Philip starts, turning around in Lukas’s arms. A thin long finger pointing at Lukas’s chest, tracing down the shape of his pec “because you’ll have fun washing these thighs” he smirks, teasing Lukas’s shirt off his shoulders slowly.

Lukas looks lost in the intensity. His eyes no longer processing anything but Philip, all glazy like he’s seeing everything through a milky lense.

_Philip’s heart rolls in the grave Lukas buried it in, all sunk deep and firmly under. Lukas long ago matted the dirt down. From the deity amethysts gaze Lukas had given him when they first locked eyes carved switchblades through him. Cut him up and open till Philip had to accept the funeral of his past, street boy life. It had been the most beautiful murder. Black dahlia wouldn’t stand a chance._

_Though it’s different than that, too. Philip thrives with life on the love Lukas brings like wildfire. It burns all the bad that was drenching inside him, the mucky black invisible tar Philip long felt inking up underneath his skin. The many fingernails that used to bite the back of his neck cut him like razors. Old John whispers used to be a staccato of gunshots to the heart._

There’s a fierce, claim to the way Lukas kisses him. Like he needs to prove time and time again that Philip is his, always his. Philip doesn’t know if Lukas likes the reassure for himself or Philip.

Philip moans into it, clawing at Lukas’s skin with angry trail marks. Philip’s hands are thin boned and searching, so eager that they don’t know where to land. What part of Lukas’s pastel pale skin to touch, it could be that teasing trail of hair above his waistband. Or the sweet rise of his semi, the long expanse of his neck-

Lukas feels the same, clearly, evidently. His fingers threading through Philip’s hair with such rough vigor that Philip thinks Lukas isn’t even aware of. He yanks Philip’s head back by the soft curls near the nape of his neck, making a soft, surprised gasp reverberate up Philip’s tipped throat.

“Baby” Lukas says, cupping Philip’s face with his other large palm.

Philip eyes him like god. His brown eyes glossing up and down the slope of Lukas’s features in the most worshipping way possible.

“I love you” Philip whispers, breathe hitching in his throat as Lukas’s eyes darken even more.

A dirty, slide of Lukas’s aggressive tongue finds its way inside Philip’s mouth. Philip flicks his against the soft teasing flutter of Lukas’s.

Pulling back just half an inch to rest their foreheads together, their mouth less than a second apart, Lukas’s voice is a hushed, dirty whisper as he returns it, “love you, love you baby” he kisses, pressing them deeper and deeper like It’ll prove it physically.

“Shower” Philip reminds softly, fluttering his lashes and pushing Lukas back by the chest.

“Yeah, yeah, shower” Lukas obliges easily, shoving down his underwear in a hurry.

“That’s my boy” Philip blushes, it’s fond and sweet.

Lukas is his. The beautiful being that stands before him, the long pale hair that looks handsomely messy and those filthy eyes that tell him more at times than Lukas’s lips do _is all completely his._

Philip turns away to start the shower.

Lukas comes up from behind, his body framing over Philip’s like they were made to be glued together.

Philip can feel the coarse hairs that stand on Lukas’s legs pressing into the soft backs of his thighs. The filthy line of him hardening, and the sweet press of his palm to Philip’s side.

“Want you all the time” Lukas whispers, or groans, Philip can’t decide, but it’s perfect.

“Yeah?” Philip encourages, the softness of his bare cheeks tilting back towards Lukas’s crotch.

Lukas latches his teeth in the crook of Philip’s neck, biting down in a nipping way, his palm snaking its way around Philip’s curved cock. All flushed pink and touching his belly, white precum leaving a shine below his navel.

Lukas steps in the shower, pulling Philip in along with him.

His hand still between Philip’s legs, now giving a swift, testing tug.

Philip moans, twisting around so he can grasp as Lukas, run his hands up and down his silky wet back under the hot spray. Feeling the muscle shift and tense under his grasp through Lukas’s movements.

Lukas continues to palm him, jerking him quick and fast like he knows Philip likes.

“Feels- uhh- s’ good Lukas” Philip whines into his ear, nipping the lobe to hide a gasp.

The grip circling him tightens, and Lukas’s other hand finds its way back into his hair.

“Yeah? You like that?” Lukas scrutinizes, watching him so intensely that Philip struggles to hold his gaze.

Philip scrunches his face, mouth falling open like an over acting pornstar as Lukas slides his hand just right, and pulls the fuck out of his hair.

“Lukas!” Philip whimpers, burying his heated, slack face into Lukas’s water slick chest, water droplets sliding past his lips while his tummy breaks out into heat. Spiking like lava up his spine. He cums with a drawn out cry. His fingers flying to slide into his own mouth, biting down on them to muffle his whiny sounds while his twitching hips ride it out.

His belly is painted with his mess for less than ten seconds before the water successfully washes the creamy stickiness down the drain.

Lukas’s hand releases him, and tends to holding his fucked out body.

“How do you feel, baby?” Lukas grins, kissing his mussed up hair.

“Good, always so good… with you” Philip admits, just like all other thousands of love notes he’d already told Lukas.

Lukas smiles, sweet and warm. He’s still hard, but nonchalant enough about it to casually pop a shampoo bottle. His long fingers already soaping up Philip’s hair like always. Philip feels so relaxed, the air so warm and misty that he feels like he’s floating through the clouds.


	17. Ernie's gas station

_Twenty eight weeks_

Philip shifts his legs, nudging the blanket down with his toe to avoid the chill of the air.

Lukas is softly breathing against his neck, sending little angel huffs that humidly warms the nape of his neck. The soft press of his slack mouth there, too.

Philip’s tummy feels upset, all sore in a queasy way. He attempts to ignore it, shielding his tummy in a protective way, hoping whatever he’s feeling goes away.

It doesn’t, unsurprisingly.

Philip huffs, accidentally elbowing Lukas slightly as he rolls away. Lukas stays asleep through it, his lips letting out a small exhale.

A quick, flittering movement inside.

Philip gasps, his hand dropping to palm his belly in surprise. “What the hell, Philip thinks, staring down at his belly in shocked horror.

“Lukas-” Philip says eyes wide and alert as he shakes Lukas awake by the arm.

Lukas grumbles, his eyes blinking awake slowly, “What’s wrong?”

“The babies” Philip rushes out, looking slightly alarmed “I feel them.”

“You do?” Lukas asks, his brows knitting as his palm comes to search Philip’s belly for movement.

“No- no” Philip shakes his head, grasping Lukas’s wrist and guiding it to the spot “right there.”

Lukas’s eyebrows fly up his forehead dramatically, “whoa.”

“Yeah” Philip says, quirking an awed brow.

“They’re moving” Lukas states dumbly.

A soft smile starts on Philip’s lips at Lukas’s heartwarming expression. Soft blue eyes watching Philip like he’s the Virgin Mary or something, all amazed like Philip’s the greatest thing. Philip’s heart stains his cheeks. His pulse thumping to a slower, less erratic pace now that he’s awake enough to understand what’s happening.

“It’s that quickening thing Ms. Lee said” Philip tells him.

Lukas nods idly, his blue eyes fixed in concentration on Philip’s stomach, tentatively touching it like there’s some sort of electricity underneath that could shock him.

“Wow” Lukas gasps, and Philip hisses as a swift kick to his side sends him digging his fingers into the sheet. Not expecting the sudden flash of pain.

“Ow” Philip mutters annoyedly, rubbing his swell on the spot where one of them kicked.

Lukas rubs the undersides of his belly, softly tracing to attempt to settle the kicking.

“Does it hurt?” Lukas asks, eyes reading Philip’s face peculiarly.

“Course it hurts, they’re stepping on my goddamn bladder” Philip snipes in irritation, but his demeanor weakens when Lukas just gives him a sort of patronizing look. Like Philip’s being petulant.

“Sorry baby” Lukas apologizes anyway, leaning down to get his head level with Philip’s protruding stomach. Philip finally lets the smile that’s been wanting to reappear on his face return, watching Lukas warmly.

A soft staccato of kisses are planted like flowers to the porcelain roundness there.

“Love you… love you..” Lukas tells him between pecks.

“My angel,” Lukas whispers like a promise, his nose nuzzling the soft cocoa buttered skin.

“My babies” he says as he kisses below Philip’s belly button.

“Mine” he states firmly as his lips find their suckling way to the delicate skin that is just above the slight ache he now feels.

“All yours” Philip finally gasps. His finger nails clawing through Lukas’s hair in an instant, rubbing his scalp in the neediest way.

“Want you, want you.”

“Mm” Lukas hums, licking his skin feather like, quick and fluttery.

Lukas grips his hips between his fingers when Philip’s hips start arching up unintentionally, holding them down firmly. The fleshiness of Philip’s hips getting love scratches against them.

“Be good” Lukas whispers slickly, tonguing at Philip’s hip bone now.

“Ah-“ Philip gasps again, two of his own fingers slapping against his lips, sliding them past them.

Lukas has a filthy glint in his eye when Philip glances down, his teeth latching onto Philip’s sleeping shorts, tugging them down enough that it exposes inches more of skin.

“Phi Phi.”

Philip jerks his head to the side, seeing Emma leaning against the doorway, thumb in mouth and her teddy bear hanging out her other hand.

“Can you make me milky bottle?” she mumbles, her eyes cutely puffy.

Lukas moves away quickly, leaning back on his knees with big surprised eyes. “Emma-“

“Hey daddy” Emma smiles tiredly, her mind so pure that she doesn’t understand what they were doing, _thankfully._

Philip is on his feet in seconds, taking care of the situation by scooping her up into his arms. “Yeah sweetie, I’ll make it for you” he promises, kissing her head softly. His one hand snaking down to heft up the waistband of his shorts.

Emma rests her little head on Philip’s shoulder, softly breathing against his neck so adorably.

Philip slowly rocks her as he carries her all the way to the kitchen. He rests her down in a chair, watching her tired blue eyes slowly awaken.

“Phi Phi” she says, making Philip glance over at her as he opens the fridge.

“Yes sweetie?” Philip smiles, twisting off the milk cap.

“I want a wittle sister” Emma tells him, her eyes big like the thought itself makes her awed.

Philip stomach twists with butterflies, he sends her a warm smile “me too, angel.”

“Will I get one?” she presses, her chin now resting in her hand as she thinks deeply.

“I don’t know yet baby, hopefully, or else you’re stuck with two brothers” he jokes with her. She pouts in response, “I don’t want brothers” she mumbles grumpily.

“We’ll have to wait and see baby” he reassures, picking her back up.

-

Philip shuts the door of Lukas’s car, slipping thirty dollars into his pocket. Lukas is stood at the gas pump, idly watching the numbers roll rapidly.

“Babe, get me a pack while you’re in there” Lukas calls over his shoulder, Philip absentmindedly waves in response. He hates Lukas’s addiction to cigarettes so much. After seeing the damage they’ve done to his mom’s skin, and their old houses wallpaper, Philip completely despises them.

He saunters up to the glass door, opening it with the handle.

It’s a dingy, ‘we’ve been around since the 70’s’ type of gas station. The sign looks just as ancient, reading 'Ernie's Gas' in fading red lettering. The dirty yellow wallpaper appears like it should’ve been white. Decades ago this place needed remodeling, Philip thinks as he his converse almost presses down on old, matted black gum.

He glances up at the checkout clerk, old man, mid-fifties. Looks like he’s owned this place for too long.

 “Um, can I pay for the gas? Pump 6” Philip smiles kindly, smelling beer from the owners breathe before his lips even open.

“Sure thing,” the man glances at his register, tapping some buttons on it. “That’ll be twenty eight fifty six.”

Philip slides his fingers into his sweat’s pocket, pulling out the thirty he’d kept tucked in there. He fumbles with the wrinkly bills, straightening briefly and handing them over.

Remembering Lukas’s cigarettes, he adds “oh! And a pack of Marlboro Reds, please.”

The man stiffens a little at that, eyeing him up and down. The look turns invasive, not in a creep way, but in a police man sort of way.

He shakes his head at Philip, squinting his beady wrinkled eyes.

“What?” Philip says, folding his arms over his obscenely huge belly.

The man keeps his look firm, “I’m don’t sell cigarettes to pregnant minors.”

Philip nearly snorts, but instead leans his elbow onto the tall counter “that’s good, because I’m eighteen and buying these for my boyfriend.”

The clerk’s lips go thin, and raises a brow. “Let me see your ID.”

Philip stops himself from rolling his eyes. Instead he fishes out his ID from his pocket willingly.

“Here” he says, handing it to him.

The cashier scrutinizes at the card. Philip smiles knowingly as the guy scans it, and it shows that it’s real.

“Alright” He grumbles, annoyed because he was wrong. “Here you go” the man says, giving Philip a handful of change, receipt, and the Marlboros.

Just as Philip goes to turn he hears a recognizable voice.

“What are the odds?” Stewart grins, flashing Philip his teeth that remind him of piranhas right now.

“Hey Stewart” Philip deadpans, sighing.

“What are you doing here?” Stewart asks. That same pleased smirk deepened in his cheeks. His hand unwantedly stretching out and curling around Philip’s wrist.

“I- uh, getting my boyfriend cigarettes” Philip explains, waving the carton in proof.

Philip wishes he’d stop running into Stewart. It’s everything he wants to get away from, everything he wants to forget. It’d be much simpler if he didn’t have evidence of his past standing before him.

“Boyfriend, right” Stewart chuckles darkly, grip tightening on Philip’s wrist a little. “I wanted to take you out sometime.”

Philip nods fakely, “sometime, right. Look I gotta go, okay?” He says pointedly, removing his hand from Stewart’s grip.

“Alright” Stewart resigns, but keeps that dirty grin “see you around, Philip.”

-

Philip closes the car door, but in irritation he must’ve accidentally slammed it. Lukas gives him a curious look, and turns away briefly to lean over the arm rest and hands Emma her bottle.

The words are on the edge of his tongue. Philip wants to just get it over with. He doesn’t want to ever worry about Lukas finding out some other way, and Stewart lives far too close for comfort.

“Lukas.”

Lukas looks at him neutrally, before his eyes soften.

“Yeah baby?”

Philip’s heart feels like it’s been thrown in a trash compactor.

“I-“

Lukas is watching him warmly, patiently. His face is so beautifully sweet and loving. Philip doesn’t know if he could take the bitter disappointment that would spread upon it if these dirty, vile words left his throat.

_I used to suck off guys for money, still love me?_

So he doesn’t, his mouth shuts stupidly.

Lukas knits his brows together, a questioning look now.

“It’s nothing” Philip shrugs, faking nonchalance that he’s decently good at doing.

Lukas kisses him, and ignites the car. Not forcing Philip to spill the words, because it’s Lukas, and Lukas is so understanding.

Philip feels the ache high in chest. He stares out at the blue hues of the sky. Lukas’s blue is sweeter.


	18. Angel Basket

Philip’s hitting thirty five weeks, his tummy is enormous. He swears now that there are not planets bigger.

His ankles are swollen, all puffy and gross appearing because he’s retaining fluid apparently. He sighs annoyedly, walking like a penguin to the kitchen for something to eat. His tummy’s growling and he feels so starved even though he’d just ate an hour before, the babies are rapid munchers, Lukas says. They steal all the food he eats in no time. It’s pretty cute too, though.

“Relax angels, I’m making food” he says to them, it’s a thing he’s been recently doing. The need to express how he feels about them is too much all the time. He’s so conflicted about it. He loves them being safe inside his belly. How sweet the connection is. But he’d also love to meet them really soon, he wants to be able to kiss all over their little faces.

Philip scoops out six leftover meatballs, dropping them onto a little plate full of spaghetti sauce.

He slides it into the microwave, tapping the timer to fifty seconds. Philip recoils away from the counter when a sudden, sharp kick to his bladder has his yelping.

“Fuck-“ Philip hisses, his eyes watering a little with the way it feels like a deep stab. His fingers framing the big roundness in hopes to get them to settle, or just keep himself together.

It hurts, so bad. Philip’s never dealt with kicks this sharp, the mothering worry inside him spiking.

“Settle, please” he whispers, rubbing his tummy because it usually makes them let up.

They don’t, Philip gasps again, clutching the counter. His knuckles whitening as he pinches the hard marble top.

“Lukas” he moans in pain, not really loud, his voice filled with stressed pain.

“Ow” a sharp sudden pressure.

A soft splatter.

Philip feels a warm trickle down the sides of his inner thighs.

His heart races. He doesn’t have to see himself to know he’s ghost white. His water broke. His water broke. His broken broke.

_Panic Panic Panic_

Philip doesn’t want to register it. The gross liquid of his amniotic fluid resting between his bare feet, all wet on his toes. He wasn’t due for another five fucking weeks.

_Lukas Lukas Lukas_

“Lukas!” Philip yells this time, the internal turmoil finally sinking in.

It takes a couple seconds, and thank god, Lukas stumbles in. His face alert and confused, “what’s wrong?”

“My fucking-“ Philip cuts off, gasping for air, “water broke.”

It finally seems to click in Lukas’s head. His cheeks paling, falling to the floor at the tiny puddle.

“Fuck- Philip” he gasps, immediately striding to him and taking him by the arm. Supporting most of Philip’s weight and tentatively wrapping his arm around Philip’s waist.

“Should I- should I call my dad? Have him get Em so I can take you to the hospital?” Lukas asks worriedly. Philip can see the mental road block clear through Lukas’s eyes.

“No time-“ Philip hisses, clawing at Lukas’s shirt “it hurts.”

“Okay- okay” Lukas nods jerkedly, stumbling over his words a little. “I’ll go get Em, I’ll be right back” he promises, reassuring Philip with a quick peck to his increasingly sweaty forehead.

Philip swallows, steadying his palms back on the counter. It’s cool and hard under his hands. He tries to focus on it instead of the hurt he feels unbearably deep inside.

“Uh-“ he whines, making little noises that he can’t hold back.

Lukas reappears quickly with Emma in one arm. He grasps Philip’s upper body with his other one. Philip gets leverage to walk with Lukas holding most of his weight, it still hurts, but he has to or else he’d be giving birth in Lukas’s kitchen, neither of them want that.

Philip wants to punch something. Just to relieve the pent up stress he feels building like an itch.

He digs his nails into Lukas’s arm. Lukas can deal with scratches if Philip’s going to be dealing with the torture of pushing them out.

“Lukas” he whines, on the edge of crying.

“Shh, baby you’ll be okay, you’re okay” Lukas mumbles reassures, opening the Maserati’s door up for him. Philip’s limbs clumsily slide inside, back seat thankfully.

“Ow” he continues to moan painfully.

-

Lukas holds his hand tightly, Philip’s death gripping it. Holding it tighter than if he was falling off a cliff.

“Breathe, you gotta breathe baby” Lukas says worriedly, cupping Philip’s red face.

“I am breathing” Philip hisses, clenching his other hand in Lukas’s shirt, pulling on it so hard it makes a small sound, like tearing.

Philip gasps, his thighs widening even further on the delivery bed. Ms. Lee is supposed to be coming, but right now he’s dealing with new nurses from the hospital.

Mrs. Licio, the small Italian nurse pops the cap of a needle, and grabs an alcohol wipe. She comes over to him, “I’m going to insert the IV in” she lets him know as she rubs the wipe across his inner elbow. The blunt press of the needle barely compares to the unexplainable feeling going on inside him.

It’s so painful, so unrelenting, Philip clenches his teeth as yet another contraction goes through him.

“My mom- call her” Philip whines, burying his face into Lukas’s chest. Lukas strokes his hair, the small curls at the nape of his neck.

“Okay” Lukas nods, kissing Philip’s hair and pulling away. “You’ll be okay for a second, right baby?” Lukas asks him as he eyes the mini sign that reads ‘ **No cellphones in delivery room**.’

Philip doesn’t want to be alone. The thought itself nearly makes his heart ache, but he needs his mom just as much as Lukas.

He nods jerkedly. His head thumping back against the pillow as another sharp pain starts up.

He wants to die, or cry, maybe both if possible. It hurts worse than anything he’d ever experienced before. Those two broken fingers he’d gotten as a kid when he’d accidentally slammed his hand in Todd’s car door aren’t anything in comparison. This is like having a metal weight in his womb, all heavy and cramping inside.

“Uugh” he moans, all pained and full of the ache he feels in his spine. The contractions are an unstoppable building cramping surrounding his pelvis area and lower back.

Mrs. Licio stops near his  legs, she pulls the medical gloves she’d just pulled on higher onto her wrists. “I’m going to test your dilation now” she says idly, her arm reaching in between his legs, her one finger pressing inside. It’s just slightly awkward, not really anymore. He’s too used to checkups and being invaded to care, and with this amount of pain distracting him there’s no complaining.

“Hmm” she hums in concentration, adding a second finger. It feels gross and a little twinge of pain from his insides being all sore.

She pulls them out, glancing up at his face “your cervix is opening quite well” she tells him, “in about seven more centimeters you’ll be ready to start pushing, so I’m going to leave you for a bit. You should try moving around a little, it’ll help the babies drop” she explains, throwing out the gloves she’d used and exiting.

Philip inhales noisily. Grasping at the sheets in hopes it was Lukas instead.

Lukas pops in like he heard Philip’s internal call.

“Anne’s coming” Lukas promises, skidding a chair near the top end of the bed. He plops down, his hand automatically finding Philip’s curled one. Philip’s clutches it immediately, like Lukas is a life force that’s holding him all in one.

“It hurts so bad” Philip whines, now grasping at Lukas’s shoulders, his neck, bringing their face together in a much needed closeness.

Lukas is everything he needs. A human medicine that fixes Philip every time.

Their foreheads are pressed together, Lukas’s palms on both of his cheeks, “you’ll be okay baby, my sweet baby” Lukas hushes against his lips. His fingers tracing softly on his cheekbones.

“Promise?” Philip asks, panting and sweaty. He feels like he’s so nastily wet all over, like a fever but cold and chilly too.

Lukas smooth’s Philip’s sweaty bangs off his forehead, kissing the skin there. He nods, stroking Philip’s chin.

Philip drops his hands from Lukas, fumbling with the helping rail on the side of the delivery bed, he glances up at Lukas “help me up.”

Lukas does, of course, his hands threading under Philip’s armpits, pulling him gently out of bed and holding up all his weight as he places Philip down on his toes.

“The nurse-“ he gasps, as more sharpness rolls through “said I need to-“ _ouch_ “-walk.”

Lukas glances over him, nodding, “okay.” Philip keeps himself up by wrapping an arm around the back of Lukas’s’ neck, stumbling a little on wobbly legs as pain courses through him.

“Fuck-“ he gasps, his palm dropping to rub at his belly, he looks up at Lukas, wide eyed and his eyebrows tense “Lukas…” he whines, rubbing his cheek against his sleeve “it hurts so bad.”

Lukas hums, stroking his arm to calm him a little. “You think you can walk without my help?” Lukas whispers, knowing that the baby will drop quicker if Philip is actually moving by himself.

Philip inhales deeply, his face splotchy red from the intensity of it all. “Yeah- I’ll try.”

Looking down at his belly, then at his toes, he attempts to steady himself, finally nodding for Lukas to let go.

“Okay, start slow” Lukas whispers, rubbing his shoulder briefly.

Philip takes a step, every movement making pained noises leave his throat. When his hands finally press at the hospital wall, he leans onto it, looking down at his belly as he jaggedly breathes through his nose. His teeth are bared as he grits them, a deep, cramping in his lower back has him reeling for air. The contractions are getting so strong it’s getting hard to expand his lunges, too focused on the alleviating ache inside.

“Lukas- Lukas- Lukas” he pants, needing him immediately as his knees start to weaken.

Loving hands come to wrap around his hips seconds later, keeping him up and sturdy. “I got you baby, it’s okay.”

“My mom- I need her” Philip says, voice cracking in pain.

“She’s coming, shh” Lukas attempts to reassure.

Philip wants this to end quicker. He wants the babies to drop lower now. The thought of the babies arriving cuts through the pain for a fleeting moment. It’s reassuring enough that Philip knows the pain is entirely worth it. The deep maternal instinct to hold them increasing impossibly more the harder Philip thinks about it.

When he looks up at Lukas he sees pure love in his eyes. It’s slight slow motion for a descending, long second. Then it’s a different pain that runs through him more jolting than electric. The shift that digs the worst ache into his lower spine.

“Ahh- ow” Philip hisses through clenched teeth, clutching Lukas’s shoulder with short bitten nails. He pants open mouthed, inhaling lungful’s of air when the babies allow him to.

“I can- I can walk” Philip tries, unclasping his still tense fingers from Lukas’s sleeve.

“Be careful” Lukas warns, softly grazing Philip’s bare thigh with his hand.

Philip takes a deep breathe. Steadying himself on his toes and taking a slow step forward. It sends a shooting pain through his pelvis, a slight movement inside. Philip clenches his fist, exhaling and taking two more steps. He stops momentarily to practice breathing, the pain is mind numbing. Increasingly getting worse and Philip’s not sure if he could move if he wanted to.

“Lukas“ Philip moans, tears springing at his eyes. “This fucking- ahh- hurts” he hisses through his teeth.

“I’m sorry” Lukas says apologetically, immediately stepping towards him and wrapping his arms back around him.

“Bed- bed” Philip whines. His back fucking aches.

“Hurts so bad” he nearly sobs, trying to hold it together. Philip bites down on his fist as Lukas settles him back into the delivery bed.

The door of the ER room swings open, the nurse Mrs. Licio sliding back in.

“How are we doing?” she smiles softly, striding over to the bed quickly.

“Pain-“ Philip grits out, closing his eyes tightly. Lukas purses his lips whilst watching Philip in pain. His lengthy fingers sliding across his skin, carding Philip’s matted hair off his forehead. The strands all slick with sweat and stuck together.

“The IV drip should kick in soon” she tells him, grabbing two pairs of new gloves from the hospital counter. After sliding them up onto her wrists she comes around the bottom of the bed to peer back between his legs. Philip shudders helplessly as more contractions run through him like a freight train.

 She uses to fingers to test inside him, scissoring around to see if his cervix is dilated enough. Nodding a little to herself, she adds another. “You’re moving along quite well” she furrows her eyebrows as she decides on a number, “three more dilations to go and you can start pushing, Ms. Lee should be here shortly. I’ll be back in just a moment” She promises as she descends from the room, leaving with a kind smile.

“Lukassss” he groans, his face scrunching and his thighs splaying wider as the ache becomes unbearable. The slide of the babies coming down, it’s the actual worst.

Lukas grasps his hand, pressing his soft lips to it and murmuring “I love you” against it.

The double doors swing open again. Anne, thankfully. Philip nearly lets out a sob when he sees her.

“Mom-“ he gasps, scratching his nails down the stark white sheets.

Anne looks windblown, her hair all frizzy and messy like she ran down the hall to get inside here. “Philip, baby. How are you feeling?” she runs over to him, briefly glancing at Lukas with an excited smile.

“Jesus-“ Philip hisses, “this sucks” he complains, big eyes. His whole body flushed with the exertion.

She nods, gently stroking his arm. Her eyes sweet and shining as she looks down at him “I know sweetheart, keep breathing through your nose.”

“I am” Philip promises, face all red in anguish, grasping as her hands.

Ms. Lee and Mrs. Licio bustle back through the doors. “Hey Philip, how are you doing?” Ms. Lee asks, her hair in a bun like she just rushed over here after getting out of her casual clothes.

“He’s doing great” Anne answers for him, kissing his sticky forehead.

Ms. Licio reappears between the splay of his thighs, her four fingers coming to fit inside easily. She glances up, nodding at Ms. Lee. “He’s ready to push.”

Philip’s heart is beating heavily in his ears, his throat. Everything washing down, splashing against the shore of his brain. _The babies are coming. The babies are coming. The babies are coming._

Philip almost smiles through the pain.

He nods jerkedly instead, “okay.”

Lukas has a stupid grin plastered on his face. It’s the most glorious beam of light Philip’s ever seen. He looks down at Philip like he’s everything right now. Philip feels powerful. Giving life is the most powerful thing someone can do.

“You can do it baby” Lukas whispers an encouragement.

Philip keeps eye contact with Lukas’s while Ms. Lee props his legs in the stirrups. His gown falling open more and he finally feels freer. They’ll be here soon, his heart soars with devotion.

It still aches, terribly if he’s being honest. So bad he’s nearing the edge of tears. His eyes getting watery as he feels the shift of them getting so low and the rapid pain course through him.

“They’re- ah- coming” he whimpers, attempting to open his thighs impossibly wider.

Ms. Lee nods, tightening up her gloves. “Okay Philip,” she starts, gently pressing down on his belly to feel, “on the count of three you’ll need to give me a good push, okay?”

Philip flares his nose as he exhales, nodding against the pillow.

“Good” she smiles, tapping his thigh as she begins counting “1…2…3 and push.”

Philip curls up, using all his internal muscles to push down hard. It sends a quaking ache through him, punching all the air out of his lunges.

“That’s good” She encourages, “again, 1…2…3”

His mom somewhere through the thick fog of torture touches his shoulder softly, saying in an awed tone “I’m so proud of you baby.”

Philip gasps breathlessly, his eyes leaking tears tracks down to his ears. Everything hurts, every bone and muscle in his body aches with the need to birth them.

“Okay, exhale,” she nods when he does, “good, now 1…2…3”

He listens to her order yet again, his throat reverberating up a sob from it as he feels himself open wider down there, one of them nearing to exit.

“There’s crowning” Mrs. Licio smiles, sending him a reassuring look.

Anne looks gloriously proud, “I can’t believe this is happening!” she squeals, looking in between his legs.

She glances up, her expression completely awed. “Philip! I see one of them!” she says with her voice dripping excitement.

Lukas looks just as enthusiastic, going back and forth from looking down at the progress and holding Philip’s hand. His eyes flittering over Philip like he’s the most amazing creature in existence.

“You’re amazing” Lukas tells him, soft voice like he’s in complete adoration.

Philip wants to scream, the stretch becoming unbearable. The feeling so blindingly painful that he can’t describe it. He vaguely hears Ms. Lee count but his vision is blurry too, all foamy white now. His eyes clenched closed as he bears down hard, every single muscle tense and the most foreign slide of the baby exiting out.

He sobs openly as the pain comes crashing down, rolling through him before cutting through with a small relief. A loud cry, earth shattering and it seals Philip’s delicate heart.

Philip hears a cascading of voices, Anne’s cooing, Lukas’s amazed “oh my god!” and Ms. Lee and Mrs. Licio’s quick congratulation.

Ms. Licio takes their squealing little ball of life into her arms. Philip can see just the back of the baby’s head. His soul flutters warmly before it’s wrecked with a coursing contraction. The reminder that this isn’t over just yet.

“Okay Philip, again, 1...2…and 3!” she helps, coaxing his thighs apart more with her rubber gloved hands.

“Yeah,” she presses on his belly, feeling where the 2nd baby is located. “This one is nice and low too, give me another push Philip.”

Philip grits his teeth, his brows knitting together as he pushes down hard. “Ahhh!” he whimpers out brokenly, biting his lip till it takes slightly coppery.

Two steady streams of tears fall from his lashes, running down his cheeks as he tenses back up again. Pushing and pushing and-

Another beautiful squeal. Philip’s sobs with relief, his body wracking with it.

“They’re here!” Ms. Lee announces, scooping the newly born one in a towel as well.

Philip pants for a few seconds, trying to catch his breathe.

Lukas straightens up, a huge grin plastered beautifully to his cheeks. “So what do we have?”

Ms. Licio comes back towards them with their first born in her arms, “a baby girl.”

Ms. Lee smiles softly, wiping gently at their baby, as she glances down “and….. this one’s a boy!”


	19. The key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a teeny update, hope you enjoy anyways <3

The babies are beautiful. Two tiny little beings of sweetness wrapped up in each of Philip’s arms, he’s still lying in the hospital bed, two days after he’d had them.

Bridgette is lively, doe eyed and loud. She had screamed her little head when she first entered the outside world. Her eye color is blue, like Lukas’s. However their little boy Andy has the brownest eyes, he looks exactly how Philip looked at birth.

Philip’s swooning over them, his gaze flittering across their soft tiny features with love. Lukas is temporarily down the hall, getting him and Philip coffee from the little prepared coffee pot.

Andy gurgles up at him, his eyes going squinty like he’s about to start crying again.

“Awe no, shh little baby” Philip attempts to coo him before he burst out in tears. A loud, reverbating sob comes rumbling up Andys throat, Philip sighs and strokes his arm with a finger. Now impatiently waiting for Lukas to return so Lukas can get Bridgette and Philip can deal with Andy’s crying.

He gently rocks him in his one arm while Bridgette sleeps curled up in his other. The door makes a sound, a thud of Lukas entering. Philip smiles softly at his luck, and at Lukas’s cute expression.

“Crying again?” Lukas points out with a soft tone, placing their paper cups down on the counter. Philip’s lunges fill with the scent of the sweet aroma, the steam rising out the mini mouth holes.

“Yeah, I guess he’s tired again” Philip says, watching Lukas scoop Bridgette up in his arms.

Andy continues to cry even though Philip now has the leverage to properly rock him. Philip furrows his brows, looking up at Lukas. “Didn’t you just change his diaper a half an hour ago?”

Lukas glances at the clock, nodding, “yeah.”

Philip furrows his brows, “I guess he’s hungry” he says, glancing down at Andy’s scrunched face. Andy’s mouth sends out another wail. Philip’s ear drums ache from the screeching. He makes a shushing noise, and untucks his hospital sleeve down.

“It’s okay Bridge your brother is just hungry” Philip can hear Lukas mumble to Bridgette quietly. Philip smiles softly, at Lukas’s little nickname for Bridgette and the way Andy quiets down peacefully as his mouth latches around Philip’s nipple.

“Ouch” Philip yelps, feeling the sharp rub of Andy’s teeth against his skin. “No biting sweetie” he whispers, stroking Andy’s short, soft little curls down.

They’re brown, so is Bridgette’s hair.

-

Philip feels like he’s been hit by a train when he lies down. His lower body is sorer than a black bruise, and his tummy still rounded like there’s something inside filling up that empty space. It’s weird to think that there isn’t. But it’s better now, maybe less safe and reassuring, but still better to have them outside, real, existing, breathing. Philip trusts Lukas entirely with them. The careful way he holds them is heart stuttering, Philip chokes on words when he sees Lukas like that.

Lukas creeps into the bedroom mere seconds later, a small smile on his face when he spots Philip still awake.

“How are they?” Philip asks immediately, so protectively maternal.

Lukas has a knowing expression, he chuckles. “They’re fine. I got both asleep, thankfully.”

Philip’s mouth drops, “how’d you manage to do that?”

Lukas drops his shirt on the side of the bed, his elongated body crawling next to Philip’s. A soft rub of Lukas’s thumb against his lip, “I have my ways” he mumbles halfheartedly, his eyes focused on Philip’s lips.

Philip nudges him down by the neck, prompting Lukas’s mouth to touch his.

Lukas doesn’t budge, and grins instead. “Baby.. I was thinking-“

Philip stops, and moves the hair from his own face so he can look into Lukas’s gaze clearly. “What?” He asks, his eyes running up and down Lukas’s face like a playground. His beauty is easily distracting.

“Your mom-“ Lukas starts, and stops briefly as Philip arches up to kiss him. Lukas presses his hand lightly to Philip’s chest, palm down and flat against his heartbeat.

“What about my mom?” Philip smiles, all dopey and hopeful that Lukas will spit the words out so Philip can finally get the kiss he wants.

“I think she should move in” Lukas finally says, his lashes fluttering against his cheekbones prettily.

Philip’s eyes widen, lighting up like Christmas lights. “Wow…. Lukas” Philip states slowly. Every time Philip swears Lukas can’t get any more perfect he somehow does.

Lukas chuckles softly at his awed expression, touching his cheek sweetly “she should. We have a guest room perfect for her.”

His cheeks heat up. Philip misses living with his mom so much. Having her live with his newly made family would be everything he could ask for. Lukas is his personal savoir. Shaped him in a way that Philip finally feels like he understands what he needs to be, where he needs to be. Here, home, safe in Lukas’s arms with their newborns coddles peacefully in their freshly put up cribs.

“Okay,” Philip nods, brushing their lips together “thank you… Lukas” he whispers, looking at him with heavy lids. Then shutting them completely while their lips chastely kiss.

Lukas smiles into it. Philip gets stabbed with sunlight it beams.

“I love you so much” Lukas whispers, his thumb digging into Philip’s chin.

Philip slides on top of him, wrapping his arms tightly around the back of Lukas’s neck. “I love you too” Philip returns, voice slightly muffled with the press of his face against Lukas’s firm pecs. Lukas’s heartbeat thudding like a dull drum beneath his skin, nice and steady that it soothes Philip like a lullaby.

-

Philip wakes up alone, all groggy and sore. He hears Lukas. Soft, yet so distinct, singing through the airwaves of the baby monitor. Philip pushes himself up on his elbows, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with one hand.

His feet thud quietly on the wood of the floor, and it’s weirdly cold on his toes. He shivers slightly, holding his arms as he softly steps down and out into the hall.

He enters the slight noise of the babies bedroom, seeing Lukas sat in the rocking chair cradling Bridgette in his arms.

“Morning baby” Philip yawns, stretching his limbs.

“Hey sweetie” Lukas greets, gentle tone so it doesn’t disturb Andy’s sleep.

Philip strides over to where Lukas and Bridgette are sat, making grabby hands for their daughter. “Can I see her?” Philip whispers, his heart swelling just by looking at her beautiful features. Lukas swears they look exactly like Philip but Philip can argue that Bridgette has Lukas’s nose. It is softly curved up like an angel, Philip has the urge to kiss it.

He does, when Lukas slowly hands her over.

“I just changed her, but she might be a little hungry.”

Philip glances down at her, she looks pretty content. “You think so? She looks tired.”

Lukas chuckles softly, rubbing at his own tired eyes. “I’ve been giving her the formula since the hospital. I’d think I’d know.”

Philip rolls his eyes, a playful smile sliding onto his lips. “Okay, number one dad” Philip teases, giving Lukas a wet peck on the cheek as he undoes his own shirt.

“Shut up” Lukas laughs, softly grazing Philip’s waist with his the dry pads of his fingertips.

-

Philip pulls the stuffed in mail out the mailbox, closing it absentmindedly while he checks to see if he got any mail. He flicks through it, thumbing out the only envelope for him. It’s a little crinkled, and no return address. He furrows his brows, placing the stack of envelopes down briefly on Lukas’s brick step so he can open it.

Inside it is their house key they leave under the doormat. Philip’s nerves rise.

A surprising clatter, he glances up. Mrs. Todd watering her bushes mere feet behind Lukas’s fence.

“Hey” Philip smiles. She must’ve placed it in their mailbox. “Thanks” he adds, waving the key.

She smiles back at him, waving “hello Philip.” She peers over at their potted plants, “the tulips are looking lovely.”

He blushes, nodding “yeah, Lukas and I’ve been watering them well.”

She nods with a soft smile, picking up her garden cutters. “I can tell. Have a good day!” She waves him off, obviously busy with her task.

Philip gives her a grin, turning away and picking the mail back up into his arms.


	20. Choked up

Anne cooks them her all-time favorite meal in thanks, spaghetti.

It’s good, hot and just perfectly tender. Lukas must think so too, because he hums when he takes his first bite.

Anne has a shy smile on her face. Just like the one Philip sometimes carries. It’s genetic, and probably something to do with being from the projects and always having that ache of feeling undeserving.

“This is so good,” Philip nearly moans, taking another greedy bite into the tomato bits and garlic oil lathered on the noodles.

She stops eating to respond, wiping her mouth and looking somehow even more bashful. “I always make spaghetti” she brushes off, looking down at her plate with heated cheeks.

“It is really good” Lukas seconds, nudging Anne’s shoulder kindly.

His mom grins, finally looking up. “Thank you, sweetie” she says whilst gently rubbing the top of Lukas’s hand. Philip watches their interaction with a fluttery stomach. Something about Lukas and his mother bonding he’ll never get used to. It feels unreal to finally find someone he’s proud to show to his mom, someone who treats him right, takes care of him.

And his mom, well, she looks amazing.

Her hair seems to somehow be less dull. She’d started her rehab therapy sessions a couple weeks ago even though she has been willingly staying away from heroin for six months. This is the longest she’s ever gone without it that Philip’s seen.

He’s overwhelmingly proud of her. Every inch of him buzzes with pure glee when he thinks about her getting healthy. Her smile seems brighter, too. Her eyes light up now when she talks. They used to be faded, dim like the drugs knocked all her lights out. Maybe they did, then, but not now.

Philip looks down at his plate, twirling his fork into a 360 circular motion to gather a clump of noodles onto it. He brings it to his mouth, sliding the spaghetti past his teeth and chewing.

A distant, faint wail comes echoing from the hall.

Lukas is the first to clear his throat, standing up with a polite “excuse me.”

Philip taps his hip in appreciation when Lukas strides past like the good dad he is. That’s his beautiful husband-

_Wait_

Boyfriend, but husband felt right.

_Better, actually_

Philip blushes at the mere thoughts, shaking them away and continuing to chow down his mother’s delicious meal.

Anne looks up with a curious expression. Obviously Philip’s been showing too much through his expression. He fakes a simple smile, and hides the soft lovey dovey feeling that’s really webbing its self inside.

-

Philip’s got his body back. He notices, standing idly in the mirror whilst twisting and turning. He loves it. He missed it so much. Not that it was more important than having his babies but at least Lukas had been gracious (and smart) enough to buy him a huge supply of cocoa butter when the twins had first started growing inside him.

A soft smile falls on his lips without even realizing it. He feels actually confident, which surprises him. That’s something he’s never been used to. Lukas does that sort of thing. He made him actually feel wanted, useful and needed. When they had first met Philip had needed that the most. It still itches thinking back to it.

The gutter days, the days where he’d accidentally scrape his knees on broken beer bottle shards while giving some thirty year old an alleyway blowie.

It digs, even deeper than the piece of glass that actually managed to get lodged in there. It was tiny and healed over with a small scar, but Philip still knew it was there. It doesn’t hurt. But it is a reminder. A permanent, deeper than just flesh reminder.

He rubs at it with his thumb subconsciously, imagining that pang of sharp pain he’d got when it first cut through, right above the kneecap.

It’s just flat, smooth skin. Philip exhales. At least he can pretend it’s gone.

He hears the faint creek of the bedroom door opening. Philip doesn’t glance back, he stares harder into the mirror. Wondering if his lips are actually that shade of pink or if it’s just the lighting.

“What are you doing?” Lukas asks, voice too close. It makes him jump like a scared cat. The baby hairs on the back of Philip’s neck standing on end from the heated breathe of Lukas’s lips brushing over them.

“Lukas- jeez” Philip yelps, turning around abruptly and pushing Lukas back annoyedly by the chest.

“What, did I scare you?” Lukas jokes, softly laughing.

Philip rolls his eyes, “yes, clearly, you dick.” Philip feigns seriousness, but his lips spread softly into a faint smile anyways.

“Mhmm” Lukas shushes, leaning in to kiss him. His bold, blue eyes fall closed. All sure that he’ll receive what he wants.

Philip feels just stubborn enough to press his pointer finger to Lukas’s lips, pushing him away.

Lukas blinks his eyes open in confusion. When he realizes Philip’s intentions he kisses Philip’s finger, making Philip look dumbly at his hand.

“You don’t have to kiss me, I can kiss everywhere else” Lukas teases in a slick whisper, grasping Philip’s bony wrist in hand and peppering kisses across the white knobs of his knuckles. The soft skin on top where the blue of his veins show through slightly, delicate flesh transparent and thin like a rose petal.

Philip gasps softly at the sensation, inwardly feeling his barrier trembling down.

Lukas doesn’t say anything. And continues his path up Philip’s arm, stopping at the sensitivity of his inner wrist and sucking down on it.

“Trying to give me a hickey?” Philip bites out, a weak attempt at being snarky.

“Maybe” Lukas replies noncommittedly. More focused on nipping Philip’s skin.

 “Lukas” Philip whispers out, soft and wanton enough to get Lukas to stop his movements and look up.

“Let me-” Philip insists, grabbing Lukas’s forearms and pulling him up from the somewhat leaning position he was in.

Lukas nods with a jerk of the head, waiting. He’s soft eyed, watching Philip like he’s in slow motion.

Philip pulls back slightly, dropping his head to look down. Between them he sees his own naked body, the rosiness poking up at his stomach. It’s almost embarrassing how easy he gets around Lukas. Lukas is clothed, somewhat. His shirt buttoned with a couple of them actually done up, and the jeans he wears so often already unzipped like Lukas had this planned all along.

Philip bites his lip in thought, his fingers curiously finding their way to the metal. Fiddling with it nonchalantly as he looks up through hooded eyes. “Was this your plan all along?”

Lukas snorts, his adam’s apple bobbing as he chuckles softly. “I was actually planning on taking a shower but then I seen you..” He trails off, eyeing Philip up and down like he’s the goddamn walking buffet.

“Really, then you saw me and couldn’t wait to touch?” Philip teases, letting his finger glide across the bulge of Lukas’s semi filling out beneath the surface of his jeans, than quickly pulling them away.

“Wanted to kiss you” Lukas corrects. His face easy, lips softly curled. His eyes say otherwise, all dark and intensely focused in on Philip.

Philip pouts, playful because Lukas easy to tease. He might hide it behind his façade, but Philip knows better. Lukas is just as weak in the knees for this as he is for him.

“Oh, so you didn’t want this?” Philip whispers, his words rolling like a snake vibrating Its tongue. He grabs both of Lukas’s hands by his veiny wrists, guiding them to the rise of his hips.

Lukas cups his body, but shakes his head with a dirty grin. “Course not” he says sarcastically, leaning in with that doofus smile that Philip can’t help but let his heart latch on to.

Being tired of his own game, Philip leans up onto the tips of his toes, webbing his arms around Lukas’s shoulders and opening his gentle mouth pliantly against Lukas’s. A soft “ooph” sound leaves his throat when they connect. Their tongues slippery and fleeting against each other’s, it’s tender yet dirty and Philip feels like he’ll _never_ get enough.

Lukas’s lengthy hands explore, like usual. Sliding up his sides, fingers rubbing gentle traces across his thin chest. Moon pale flesh turning faint pink as Lukas’s tickles down his ribcage. The palms of his callused hands ending where they always do, Philip’s thighs, then greedily up to the curve of his ass. Philip’s groans into Lukas’s mouth as Lukas kneads the flesh, Philip can feel the sweet dig into the easy flesh between the pressure of Lukas’s fingers.

Philip lets out a small sound in surprise, breathily as Lukas tugs on the fat swell of his bottom lip greedily. It hurts, the right kind of sting. Sweet love bites is their trademark.

Philip claws at him, wanting to leave his red trail of marks too. From his shoulders, down his long, slender back. He can feel the muscles ripple as Lukas shifts, his fingers latching onto the backs of Philip’s lean legs, lifting him up like he weighs nothing. Philip has a grin tinging his cheeks, he hides it in the crook of Lukas’s neck, and grips onto Lukas’s shoulders for support.

“This what you had in mind?” Philip says, licking his lips without thinking, his neediness showing through his body motions. The wet laxness of his mouth, his legs falling open easy against the pliable sheets.

Lukas nods, grinning all soft and smitten at him. Philip nearly laughs at how fond Lukas looks, but his throat catches it as Lukas slides on top of him, pushing one of his thighs directly up. The smooth top of his thigh pressing into his belly, knee digging in and all.

Lukas presses his skinny hips between Philip’s slender legs, propping them up around his waist with tenderly slow hands. Lukas rests his palm down on the undersides of Philip’s milky pale thighs, holding them softly with his thumbs digging in. Philip cracks a sweetheart smile when Lukas kisses him, feeling Lukas’s lips brush accidentally against his teeth.

Lukas slides his lips downwards, grazing Philip’s jaw with the blunt nip of his teeth before going back up, peppering chaste wet kisses along Philip’s cheek. When they end up below the dip of his jaw Philip whimpers at the surprising suction there.

“Want you” Philip whimpers out a plea, gasping like he’s already out of breathe at the ceiling. His skinny fingers twisting into Lukas’s hair as he leaves a pleasing sore mark there.

Lukas pulls back when he’s done, getting eye level with Philip and staring him down possessively. Philip bats his lashes against his high cheekbones as he flicks his eyes down. Staring interestedly hard at the hollow of Lukas’s throat, and the sharp rise of his collarbones.

Taking his turn, Philip latches his nimble mouth to the curve of Lukas’s throat, feeling him swallow with a fluttery movement as Philip sucks down on his jugular. Hopes high to leave a nice pretty purple hickey there. Lukas groans, soft and shuddery from his pale pink lips. The faint sound making Philip’s heartbeat pulse faster in his dick. His fingers shaky as they make work of undoing Lukas's button up completely, easily pulling the loose material off his arms.

“Want me?” Lukas exhales out, voice hoarse and low. Philip’s body shivers like Lukas poured ice on him.

Knowing better than to play around, because Lukas will take his goddamn time till Philip gives in anyway, he replies with soft moan “m’ yes.” Making it even breathier for the porny effect it gives Lukas, feeling the faint dig of Lukas’s crotch in his inner thigh.

Lukas presses forward into him, grinding down into Philip’s splayed legs. He’s fucking forward repetitively like the softness of Philip’s thighs is anywhere close to the warm silkiness of his hole.

Philip bites back a knowing smile as Lukas stretches over him, his long arms fumbling around in their end table’s upper drawer.

He clings to Lukas’s forearm as Lukas shifts back into place, looking up at those dark blue eyes with hazy lust filled irises. Watching Lukas pop the plastic cap of their strawberry scented lube open.

“Mmm” Philip purrs, settling his thighs further apart, and grabbing onto Lukas’s hip bone for something to anchor himself down with. Otherwise he feels like he’ll melt into a puddle of mush, so ready for this since he’s gotten out of the hospital. They had successfully stuck out the ‘no sex for six weeks’ thing and Philip feels like he’s dying for it.

Lukas nuzzles his jawline with the bump of his nose, his lube drenched finger circling Philip’s puckered rim, slowly pressing softly inside. Philip hums, nudging Lukas with the heel of his foot in the back of his thigh, insisting for more.

“Greedy” Lukas chides fondly, pressing two fingers in deftly.

Philip whimpers as Lukas’s pointer finger rubs his spot, applying more pressure to it with a filthy smirk as he cockily watches Philip keen.

“F- uck” Philip moans brokenly, his lunges hitching in his chest, his tummy sunk in and ribs all showing with the lack of breathing.

“Right there baby?” Lukas teases, sliding them in deep and holding it there, rubbing his little bundle of nerves with constant motion. His middle finger crooking inside, Philip’s walls feel a slight stretch from the sudden twist, he whines, jerking his head back against the easy give of the pillow.

“Lukas, come on” he groans, desperately wanting something thicker, wider. He clenches his eyes shut and his hole around Lukas’s roaming fingers.

A soft bubble of laughter rises from Lukas’s throat, Philip opens his eyes in lazy slits.

“Look at you” Lukas whispers, cradling Philip’s inner thigh with one large palm, the other still busy finger fucking deeply inside him.

“So pretty baby” Lukas says, hand abandoning his thigh to grasp the baby fat of his cheek.

Philip’s cheek is mushed slightly, his lashes rubbing against Lukas’s soft tracing fingers when he blinks.

Lukas removes his fingers from his body, too. Philip nearly whimpers pathetically at the emptiness, almost. Softly whining instead as he clings to Lukas’s upper body, Philip needing the closeness of his warmth, the hot feeling of Lukas firmly on top of him.

Lukas noses at his collarbone, the fleeting touch rising goosebumps across the olive pale of his skin.

Lukas leans his weight on one arm, the other snaking down to wrestle his jeans past his hips. It gets shoved to wrinkle at his knees, than he successfully jostles them off.

They thud flatly when they plop on the floor. Philip moans at the sound like Lukas touched him. So eager for him it’s past something he’s shy about.

Lukas seems to feed off the clinginess anyways, looking smug as ever as his hand finds its way into Philip’s hair, twisting in the curls and firmly tugging. Philip’s lower body feels on fire, his mouth feels swollen too, all vocal and full of stolen gasps without him purposely trying.

Lukas’s cock bumps against his, nudging tall against Lukas’s stomach. Philip still gets that awe feeling when he sees it. That rush of excitement in the pit of his belly that he gets to have Lukas like this, only him and nobody else.

Philip takes Lukas into his already slick hand, damp and sweaty from clutching the sheets earlier.

The grip is looser than he’d use on himself, but Lukas is wider and fills out his hand perfectly. Lukas moans softly in his ear, exhaling hot breathe over him. His hips cant forward and thrust slightly, like Lukas can’t help but fuck into his hand.

“Condom” Philip stutters out, sliding his hand tighter, feeling Lukas slicken his hand more immediately.

Lukas nods, a quick jerk of his messy hair. Philip strokes the tense muscles in Lukas’s forearm, feeling them ripple as he shifts to grab the unopened latex condom.

Philip’s love-struck as he watches Lukas’s face, like he’s staring at him through a milky lense. All soft and faded out like old film bleached out through sunlight.

Lukas tears the wrapper open with his teeth, Philip bites down on his plush bottom lip in anticipation.

The squeakiness of the rubber makes a tiny noise as Lukas rolls it all the way down.

Philip unlatches his teeth from his lip, mouth already feeling red and raw. Lukas must notice too, his fingers dragging the fatness of his bottom lip down. Then pressing into the fluttering pink of his tongue. Philip feels soft, like ice cream that wants to melt away in Lukas’s hands. Lukas’s fingers taste good, a tinge of sweat and sweetness of lube and that even softer scent of Philip’s hole. Lukas groans like Philip’s on his knees for him, sucking him down instead of just his digits.

“Ready?” Lukas grips the underside of his knobby knee, keeping him bent in half as Lukas guides his cock to Philip’s needy hole with the other.

Philip takes a deep breathe, body feeling like it’s overheating with the crazed way he needs Lukas right now. Needs him where he belongs, where they become one.

“Please… Lukas” Philip whines, hole clenching uselessly as Lukas rubs the heat of his tip against it. Even through the condom Philip swears he can feel Lukas’s heartbeat thudding hard there.

Lukas doesn’t make him wait, hungrily latching his lips sharply at his jaw and keeping his legs perfectly spread, he guides in.

It feels like he was hit, punched the air out him. Every time he feels winded when Lukas does this, like the stretch of him is the most amazing, literal breathtaking feeling. It feels indescribable. The empty ache he’s used to completely vanished, all filled up even before Lukas is half way in.

“God” Lukas hisses, his hips stuttering forward as he clenches his eyes closed. He looks blissful as he edges in Philip’s soft velvet. Philip drinks in the beauty of it. The tense way Lukas’s spine went when he first pressed in. The faint furrow of his brows, the steady appreciate moans from his lips.

Philip arches up into him as Lukas’s cock lodges itself deeper into his tight warmth, nestling around Lukas the same way his arms do. They’re scratching love lines into Lukas’s lower back, little out of order poems that Philip can draw later.

“You feel- ugh- so good” Philip pants, his body curled, head and ass digging into the sheets, his back forming a bridge.

Lukas places a firm hand on his belly, guiding Philip down to relax so he can easily slide in. Philip does, he’s easy in Lukas’s hands, putty and malleable when Lukas got him like this. Lukas moves his heated mouth from Philip’s neck, replacing it by curling a little to latch on a puffy soft nipple.

Philip’s soft moan breaks in his throat, hitching as Lukas’s balls press plump and heavy against his hole, cock flexing deep.

“Fuck me” he pleads, blinking his wet lashes up at Lukas with greedy eyes, brain full of nothing but dick. Lukas’s specifically.

Lukas snaps his hips forward, unexpected even though Philip literally begged for it. Philip’s whole body rocks forward with a cry reverberating out his throat.

“Yeah” Lukas moans, hips fucking forward again.

Philip’s hands drop into the sheets, cutting into the silk with the death drip as he rocks his hips down to meet Lukas’s eager hips.

Lukas skates his fingers up Philip’s ribs, leaning back on his haunches and somehow thrusting deeper, his cock shifting up to rub hard at Philip’s tender spot.

Philip slips out unintelligible noises, brows threaded deeply as his body overwhelms with sensation of Lukas shaping out his insides. Filling him to the brim of bursting. The stretch and heavy weight of Lukas’s length making a perfect mess out of him, hole getting easy and loose.

Lukas pants above him heavily like fucking Philip is the literal best thing ever, whispering “yeah yeah yeah” and “so perfect, so beautiful for me Philip.”

It sounds perfectly dirty too. Lukas’s skin breaking a sweat from the exertion, their skin making a slapping wet sound when their bodies collide. It’s synchronized like they own the rhythm to each other’s bodies.

Lukas cups his face with both hands, framing his jaw firmly. Watching so intently that it’s a silent order, ‘keep your eyes open.’

Even though it’s almost torturous at times Philip manages to, keeping their expressions locked. The world could be burning but Philip feels tucked away in this moment. Lukas looks perfect, his long jock boy arms framing him, slender but pudgy stomach tensing as his thrusts get sloppier. His ivory teeth bared in an animalistic way, gritting them like it’s the only thing that’s holding him back from attacking Philip’s mouth. It’d fuck up the perfection of this position if he move. So he keeps place. Lukas’s thrusting so erratic Philip’s throat sounds like a skipping record of some retro porno.

Philip’s head is spinning, his one hand fumbling to wrap around his abandoned cock. Touching softly at his balls, rubbing the sensitiveness, then nestling his dick in his fist. It’s sweet instant relief, overwhelmed with the throbbing of his cock and the tender pulsating of his hole.

Hot, beautiful heat boils deep in his gut, starting from his toes and trickling in tremors up his spine. Lukas’s gaze is cloudy, his hand fumbling up Philip’s chest, ending up to wrap around Philip’s narrow throat. Philip hiccups with a gasp, body shaking as he arches into the pressure of Lukas’s heavy hand.

“Do it” he begs. Eyes all heavy lashed and slutty, leaking tear streaks down his cheekbones that cool cold in the air. “Choke me.”

Lukas groans, face jerking away like it’ll make him come if he even glances at Philip in that state, asking for that. But his hand tightens, a lot harder actually. Just on the edge of going there but also testing. Philip whines, “please” and Lukas finally does completely. His whole fist gripping Philip’s throat entirely, cutting off at least eighty percent of his air supply. It’s so good. Lukas’s heated breathes, soft groans as Philip’s ass bounces down against him.

Philip’s body goes tight, white hot heat coursing inside him, all over. Toes curling, hole tightening and wanton lips slickly mouthing along Lukas’s jaw. His whimper loud even with the attempt to muffle it.

Lukas releases some pressure, but still keeps his grip there to anchor Philip’s shivering lithe body down as he jerkedly fucks through Philip’s pulsing clenching.

“Yeah, yeah yeah” Lukas moans, closing his eyes and pressing his face bruise hard into Philip’s neck. Philip has a soft sated smile on his pink exhausted cheeks, insides tingling around Lukas with pure blissful sensitivity. Lukas hips stutter, pressing and holding all the way inside. Philip sighs contently, idly wishing to feel Lukas filling the condom.

“Fuck” Lukas chokes out, fingernails cutting Philip’s thigh as he holds it splayed.

Philip gently cards his fingers through Lukas’s sweaty hair, the other soothingly tracing patterns up his chilled back.

Philip’s breathing is calming down, quiet and even while Lukas still exhales noisily against his throat.

It’s calm noise now. Soft breathes, the fan whirring like usual. Philip’s mushed beneath Lukas’s weight, but it’s everything he wants, his arms woven behind his lanky lean body. Holding his jellified bones in a cuddling embrace.

After shifting a little, and feeling the stickiness of their clinging sweat, Philip’s raw voice croaks “we should shower.”

Lukas pulls out softly, being careful because Philip’s usually sore after sex that rough. He is, and he winces weakly, sparing Lukas a genuine smile. He loves the reminder of Lukas on him, the hickeys, and the tenderness inside him too.

“In a minute,” Lukas decides, bumping his nose against Philip’s throat to kiss it chastely.

“Love you baby.”

Philip looks up at him from under his lashes, now that they’re actually looking at each other. “I love you too” Philip replies, beaming.

Lukas looks tired too, his lips curling warmly. He sits back on the bed, hand outstretching to Philip, “come on.”

Philip’s achey, thigh muscles still vibrating from the burn. A nice hot steamy shower sounds marvelous, he takes Lukas’s willing grasp.

-

In the shower Lukas scrubs at Philip’s knee with the loofah, soaping up dove moisturizing body wash all over him.

“My dad wants to come see the babies” Lukas says nonchalantly, but there’s that hidden edge there.

“He does?” Philip repeats flatly, not looking back in interest.

“Yeah.”

Philip sighs, washing away the soap off his glossy skin. It’s Lukas’s dad, he can’t exactly say no.

“Okay” he huffs with more annoyance showing through than he’d meant.

Lukas has a grimace on his face when Philip finally looks at him. Philip smiles weakly, false hope for Lukas’s sake. “Maybe it’ll go better this time” Philip tries.

Lukas shrugs, “We’ll see. He wants to visit Monday or Tuesday.”

Philip nods noncommittedly, uncapping a shampoo bottle.


	21. Trouble on my Left... Trouble on my...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shortish chapter but I promise more soon!!! I was incredibly sick and couldn't almost open my eyes for a week :( I'm back and feeling a lot better ~~~ <3

Bo has a steady snarl on his face throughout lunch. Lukas has a thin line of his lips pressed together. Philip has a soft, nervous smile as he looks between them.

“So dad-“ Lukas starts, stopping as Bo clears his throat loudly.

“Lukas, could you pass the salt?” Bo asks. His voice is just as rough as always and his eyes squinting judgingly at Philip even whilst he speaks to Lukas.

Philip looks down at the salt and pepper shakers inches in front of himself. His gut curling with the tiny piece of information that Bo didn’t ask him even though they’re closest to Philip.

“Sure” Lukas says neutrally, sending Philip a knowing look as he grasps the salt from before his plate.

Bo wipes the ketchup from his lip with a napkin, taking the salt shaker from Lukas’s hands with a nod.

Philip bites his lip, feeling that odd sensation of discomfort that he never feels in Lukas’s house. It’s decently warm inside the kitchen from them freshly cooking but Philip’s forearms are icy. He shivers without thinking, pulling down his maroon sleeves hastily. Lukas raises a brow once he notices.

“You're cold?” Lukas says, frowning as he looks Philip up and down.

Bo wrinkles his nose, “it’s hot in here.” He points out, looking at Philip weirdly.

“I ah- I might be coming down with something” Philip shrugs, scooting his chair in as he stands. It’s an excuse and not an actual reason but anything’s plausible to get away from Bo. He gives a sorrowful look to his cold fries, deciding it’s not worth saving them anyways. Philip dumps the remainder of them from his plate into the trash bin and then places it into the sink.

Lukas and Bo stay silent as Philip exits down the hall. He feels instant relief the second he’s out of sight from Bo’s cold steely eyes. The thought of them makes Philip shudder without realizing.

He doesn’t get it. He understands that Bo is a small town close minded homophobic and all, but Philip’s so used to being loved from his mother he can’t bear to understand how Bo doesn’t care to see Lukas happy. Lukas is his love, they have beautiful healthy babies together. How could that be a bad thing?

Philip sighs, the confliction of thoughts in his head sending him a minor headache. Just a dull throb on the temples of his skull.

Philip pinches his nose bridge to stifle some of the ache, and enters the nursery bedroom.

-

“Why Philip?” Bo asks seconds after Philip descends down the hall.

Lukas sighs, “dad-“

“No, seriously Lukas. Why’d you have disappoint me?”

Lukas’s face turns firm and hard at that. “How did I disappoint you?”

Bo swigs his bottle, placing it down with a noisy clack, the beer inside the brown tinted glass sloshing around inside. His face cracks into a grimace, “don’t play stupid boy. That damn Philip whose got you all stupid. I bet you couldn’t see your own damn hand in front of your face even if I smacked you with it.”

Lukas grits his teeth, his jaw set and tight. “Philip’s a great person, and with all due respect dad. I really don’t care what you think of him.” His tone his harsher than he ever uses with his father, but it’s heavily needed.

Bo barks a dry laugh. “That’s good son,” his eyes turning dead cold again, “it’s not me who that little tramp’s fooling.”

Lukas rolls his eyes. His stomach tensing as he idly plays with his food instead of looking at Bo.

“That no good gold digger just wants your cash son, stop making a fool of yourself.”

Lukas glares hard, flicking his eyes up. “Philip hasn’t asked for a dollar from me.”

“You gave him fifteen thousand” Bo quips back irritably.

“I already told you that Philip and I met when he started babysitting.”

Bo grimaces, “so why pay him? You’re.. _with_ him.” The word with clogs itself on Bo’s tongue, like it’s such a dirty thing that they’re together.

“I paid him because I wanted to, and Philip helps out his mom.”

“Why are you doing everything for that junkie boy? Don’t you have any sense?” Bo complains gruffly, tipping his head back as he downs the rest of his beer.

“Because I love him” Lukas admits, digging his nails into his palm till he feels the burn of tiny fingernail marks being left there. “And Philip’s not a junkie. His mom might’ve done stuff, but she’s all better now.”

Bo shakes his head. “You’re taking on two charity cases.”

“Okay dad” Lukas sighs, dropping his chin onto his palm. It’s no use in debating with Bo’s opinion. He’s more stubborn than a mule. Lukas’s insides feel like they’re withering away. All he wants is his dad’s acceptance.

-

Philip rocks on his heels. He bounces Bridgette on his hip whilst feeding her the bottle. She looks successfully peaceful, still tired from her small hour long nap. Her little mouth latched hungrily around the plastic nipple and her eyes are softly batting as she drinks. Philip doesn’t think they could be as flawless if he’d had them with anyone else. Lukas is perfect. Their kids, Bridgette, Emma and Andy are all perfect too. Philip couldn’t ask for anything more.

He kisses her soft silk like forehead, nuzzling her shampoo scented curls against her nose.

“Sleep well, my sweet pea” he murmurs, caressing her head as he gently lies her down in her crib.

A small sound comes from near, Philip blinks in confusion. He briefs one last glance at Bridgette and Andy before turning towards where the sound came from. It sounded like outside, like a twig snapping right near their window.

He cards the polka dotted curtain open, peering out into nothing but the side of their neighbor’s house and little weeds weaving into the crooks of the bricks. Lukas has a tiny sidewalk roughly two feet wide between their homes to get to the backyard.

He feels relieved that no one’s out there.

_He ignores the little pang of worry inside him._


	22. Please, darling

He chews on his lip, and fumbles with his fingernails as he absentmindedly tries to get that little piece of dirt from their potted plants out from his pinky. His ears are more alert than usual, all the normal sounds not as inconspicuous anymore. He’s got that pang of worry rubbing a hole through him. That dark cloud of nasty smirks and unwanted hands still trailing after him, like the perverts of the past are stalking him with his own mind.

Bridgette’s got a cold. Her eyes are puffy and her nose is runny and Philip’s already given her her antibiotics but his heart still aches seeing her sick. The anxiety inside shows from the outside clearly, the jittery fingers he runs through his unbrushed hair. The lines digging deep between his eyebrows while his lips stay pulled thin. The nervous bounce of his knee that stays unstopping. Everything seems to be crashing down around him and all at the same nothing seems to have changed.

_Bridgette’s just has a cold, everything will be fine. There’s no one out there coming for him or his family._

Philip shuts his eyes tightly, his heart beating erratically against his ribs even though his hand that cards through Bridgette’s hair stays gentle.

He hears soft thudding of Lukas’s footsteps nearing. He’s so used to living with him he can tell when it’s him and when it’s Anne.

The steps still before the couch, then the slight dip of the seat beside him has his eyes falling open.

Sparkly blue eyes greet him, bingo.

“Hey, how’s Bridge doing?” Lukas asks calmly, tentatively placing the back of his hand to her forehead.

Philip lazily rests his head against Lukas’s shoulder, shrugging halfheartedly against him. “I don’t know, better I guess. At least she’s not crying from the ear ache anymore.”

Lukas hums under his breathe, turning his head to nose at Philip’s ear. “That’s good baby.” With gentle fingers Lukas turns Philip’s tense jaw towards him, “what’s up?” Lukas asks tenderly, his expression soft and almost tired.

“Uh.. nothing, I mean.. I’m good” Philip sputters a little, his eyes widening with how obvious his worry is, so he fiddles with his fingers in semi distraction. Even whilst avoiding eye contact Philip can tell Lukas is squinting at him, those blues staring hard at him from his peripheral.

“What’s wrong?’ Lukas asks seriously.

Flicking his round brown eyes to Lukas, “give me a cigarette?”

Lukas’s mouth quirks in a tight grimace, “what? _No_.”

Philip feels the ache in head grow tighter. “Give me a cigarette” he states.

“No, they’re bad for you” Lukas snaps back.

Rising onto his elbows, Philip gets in his face, “they’re bad for you too. Why do you get to smoke them?”

“Because I.. …I don’t know” Lukas sighs, “I’m still not giving you one.”

Philip stands on his feet, Bridgette wrapped nicely to his chest. “I’ll get one from your ash tray then.”

Philip walks off, stubborn enough to not look back at Lukas getting on his own toes.

-

With Bridgette safely tucked in her bed, and Philip’s lunges a shade darker, full of smoke and his throat scratchier with coughs, he sighs.

He’d won and somehow it doesn’t feel too good.

Lukas didn’t force him not to smoke. He didn’t try to control him or anything. He wanted Philip to be smart but Philip’s own concrete hard stubbornness stood in the way.

Winning is better even if it hurts.

Maybe

Philip sighs again, and drops his head into his hands. The press of his palms to his stinging eyelids stops the trickle of tears waiting to start momentarily. The burn feels better than the relief of crying.

He wishes he could find it in himself to go inside, take a shower, but the mere thought of confronting his appearance in the mirror veers him off.

Lukas doesn’t deserve this shit. He doesn’t deserve to deal with Philip’s mental incapacities because Philip was an alley kid with a damaged heart. Philip really, really thought he was better now. He is, he’s got to be. He can’t keep reliving the past. He wants to let go of the things night has done to him.

He flicks a mosquito off his knee with his fingers, cursing under his breathe at the knowledge he’ll own a itchy little bite there tomorrow.

The soft creek of their front door hollowly echoes Lukas’s entrance into the cool night air. Philip arches an eyebrow but doesn’t look back. His lips feel sore and chapped. He bites down on the swell of his bottom one anyway.

“Hey” Lukas whispers, voice quiet in the dead of midnight as he leans down to sit on the same step as Philip.

Philip glances at him, half burnt cigarette still sitting between his lips. His teeth dig into the paper, just to keep grip on it as he asks “you gonna steal it from me?”

Lukas exhales, the only noise in the silence. “No” Lukas whispers. Philip stops himself from leaning into the heat that’s radiating off of Lukas’s body. In the dark he feels undeserving, especially out front, staring out at the empty New York street.

“What’s up?” Lukas whispers, his arm finding its way behind Philip’s still body. Lukas’s tone is clear to Philip’s ears. Worried. Philip grimaces at the pavement.

Threading his twitchy fingers through his hair, Philip sighs.

“I don’t deserve you.” It’s not what Philip wanted to admit, but he means it just the same.

Lukas’s arm tenses up behind him. The warmth from his softs breathes stopping as well.

“What?”

It’s full of surprise, disbelief, almost.

Philip finally glares back at him. “Don’t pretend you don’t think it too. I hear what your dad says” he scoffs irritably. Agitation is roaming deep underneath his skin.

Lukas drops his hand. That’s new.

“I don’t care what he thinks Philip” Lukas states, grabbing Philip’s arm like it’ll help prove his point.

“But you still invite him over” Philip argues, looking away from Lukas’s invading stare.

“He’s my dad.”

“Whatever” Philip glares, remembering his cigarette between his fingers and taking a drawn out puff.

Lukas huffs. Philip feels the sting back in his eyes and blows the hot smoke from his lunges.

“What is this about Philip?” Lukas says, his face etched in worry when Philip finally glances at him.

“You never act this bothered the other time he came around” Lukas adds confusedly.

Philip sighs, pressing the heel of his palm back to his eyes, wiping away any moisture there. He feels the inward pull to muster up and be honest. It stings in his stomach and makes it twist nastily when he attempts to think of words to say. How he could even explain this.

“I uh..” he wipes his mouth nervously, “I sold my body to the night, Lukas.”

His eyes shut tightly and his fingers shake as he brings the cigarette back to his pale lips.

Lukas’s inhale hitches audibly, Philip’s body freezes with ice flooding his insides.

“You- what?” Lukas asks, wide eyed and caught off guard.

“I use to.. do things for people,” he waves his hand, like it’ll explain what he means. “For money.”

“Philip…” Lukas whispers. Philip aches enough to look at him.

Lukas looks more scared than anything, his eyebrows pinched together and mouth gaped like Philip just told him a horror story.

“What are you saying? That you..?”

Philip holds himself, arms wrapped tightly around his middle as he interjects “prostituted.”

Lukas threads his fingers in his own long blond strands, and pulls with a groan, “fuck.”

The tears start without Philip noticing. He takes another hit of the cigarette and enjoys the burning in his throat. The droplets of his tears dripping onto his fingers and soaking into the thin paper.

“I’m sorry” it’s hollow, hopeless.

Lukas exhales slowly, “don’t be. It’s not your fault” his voice is stern. His blues big and puffy, like a little puppy but wounded.

He finally dares himself to lean against Lukas. It hurts too much to be away from him. Lukas’s chest is pulled tight, but his arm is tender enough to wrap around Philip. The heat of it radiates throughout Philip. For once in the bare air he doesn’t feel the cold.


	23. Past reminders

Lukas takes a big swig of his coffee. His face twisting into a grimace once his tongue hits the cold, bitter tasting coffee. He bears through the flavor and swallows a couple mouthfuls, finishing off the glass mug.

Philip’s been driving him crazy. The lines forming between his brows is more telling than his erroring brain. He can’t imagine, even bear to think about Philip doing that. It’s selfish but in a way Lukas wishes Philip didn’t tell him. Now Lukas has that black smoke in the corner of his mind. Those intrusive thoughts of what guys could’ve done to Philip, even though Philip hadn’t admitted to anything terrible happening.

_The worry is forming a hole in his heart. Something about Philip’s experience with sex work has to be bad. Otherwise Lukas is sure Philip wouldn’t even have told him._

Lukas lets out a pent up breathe, and clicks his favorite pen. Time to get his mind off his lovers troubling’s and finish writing the book his publishers been getting pushy on.

-

Philip sighs.

The mirror is staring back at him. His reflection unmoving, but at the same time mocking.

He feels like he’s going crazy.

Is Stewart actually following him? Is any of the old clients still lurking around, attempting to find him?

He twists the shiny gold knob of the sink, igniting a full stream of cool water. It stings a little when it slides down his already icy forearms but feels impressively refreshing as he splashes two handfuls onto his heated cheeks.

“Fuck” he groans, exhaling as he blinks his heavily drenched lashes open. There are droplets of water still clinging to them, falling down onto the countertop like gentle rain when he blinks.

“Phi Phi”

Philip gasps, his whole body jolting in surprise. His palm thuds against his chest, touching his fast beating heart and regaining his breathe and composure.

“Emma, god honey you scared me” Philip says breathily. His shoulders softening like his voice.

“I was scared” She admits, small toned and wide eyed. Her strands of blonde hair falling in her face, it’s gotten so long, Philip notices.

“Scared of what baby?” Philip asks quietly, leaning down onto his knee to almost get at her height level.

She sucks on her lip, the bottom one while it quivers visibly. “The boogeyman.”

The slightly worried line between his brow dissipates, he smiles softly “awe sweetheart, he isn’t real.”

He taps her shoulder soothingly, rubbing it when her terrified expression doesn’t shift. “What’s the matter? He can’t hurt you. Me and daddy are always here to keep you safe.”

Emma shakes her head quickly. Her knuckles whitening as her fingers clasp harder onto her plush bear.

“Mr. Boogeyman in my window” she whines, her eyes shining with readying tears.

“In your window?” Philip gasps. His chest seeming to close in on itself, get tighter and nasty.

“out- outside” she stutters, her four year old tongue still adjusting  to bigger words.

Philip grasps her petite forearms, his fingertips tracing feather light tickles to halt her worry. “When did you see him?”

She sniffles, and rubs her pink tinted nose. “Right.. now”

His brows furrow, and stands immediately, his grasp clasping around her and lifting her easily on his hip as he starts quickly down the hall. He darts through the kitchen, eyes wary on any forming shadows from the light casting through the window blinds.

He places her onto the couch. His gaze falling on her in a stern, paranoid way. “Stay here, okay?”

She nods eagerly, her bangs flopping over the blue of her irises.

“Good” he whispers quietly, his back already facing her as he paces down the hall to the nursery. He flings the door open like there’s no tomorrow. There isn’t anything Philip's afraid of if his babies are in danger.

He sees a peaceful, empty and quiet bedroom. Both Bridgette and Andy perfectly snuggled up where Philip had last placed them. All content and undisturbed by the noise he caused with the door knob.

His sigh of relief is loud in the open air, and it helps his heart beat finally slow down.

He strides over in tentative quiet steps now and takes the time to glimpse in each crib. He face lighting up with fondness and releasing the tightness that was lingering in his jaw from the severe anxiousness he’d been overwhelmed with mere seconds ago.

_Everything’s fine. Your worst fear thankfully didn’t happen._

Philip gulps, and briefs a glance out the window. It sets his nerves on edge once he peers out. Like the unknown is gnawing its way in.

_Stop._

_Relax._

_Breathe._

He yawns, and shakes his head at himself. He’s being delusional, maybe a little to overdramatic too. Emma’s a child, of course she has fears of scary monsters. That’s just more rational than believing a past client startled his child by gawking in the window at her.

The wind blows in through a small, teeny little crack in the window, sending the curtain softly flapping against the wood rim of Andy’s crib. The ice shoots back inside him, striking his spine like lightning.

“Fucking Lukas” he scoffs, finally remembering that Lukas dumped his ash tray out the window yesterday night.

He sighs exasperatedly this time, and wipes his sweaty hair from his forehead. He presses the open frame down, and clicks the lock tightly. It’s cool and satisfying on his fingers. A soft sound of secureness.

Philip briefly leans down into Bridgette’s bed, giving her a soft kiss on her smooth little forehead whilst he keeps his arms outstretched to tuck Andy’s teddy beside him.

“Night, angels” he whispers lovingly.

He exits back out into the hall, his toes creaking the wood mildly.

Emma’s still sat in the same spot, her eyes large like the moon and her knees huddled to her chest.

“Everything’s alright, Em. No monster in there, I checked.” He promises, picking her up into his arms.

Emma looks wary, and clings to him like he’s her life force. “Are ya sure?” she murmurs, tucking her head into the warm crook of his neck. He chuckles lowly, nodding gently against her head.

“Yes sweetie, your daddy has ears like a bat. He would’ve heard him if there really was a monster.”

“Really?”

“Yes really” he grins down at her, and pinches her cheek teasingly. “You’re fine baby.”

He nudges the door open slightly, and carries her clinging body inside.

Showing her the window, he bounces her soothingly “see? Nothing out there” he proves, pushing back the blind to show an empty brick pathway.

She quirks her brow, and pops her thumb into her mouth. “Okay” she grumbles around her finger, and Philip can feel her ease.

“You wanna go back to bed? Get some sleepie?” he coos, kissing her silky forehead.

“Mhm” she agrees, her eyes lazily blinking.

“Alright” he nods, rocking her in an even motion on his hip and placing her back down on her bed when his knees dig into the edge of her ivory mattress. She falls back against her pillow easy, and lets out a small sound of contentment when her eyes shut completely.

“Goodnight love” he murmurs, palming her baby plump cheek with adoration.

-

Philip now keeps a wooden bat sat in the second closet. It’s perched against the drywall in their halls closet. Lukas doesn’t have to see it or know what it’s for.

Philip’s a city boy, and city people know precautions. They can spot out danger before it even happens.

Or maybe it’s just Philip’s history of dealing with drug addicts, dealers and buyers. Thieves and perverts and pimps and all the dirty people that belong to the night. All the people that people like Lukas’s neighbors pretend not to know about. Ignoring reality doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Philip always liked to think that he’s prepared, because before he never had the chance not to be. Him and his frail mother used to be stuck living in a shitty unsafe neighborhood his entire childhood. While she was addicted her healthiest weight had to have been no more than 120 pounds, and that was only when she got clean for a little. That never lasted at all when he was younger. She tried and tried but her veins still had kept up with the intake of black tar and her wallet stayed thin. That dirty syringe and spoon cotton ball fever dream kept them both in danger. For Anne’s health and the creeps that latched on them alongside it.

_At nine Philip got smacked till his vision swam and his nose bled. It was two quick bitch slaps, fast and bitter. A dirty yellow teethed dealer named Jack whose owed money from Anne got a little overdue. Philip’s nine year old body had been thin and small, no more than 60 pounds as he’d quivered on the cold ground, his fresh blood soaking into the carpet as Jack smiled above him like it was his own personal joke._

_“That’ll send that crackhead momma of yours a little message.” Jack had chided._

_Philip had been twelve when he first gave oral._

_It had been out of dire need of surviving. His mom woke him up from sound sleep, her face full of red marks from her jittery finger bitten hands and her chocolate eyes swimming with tears._

_“Baby, did you eat the last piece of bread? Momma’s really hungry.”_

_Even at twelve he’d understood what she meant. The growling of her empty stomach and the glazed look in her eyes told him stories she didn’t need to. Her body had been filled up with drugs and no nutrients for almost a week. His throat had lumped immediately with the sickening fear of losing her. He’d have nothing without her._

_He remembers answering by smiling softly, weakly, stuttering out in an unsure voice. “I’ll go get you some bread, ma.”_

_She had cracked a heartbroken smile, her sob rippling through as she grasped his wrist like it held the meaning of life. “Thank you baby” it had been entirely full of ache. Anne’s desperateness terrified him, because even Philip had known that she knew he had no money, and that’s when the severity of the situation set in. His mother needed to eat or she’d die._

_Anne at her ends wit is Philip at his._

_Philip got dressed, his skin was already damp and sweaty from the lack of air condition in the swarming summer heat. July burns hot in the city, it sizzles the building tops and heats the thick air like cooking oil. All hot and so suffocating that Philip barely ever could even sleep. Anne never seemed to mind it. The heroin dosage always seemed to knock her out just fine._

_He remembers wearing hole ridden jeans, all torn at the knees and a stained wife beater. His pointy nubs of fingers dug into his frail arms as he trailed the eerie darkness of the city. Only the faux light from the street bulbs lit up his pathway. He was a child with no one to guide him to safety. Just an empty stomach, empty heart and even emptier alley way._

_It wasn’t till he almost turned to go home, after turning completely hopeless after three hours of walking around in the dull yellow that he got lucky. A man, no older than thirty thankfully was the first client he’d scored. Philip had been more nervous than anything. Nothing about him said experienced. He didn’t want the client to think this was his first rodeo and somehow manage to take advantage. So he’d worn a shy smile and held a hopeful gaze as he made his proposition._

_“25 for.. uh..” twelve year old Philip had pointed to his own mouth._

_The man had grunted, and gave him an invasive once over. Testing with his eyes to see if this catch was good enough._

_“How much for that body of yours?”_

_Philip’s insides had quivered, and he’d immediately closed in on himself, arms caging his torso._

_“I just do.. mouth stuff.”_

_A hum. “Alright kid, hop in.”_

_Philip made 25 bucks ten minutes later._

_At age thirteen Philip couldn’t remember how many guys he’d blown._

_At age thirteen Philip had to threaten their landlord with a broken brick not to kick them out. He mustered up all the courageousness and craze he’d had in him and put on a show that his threat might hold a little weight. He’d thrown the brick as destructively as possible through the landlord’s bedroom window in the middle of the night, a small cutesy little message written in black sharpie left upon it._

_If you kick Anne out you will die in your sleep. Xoxo Philip_

_Old Mr. Anderson didn’t bother them when they had a late bill again after that, but he did send Philip glares and curses under his breathe like he was a devil child._

_At age fourteen his mom’s boyfriend RJ was his first kiss._

_Philip had been giggling about. A small moment in his teenage years where he’d finally had almost gotten a good day._

_His mother had been playing some old tunes, some 60’s music that Philip learned to love. It was all he knew, save for the rare moment he’d listened to the modern radio when he was younger in Todd’s car going to Coney Island._

_Philip danced to the Ronette’s, his mom was showering during it. The soft sound of the water hitting the tub was distant in the background, it made him content whenever he had proof that Anne was safe._

_Rj sat dully in the reclining chair. Watching him idly whilst playing the metal pull on his half empty beer can._

_Philip smiled, all childlike and only innocent. “Come dance” he had requested. He’d never like Rj, but he was feeling positive and up for any fulfillment he could get. He always hoped Anne’s boyfriends would like him, always, no matter how shitty they were. It was a mixture of having to deal with them daily but also the neediness inside him to be accepted by someone. Someone who might actually be his friend. Philip never had friends._

_Rj had quirked his brows his surprise, but shook his head anyways._

_Disappointment had finally edged its way in and Philip no longer wanted to dance. He plopped down on their wrinkled, sunken in cushioned couch. Stained and smelly with liquor stains and god knows what else._

_He frowned, and sulkily placed his chin in his hands._

_“Whas the matter?” Rj quipped, slurred like he had one too many._

_Philip’s eyes had stayed down casted, counting three liquor bottles messily scattered beside Rj’s toes._

_“I have no friends” Philip finally admitted, exhaled it to the world. Rj’s ears, only._

_Rj chuckled, low and almost like he wasn’t there. In his head whilst he fiddled with the detaching label glued to his brown liquor bottle._

_“I could be your friend” Rj suggested, finally glancing at him._

_Philip’s excitement shoved its way ahead of his rationality. Childishness can pull the wool over your head easily._

_“Really?” he asked in disbelief, his voice changing pitch with audible surprise._

_Rj smiled, no, smirked. Philip hadn’t seen it as anything but friendly._

_The small wary part of Philip thought of how Rj bad talked his mother. How Rj would sleep over some nights and disappear the next._

_That didn’t stop his mom from wanting Rj around, so why should Philip? It’s not like Rj was as mean to her like her other boyfriends. He never hit her that Philip’s seen. So he couldn’t be that bad._

_“Yeah, we’ll be the best of friends” Rj spoke, rising from the chair and striding over to the couch. He was all gangly, tall and smelled like cheap beer. It was comforting at the time. Because Philip though he’d had a new friend._

_“We can watch movies, go camping do whatever you want” Rj promised, plopping his skinny frame down beside him. Up close Philip could finally see the 20 pin hole looking spots in his arms. It looked just like his mothers._

_“I never been camping” Philip pointed out, watching him like he held the moon._

_“We can do all sorts of things Philip” Rj said, touching his arm with his fingers._

_“Like what?” Philip smiled, toothy and bright and oh so trusting._

_“Like this” Rj had answered easily, placing his forearm behind Philip’s head and pulling him in._

_Philip never kissed anyone before Rj. The rush of Rj’s lips licking upon his sent him gasping soundlessly in surprise. It was nasty, full of alcohol flavored spit and wet tongue. Philip’s stomach rolled once Rj pulled away seconds later, and wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve._

_“What are you doing?” Philip had asked, shocked and wary. His voice even broke. His head was spinning with thoughts and his bones feeling liquidly. He felt dumb and confused._

_“I kissed you. Stupid” he joked, stroking Philip’s chin with his thumb._

_Philip nearly gagged, “you kiss my mom.”_

_Rj’s expression turned seriously immediately, all playfulness dropping. “Yeah, and you better not tell her about this you little shit. Or I’ll do something you’ll really regret.”_

_Philip kept his mouth shut._

He inhales noisily as reality floods back, and briefs a glance to the window. Philip frowns and thuds his head heavily into his hands.


	24. Mistakes... Mistakes...

He hates this.

Philip hates that he now keeps a worried look on his face as he whips around the corner towards the park with Bridgette, Andy and Emma in tow. They’re in this huge ass mechanism called a ‘triple stroller’ but Philip can’t tell if it’s a gift from god or a descendent from hell.

Maybe both, because for one it’s safely keeping all their children tucked inside each little seat but on the other hand it means dealing with three agitated children at once.

Andy started it first, just as Philip had turned the corner a loud wailed had rumbled from within Andy’s frail little chest.

Next in line to follow was Bridgette from the disturbance, her seat being in the middle.

 Philip sighed exhaustedly. They’re too much like falling dominoes. One starts and in the end they all do.

He peeks over to Emma, his brows furrowing when he sees her scrunchy face, not a good sign.

“You want me to take you back home to daddy?” Philip sighs, wiping at his puffy tired eyes. He leans over to unclasp Andy from his seat, and mindfully makes sure to stroke Bridgette’s cheek while he bounces Andy lightly. Skin contact from him or Lukas usually calms them down. They are thankfully not the whiniest children but they sure do have their moments.

Emma groans from the front seat, and he peers back over to her.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“I wanna swing!” she huffs, kicking at the bottom of the stroller. She looks more than annoyed by Andy and Bridgette’s interruption and stubbornly crosses her arms.

“Em, we will. Phi Phi’s gonna take Bridge and Andy home first, alright?”

He places Andy back inside his seat, and tightens the clasps back up around her waist.

“Phi Phi I wanna go nowww!” Emma whines.

Philip exhales, “you can swing for as long as you’d like when we get back” he decides. Bargaining with Emma is such an easy win.

“Okay!” She squeals with happiness and excitement full in her tone. Philip smiles with relief.

-

At the park with only one child is much simpler. Mostly because his other two are so young, too young to do anything at the park besides being pushed around in the stroller anyways. Not that Philip doesn’t love bringing them out and showing them the world, it’s just more convenient.

Philip has pink softening his cheeks in a love sappy glow as he watches Emma swing. Her hair is going all crazy in the breezing wind. Philip’s hair has grown long enough that it catches in his eyelashes when the wind rushes past the tips of his ears too hard.

It’s cool outside. Chilly if Philip hadn’t bothered to wear a jacket, but he’s always weather checking so the kids never get cold. Lukas always worries that they’ll literally catch a cold. Philip knows that’s all old wives tales. He’d experienced enough freezing nights to know that cold weather doesn’t give illness.

_Small, small Philip, curled up near a dumpster on a night he’d been thrown out, no, literally kicked out of a car._

_It was his first time in a while dealing with a new customer. New was always scary and sketchy. Philip had no longtime buyers pulling by with their cars that night and the payment for electric was long overdue. He’d have to charge more than usual 25 to get the 50 dollars they needed to make the payment._

_“Hello, pretty” the man said with a sleazy grin once he pulled up. His words dripped with hunger and the raise of brows showed how clear his intentions were, that he knew exactly what Philip was._

_“Hey… sir” Philip tried, popping out his bony hip to give the illusion of curvature._

_“Wanna get in? Plenty of room for your scrawny little ass” the man joked. Inside Philip it twanged irritation and a fresh jolt of displeasure in his insecurity about his small weight._

_Philip looked away and rolled his eyes, couldn’t even hold it back. “Alright..” he said slowly, popping open the rickety door of the man’s 1990 Chevrolet Caprice._

_“This is nice” Philip lies, touching the man’s wrist and gesturing to his car._

_“This thing’s older than you” he laughs, scratchy like he’d smoked one too many cigarettes._

_“I can tell” Philip glares, but softens immediately when his mind reminds him why he’s plopped in this stranger’s car anyway._

_“So you gonna shut that mouth of yours or do I have to do that for you?” the man says whilst palming himself through dark grey slacks. His face is full of darkness, dark brown eyes that appear black with the lack of streetlights twisting down the alleyway._

_Philip tucks his hair behind his ears, a soft sigh leaving his lips as he bends over the console and gets to work undoing the guy’s pants._

_-_

_The man finishes with a breathy groan, and a heavy hand on the back of Philip’s neck that shouldn’t be there. Philip digs his nails into the man’s taut thighs and pushes upwards hard, forcing the dude to release the grip he had on him._

_“What the fuck?” Philip coughs, spitting out the man’s vile seed all over his Chevrolets’ floor._

_“That was great” the man exhales with flushed cheeks, actively ignoring him._

_“Fifty dollars” Philip spits, anger hot and bright in his eyes. Coming in his mouth is never an option. He always finishes all his clients off with his hand. It’s a rule he’d set loud and clear before he put his mouth on the perverted man._

_“Fifty? For that? You didn’t even swallow.”_

_“Fifty dollars” Philip repeats, dread getting thick and hope wearing thin._

_“I got five dollars for you” the man grins, and tosses the frail thin paper at his lap carelessly._

_Philip feels the stinging of fresh tears start. “Fuck you” Philip snarls, grabbing the 5 because he needs every buck and spitting a wad of spit right in the dudes face._

_Philip didn’t think past his anger. For some reason he somehow thought he’d be able to spit in a forty year old man’s face and not deal with any consequences._

_He’d got punched, hard, two quick jabs to his already reddening cheek. Then shoved towards the slightly open door, and kicked out roughly by the man’s dirty work boots._

_“Fuckin’ crazy bitch” the man yells, and leans over the console to reclose his passenger door. The engine ignites noisily near Philip’s head, sending fumes of gasoline burning through his nostrils._

_The tires roll by fast, Philip swears his face was inches from being smeared on the pavement._

_-_

_Philip gotten home with a lump swelling on his forehead and a badly bruised cheek._

_His mom had been too drugged out to take care of him. Anne’s head was lax against the kitchen table. Her legs sprawled halfway off the wooden chair. Her spoon and cotton ball left inches to her left on one of their kitchen plates. The needle dropped near her toes, like it scattered off the table when the tar knocked her out._

_Philip fell asleep in the shower, washing his mouth till his tongue felt dry and the water cascading down on his body grew icy cold._

Philip was used to the cold.

And he was used to overthinking about bad past experience’s.

It was always there, always lingering. Philip wishes he could do things without thinking about those shitty times. They didn’t deserve to have their own spot inside his brain. With each passing day it’s like they’ve grown bigger, stronger, more rapid and constant.

Like cancer of the mind. Everything poisonous leeching off the good. Philip should be able to enjoy the fresh cool air of the outdoors without vile reminders coming back.

He looks around, scoping out the empty woods and pathways of the park. Philip’s been more on his toes than not lately.

Things just haven’t seemed right.

-

They arrive home with red cheeks, curse early April for being so cold.

Lukas is lying on the couch, Andy tucked in his arm and sketchpad propped on his thigh. His eyes light up like blinking bulbs of Christmas trees when he spots them.

“Hey baby” Philip greets, yawning as he pulls off his heavy black winter jacket. He leans down slightly to say “arms up” to Emma, which she complies eagerly. He hooks both of the collars onto the coat rack and turns towards Lukas with a small smile.

“How was the park?” Lukas asks, clicking his writing pen closed and placing it down absentmindedly on their coffee table.

Philip picks up Andy from his grasp, so he can settle on in beside Lukas without squishing their little child. Andy makes a small noise of discomfort from the movement, but settles happily when his golden hues blink open up at Philip. His baby soft cheek pressed into Philip’s chest and his lids fall closed contently when Philip finishes adjusting his body into Lukas’s curve.

“It was an adventure” Philip smiles, sighing at the thought of going back to park twice.

“I thought you were gonna take Andy and Bridgette with you?” Lukas points out nonchalantly, his fingers now tracing down the soft lines of veins from Philip’s inner wrist.

“I did, had to come back because they had a crying fit before I could even turn the corner” Philip chuckles, his palm resting on Lukas’s thigh and the other slowly combing through Andy’s hair.

“That sounds accurate” Lukas jokes fondly, and presses a small kiss to Philip’s cheek that lingers for seconds longer than needed, but it’s wanted.

“You should put Andy to bed” Philip suggests, his eyes playful and flirty. He knows Lukas can read him like a book.

“That sounds like a plan” Lukas grins, eyes widened with Philip’s cheeky expression. Philip watches amusedly as Lukas fumbles over his ankles, sliding off over him and slithering his fingers gently under Andy’s head to support it as he caresses his teeny body up into his arms.

Lukas looks over to Emma, “Em do you want to watch Scooby in your room? I can put on that cyberchase one.” Philip’s cheeks turn red as he holds back his laughter at Lukas’s hopeful puppy eyes.

Emma takes a moment to think, and then nods her head quickly “okay!”

Lukas exhales in relief, and being the dork he is, quirking his brows over at Philip like a damn nerd.

“Stop” Philip laughs, breaking his composure. Emma is picked up in Lukas’s arms, looking confusedly between them. Lukas smiles, and kisses her forehead to carry her back to the bedroom.

Distantly Philip can hear Emma ask “daddy, can I want chocolate milk.” He smirks, hearing the empty plastic cup be placed on the counter and Lukas’s cooing “my baby sure loves her chocolate milk, huh?”

-

Lukas and Philip end up naked, damp, wrapped up entirely around each other. The thin sheer layer of sweat making their thighs stick in a uncomfortable way, but it doesn’t matter. Lukas looks beautiful. Worth more than anything. Worth more than taking a shower in this very moment. His hair all matted, stringy and standing up in some parts where Philip’s hand must’ve pulled it.

The saliva from their rapid kissing just mere minutes ago still shining on his lips, and the curve of his upper one looks like art.

Philip slowly places a palm on his cheek, holding the soft, porcelain perfect flesh between his fingers. He watches the way his cheek dips a little below the slightest pressure of his fingertips. The air that inflates Lukas’s lunges, soft and slow, like a sweet rock a bye.

And Lukas’s eyes, heavy lidded and glossy. The blue hiding in an almost midnight moon sort of way, like black with that slightest saturation of cornflower.

His hands are on him, the only thing moving faster than a snail. Their clasped behind Philip’s lower back, his fingers softly rubbing the nubs against the dips of Philip’s spine.

Philip surprises himself when he blinks and a two heavy tears escape, but he feels the relief inside, it’s instant.

Lukas’s expression shifts, slow and unsure.  He tries to soften the question in a light hearted tone. “Hey, why are you crying?”

Philip looks away, feeling the sting develop below the surface. It’s hard to face someone who genuinely cares about you when you’ve been so used to the opposite. Even if it’s been almost a year since he’d met Lukas it always stays. Till he heals fully or the memories fade he’s certain it’ll always be there. It’s became a part of him.

Lukas’s voice turns to worry. “Did I do something wrong? Baby?”

“Philip?”

Philip breaks down, burying his heated tears into Lukas’s humid chest. His arms  wrapping ever so tightly around Lukas’s middle. He feels so good, so solid and his whole body is like a personal comforter that Philip’s grown accustomed to.

“Did I hurt you? Tell me how I can fix this, Philip please.”

Philip’s heart aches at Lukas’s nonstop worried little questions, and forces himself to look up at him.

“I just.. it’s stupid.”

Philip attempts to break eye contact but Lukas forces his chin up with a press of two fingers.

“Tell me.”

Lukas’s face is full of care and worry. It softens the tenseness in Philip’s head.

“I just worry about you, I don’t know why..” _you do know why, the creeps that might’ve been following you around, looking in your windows._ _They could go after Lukas easily if they want you._

“Why? We’re fine” Lukas assures, relief settling his frown, a small smile playing on his lips while he leans in to peck Philip’s head.

Philip’s shakes his head, pouting with irritation.

Lukas kisses the frown away from his lips, too.

“You’re safe. I’m safe, the babies are safe.”

“We’re perfect” Lukas finishes, his long arms wrapped protectively around Philip’s frame.

_The worry still replays in his mind as they lie, but dissipates as the comforting heat of their tangled limbs and the steady breathing from Lukas pulls him into sleep._

_-_

Philip wakes up at four am, Lukas already up before him. He’s sat up with Philip’s legs placed over his lap. It’s a surprisingly comfortable and a bit shocking that Philip didn’t wake up from the movement.

Rubbing the bleariness out of his eyes, and stretching his sleep stiffened shoulders, he smiles crookedly. “Mornin” he murmurs, and yawns.

“Morning,” Lukas smiles back, hair still all messy and his palm softly reaching down to caress the curve of Philip’s chin.

It tickles. Philip feels soft. A _soft_ worry free morning for once, he likes it.

“How long’ve you been up?” Philip mumbles, tucking himself further under the blanket Lukas must’ve put on him some time ago. It feels body temperature, warm and toasty.

“Fifteen, twenty minutes” he shrugs, looking up in thought.

“Mmm” Philip hums, smirking.

Widening his eyes like the moon, Philip pouts “come back to bed”, finishing with a quirked brow and a playful bite on his own bottom lip. It’s more to hide his smile than an attempt at being sexy.

Lukas itches the tip of his nose, and laughs, “alright,” he shifts Philip’s thighs off his legs, and stumbles upwards. With a nod to the coffee table, Lukas gives him a sheepish grin “After I have a cig.”

Philip rolls his eyes, watching Lukas pop a single one out his pack and scurry off. He tosses a pillow backwards at him without looking, it’s half assed and Philip doesn’t really care if it hits him. He smirks and calls after him, “asshole”, because Lukas promised him the week before he’d start smoking only two a day. Philip can tell by the filter littered ash tray that he hasn’t slowed up a bit what so ever.

The pillow successfully hits Lukas, it makes a soft noise when it hits the floor and Philip can hear Lukas chuckle under his breathe. _Asshole._

Philip rolls over, shoving off the blanket and stumbling after him. Who knew sleeping on the couch could get you so disoriented?

He for once doesn’t need fresh air but wants it. He feels lively and content as he steps out the front door. Lukas glances over the shoulder at him, and points at their steps with a frown.

“Some asshole kids must’ve broke our pot” Lukas shrugs, kicking off the big clump of dirt that gathered on the middle of one step with his lace less converses.

Philip stutters “o-oh”, and wraps his arms around his torso, feeling the cold air set achy in his bones. Not the good kind.

Heaviness fogs over him like a storm, the clay scattered over their steps remind him of a broken mirror, like seven years of bad luck.

He feels ill.

His legs give out on him, luckily in time he grasps the rail of their stairs, his ass smacking the stone with more pressure than intended. But luckily now he can breathe, air inflates his lunge and he looks away from the vase that is destroyed. Lukas doesn’t notice, he’s looking off down the lit up street, towards the moon like Philip would be doing if he didn’t have a mind crippling realization.

_He knows the wind they had yesterday wasn’t powerful enough to break it. He knows that city kids wouldn’t randomly destroy their pot on the highest step._

Philip also feels nauseous. Deep within in himself that doesn’t feel like it’s coming from worry. Feels like something he’s felt before.

“We didn’t use a condom, did we?” He croaks, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Lukas’s eyes widen when his head snaps over to Philip, he looks just as dumbfounded as Philip feels. “I don’t .. I don’t think so?”

Philip looks away and rubs at his eyes irritably, “shit.”


	25. Plan C

“I can’t be pregnant.”

Lukas frowns, looking down at his hands. He hasn’t said much. Philip hates that he hasn’t said much. Philip doesn’t know what to think. What to do now that they fucked up the condom rule so early. It’s only been a little over two goddamn months.

Philip curses, muttering “fuck” under his breathe repeatedly. He’s jittery as fuck. His fingers are just trembling as much as his shoulders when he nervously fiddles with the hair on the nape of his neck.

After a few minutes of silence, and built up irritation starting up Philip’s entire being, he huffs, his eyes widening incredulously at Lukas and making a ‘what the fuck’ sort of expression.

“So you’re just gonna sit there…” Philip trails on, rolling his eyes the eightieth time, “and not say anything?” It’s finished with his lip curling upwards, a pure grimace.

Lukas lifts his gaze from the floor, slowly blinking up to Philip’s reddening annoyed face.

“I don’t know what to say.” Lukas whispers calmly, he folds his arm sleeves up nonchalantly, like he’d just told Philip the weather and not that they’re discussing the possibility of another child being unexpectedly put upon them.

Philip attempts to glare harder at him if it were possible. Lukas is being too calm. Why is Lukas being so goddamn calm?

“This is a big fucking deal, Lukas” Philip hisses, he really wants to smack that stupid dumbfounded expression off Lukas’s face.

“It’s not a big deal” Lukas states quickly back. Philip nearly falls out.

He’s fuming. “Not a big deal? When I had Bridgette and Andy that was the worst pain I’ve ever gone through!” he snarls, but softens his voice to be completely sarcastic “But oh wait! It’s not a big deal because Lukas isn’t the one carrying a baby!”

“Philip.” Lukas interjects, clasping his hands together like he’s dealing with one of Emma’s fits and not Philip’s rationality.

“What?” Philip huffs, a couple levels short of screeching, but he holds himself back.

“Come here” he says, watching as Philip stays in place “please.”

Philip inhales deeply, holding it for a couple seconds and releasing, it dulls the bubbly heat of his raging anger inside him just a tad. He toes slowly over to Lukas, feeling a nagging pull inside him to be stubborn.

His breathes are slowing down as he sits beside Lukas, slowly becoming rhythmic again as some relieve blooms inside from being close to Lukas. Who he somewhat hates right now but still whole heartedly loves him. Obviously.

Blinking up expectantly, Philip presses “so?”

Lukas rubs his eyes, looking unbothered, “it’s not a big deal.” Lukas says gently, his lips pursing as he finishes.

Lukas doesn’t care if they have another kid.

Lukas might want another kid.

Lukas might want another kid right now.

Philip doesn’t want another kid right now.

“You want another child?” Philip asks with heated cheeks, he feels like he’s trapped in a fever. He doesn’t want any more at the moment. He’s content with the children they have. He’s only been a biological parent for a couple months for Chrissakes

Lukas’s lips are pulled thin, and his eyes focused on the ceiling like he’s having contradicting thoughts.

“I don’t know…. I mean.. it’s really soon.. you know… but-“

“but what? You want another. Don’t you?” Philip accuses with narrowed eyes. Damn Lukas to hell.

“It wouldn’t be bad. Like I said it’s soon. I get that” he waves his hand like it’ll show he understands. “-But… another kid would be pretty awesome.”

Philip wrinkles his brows. His tone is flat and resigned, “what?”

“What do you mean what? You’re the one who thinks you might be pregnant” Lukas replies with a tighter expression, the tension in his jaw showing clearly.

“I’ll…..” the words ache as they come up his throat, but it’s what Philip wants, “-I’ll just abort it.”

It’s out in the air, followed by nothing but silence, and the heavy swallowing noise Lukas makes.

Philip dares himself to look back at Lukas. Seeing instantly a completely wounded expression across Lukas’s usually soft face.

It hurts, digs even deeper than the equipment they’d have to use to wrench this possible little fetus out of him. It’s the bad stinging. The type you get when you’ve been cut deep, or punched emotionally in the heart.

“You would do that…” Lukas trails off, voice weak and soft like if he’d spoke any louder he’d cry. “Would you?” Lukas asks, his grimace is tortured in a way. Philip hates it.

Philip gets up, blinking back the tears of his own. “I don’t want to go through that again” Philip bites out, the annoyance and pain he endured during the birth showing in his tone. He regrets it instantly as he walks away, but he keeps on walking.

-

Anne has a sleepy face and wide eyes when Philip tells her what happened.

“Wow, really, baby? You think so?” she asks instantly, cupping his belly like this it’d tell her anything this in advance.

Philip drops his arms to his sides exasperatedly, “yes mom, this fucking sucks.”

She scoffs, and waves her pointer finger at him, tsking “language.”

“Alright” he sighs, looking down at her with large round eyes. “What should I do?”

She’s sitting on the edge of her bed, Philip’s old room. Her eyes have a torn look in them, like happy but also worried. “What do you want to do?” she points out, leaning back on her hands.

“I really don’t want more right now” he huffs, pinching his nose as he sits down beside her. It’s a nervous habit, and prevents the oncoming headache he feels swarming in his head like an expected tornado.

“Plan B” she says, a weak smile playing on her lips. It’s sad. No grandma wants to hear about a possible grandchild vanishing, but she also is kind and rational enough to support him.

“You’re a genius” he sighs, leaning forward quickly and wrapping her in a much needed hug. Till Philip’s nearly climbing in her lap. It’s nice to get advice from a parent whose head is clear enough to tell you it. Philip’s finally able to get the perks of having a parent who’s actually there for him, functioning to care and think about what is good for him. He never had that before with her. It mostly him cleaning up after her. Him washing her hair in the sink when she was too drowsy and drugged to shower without drowning herself or knocking her head.

“I love you so so much” he says heatedly into her neck. His heart feels like it’s swelling, bursting at the seams.

“I love you too, baby.” Anne smiles.

Philip holds her close, and strokes her hair that’s no longer dull and dead, but shiny and full of chestnut color.

-

He nervously chews on his bottom lip till it’s raw as he scans the health/menstral/vitamins/ isle for Plan B. He wishes Lukas didn’t fuck up with the condom otherwise he wouldn’t even be having these shitty conflicting thoughts. He wishes they could’ve just stuck with their condom routine. Why was Lukas so careless? Why?

Philip itches the nape of his neck, trying to calm himself before he starts getting pissy about Lukas being dumb again. He’ll save that for later when he has to deal with him.

There’s a ton of goddamn vitamins for bone health, hair health, kid health. It’s a little obnoxious with having nine different selections of nail health boxes from different brands but not any plan B in sight.

_Shit_

He exhales in relief when his eyes land on a lucky last box of Plan B.

_Yes yes yes. Hallelujah._

He snatches it before the grannie behind him gets a greedy grip. Not that she will. Maybe. Whatever. His pointless overthinking doesn’t matter right now. He has the box in his hands. He’s good. He’s great.

He’ll do this.

He won’t.

Maybe.

Fuck.

Philip crosses his fingers as he scans the box, hoping he’ll find the courage inside him to actually go through with it.

This fifty dollar box better be worth it.

He slides in three twenty’s.

The machine excepts it after Philip fiddles with the wrinkled twenty a couple times, turning it over and trying to force feed it to accept it.

Finally, on the third try, the machine accepts, and his receipt and ten dollars follow shortly.

He swipes it in a hurry, stuffing it into his pockets and escaping the unwanted eyes of the tiny grocery store.

-

He gets home with slumped shoulders and a heavy heart. The living room is bare. No sound from Lukas who’d usually be playing with one of the kids in the room. All liveliness in the usually upbeat, warm room lost. Philip wants to claw out his own eyes.

He feels like he caused this, but he also feels like Lukas should’ve made sure of wearing a condom. It isn’t Philip’s fault at all.

Philip feels sluggish as his feet carry him to the bathroom. The tiles of the bathroom are cold, cold like he feels. The eery cold you get when you don’t have enough warm clothes on in the middle of winter, your toes are frozen and wet and your fingertips and ears redder than fire. The uncomfortable wet freezing socks that trap your feet like the bottom of the ocean.

“Fuck” he sighs, leaning his forehead against the bathroom mirror on the door.

He feels every ounce of regret coming back.

-

Lukas feels horrible. He feels horrified.

Philip and him could possibly be having another baby.

It’s not expected, but it’s just as beautiful sounding as when they had the other two.

He aches.

His body feels like he’s come down with a fever, but he knows it’s not.

It’s a soul ache.

When you’re so hurt you don’t know how to cope besides just laying there.

He feels like he’s been frozen in a block of ice.

He doesn’t feel like crying.

He feels an overwhelming sensation of numbness.

Philip, his baby, told him to his face that he’d abort their hypothetical child.

It still hurts, regardless if the fetus was two cells big.

He wants it. His love doesn’t. It hurts more than anything he could describe.

He understands Philip went through tons of pain to welcome their two twins into the world. He gets it entirely, but he also thinks Philip is more overwhelmed than anything. He’s sure Philip’s terrified nature comes from the suddenness of the situation and not the situation itself.

He hopes, no, _prays_ that Philip will change his mind.

Lukas slumps his tired body against the sheets, and lies atop them in the cold without pulling the covers above.

-

Lukas blinks his eyes open at the soft creek of their door. Seeing Philip with an unreadable expression.

Lukas is just glad to see him. “Come here baby” he whispers, voice rough from sleep.

Philip nods, slowly toeing his way to the bed.

His body is tense as he softly sits down, dipping the mattress slightly.

“Baby?” Lukas asks.

Philip breaks.

“I didn’t do it” he hiccups, voice quick and unsteady.

“Do what?” Lukas asks. But he somewhat knows.

“It. The plan B pill.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Philip looks back, over his shoulder with a twisted expression.

“Good, that’s great” Lukas smiles tiredly, feeling life flutter back into his inners.

Philip didn’t do it.

He smiles wider.

“I couldn’t do it….” Philip says, looking down at his hands. “I thought about doing it all morning… but I just.. couldn’t.”

“I’m glad” Lukas whispers, his eyes shining with tears of relief.

Philip sighs, finally crawling over to Lukas. His white button up mostly undone and hanging off his frame cutely as he presses onto Lukas.

Resting his head on the rise of Lukas’s breathe, Philip smiles, just as tired as Lukas felt. “Me too.”

Lukas nods even though Philip can’t see him.

“We can do it” he mumbles. His long fingers carding soothingly in Philip’s pretty hair. He loves the softness of it so much. Philip’s the sweetest thing.

“I know” Philip smiles, but it weakens a little, Lukas can feel it against his ribs.

“I’m sorry..” Philip sighs sadly, “for what I said. I didn’t mean it.”

Lukas cups his cheek, rubbing his thumb back and forth on it. He stares at the ceiling.

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like the idea of this fic, tell me what you think! <3


End file.
